Disclaimer: The Black Magician Trilogy and all characters involved belong to Trudi Canavan.
Tayend stared up at the ceiling. He knew what would happen tonight. What always happened.
Six months. Six months and it had never gone further than this. Deep down he knew why, he had always know it would be this way. But that didn't make it any easier.
He sighed as Dannyl timidly pressed his lips against his cheek, in the hesitant way he did every night. He understood how hard this was for him. After so many long years of feeling nothing, of course it made sense that he was nervous. It would take a long time before he was completely at ease with any level of intimacy. Habits are hard to break. Tayend smiled wryly to himself at the irony of his words.
He closed his eyes, waiting for it to be over. This was when it was always over.
Trying his luck, he tangled his fingers in the magician's hair and pulled him closer. Immediately, just as he had known he would, Dannyl recoiled. The look in his eyes was that of a cornered animal. Tayend removed his hand and looked away.
"Tayend," said Dannyl tentatively. "I'm sorry. You know I-"
"I know," he interrupted curtly. His face betraying his frustration, Tayend extracted himself from beneath the magician and turned away from him. "Goodnight Dannyl," he said dejectedly.
Closing his eyes, he heard Dannyl sigh, then felt him shift and lie down beside him. A few minutes later he fidgeted again, then said quietly;
"Tayend?" Though he heard him, Tayend did not reply. "Tayend," he said, slightly louder. When Tayend still said nothing, he sighed again and lay back down. He said nothing for a while, but reached out to touch the scholar's arm. "I love you," he whispered eventually, fully aware that the other was still awake. Then, giving up, he rolled onto his back and closed his eyes.
Tayend remained still and silent, a single tear rolling down his cheek. Why do I put myself through this? So many others would give anything to be with him. They'd be more than willing to give him what he wanted, what he needed. Not a day had gone by, since they had first become involved, that he hadn't longed for Dannyl to touch him, to hold him, to do somthing. And yet it had never happened. Every day he craved it, and every day Dannyl denied him the one thing he desired most. So why am I still here?
The answer was simple. He already knew it. He had always known it.
Because I love him – and no matter how much it hurts, l always will.
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