Title: If Tomorrow Never Comes
Author: Steph
Rating: PG
Pairing: Robin/Patrick
Category: Romance/Drama
POV: Patrick
Disclaimer: I do this out of a love for this couple. No infringement is intended.
Spoilers: Picks up after the cabin, so includes all of that.
Summary: Patrick reflects on how he feels about Robin and how he can't find the words to express himself to her.
Note: This is just a very short thing that popped into my head and I wrote a while ago. Very simple. It takes place a few months from now, but the Carly stuff never happened. Hope you enjoy it and please let me know what you thought. -Steph
--- If Tomorrow Never Comes: Part 1/1 ---
I lie awake, staring down at her. Robin's head rests on my chest peacefully, her soft brown hair spread across my skin like a crown.
I love watching her sleep. Sometimes, I'll just lie here for hours in the dark, watching her eyelids flutter and her lips part slightly with little breaths in and out.
God, she's beautiful. I used to tell women they were beautiful all the time. I used it to flirt. Or as a come-on. I said it so much that the word became meaningless, just like anything else you abuse. It wasn't until I met Robin that its meaning was restored...that I even truly understood what the word meant.
I bring my hand up and run it through her silky strands, as I think about the last few months. We agreed to no strings sex, both of us insisting that what happened in that cabin between us was only about sex. But the moment I looked into her eyes, I knew it meant a whole lot more. And that's what scared me so badly.
I was scared because I didn't think I could give her what she deserved. It wasn't that I didn't want to; I didn't think I had it in me. I still don't.
But that doesn't mean I can just give her up. The truth is, I haven't been able to be with another woman since that night in the cabin. We agreed to keep other possibilities open and I made a half-hearted effort. I went out with a couple of women, but we never made it past dinner. I could think of no other woman but Robin. For the first time in my life, I want only one woman.
Our no strings sex pact has slowly turned into us spending nearly every free moment together, either having sex or just watching television or going to a movie or getting a bite to eat.
Turns out, she didn't really want to explore other possibilities either. Neither one of us has acknowledged the fact that, without even realizing it, we've developed a real relationship.
I'm still scared to death that I can't give her what she needs. That I will fail her or disappoint her. I'm scared that she deserves so much more than I can give her.
But I refuse to give her up. You see, I realized something about a month ago, as I was lying very much like this, watching her sleep. I am hopelessly and completely in love with this woman. I have been for a very long time. Since before we ever made love.
And that is what we did, I realize now. That's why it was so mind-bending. That's why it was unlike anything I had ever experienced before. It was because I had made love for the first time. Sex with actual love is so much better than the regular thing, I've realized over and over again with Robin.
I think she's in love with me, too. I look into her eyes and I can just feel it. I felt it that night in the cabin and every night since.
But I'm still so scared and filled with self-doubt that I just can't say the words. I guess I feel if I do then it'll make it that much more real. And then the power I know I possess to hurt her and fail her will become that much more real. The power I know I possess to lose her will become that much more real.
So I don't say a thing, but I hope she knows. I hope she can see it in my eyes every time I look at her. I hope she can feel it every time I touch her.
I think of my mom sometimes when I'm lying here with her. I think of how even though she was sick and knew her chances weren't good, she didn't know that day would be her last. We rarely know when that day comes.
I remember having a conversation with my dad after that. He was drunk and had been crying into his scotch for hours. He told me he didn't tell her he loved before the surgery. He didn't know why. He just didn't. And he said he regretted it every moment of everyday.
I told him that mom knew he loved her, but he said that didn't matter. She deserved to hear it one last time.
It's when I think back to that conversation, that I feel myself so close to telling her. We're not promised anything. We're not promised tomorrow. Even though Robin's HIV is under control, it scares me to think that she could become sick. I almost lost her once already and the mere thought twists my stomach into knots. But it happens. It wouldn't take much and she might not be able to recover.
Or one of us could get hit by a bus on the way to work. We just don't know. We can't predict the future or expect the unexpected. I think we've both learned that the hard way.
So, I wonder, if tomorrow never comes, would she know that I loved her? Would she know that I stayed up nights watching her sleep? Did she see the look in my eyes like I saw it in hers every time we made love? Did she feel it in my touch? Did I show her I loved her even though I couldn't find the words?
The truth is, I don't know. And if something were to happen to her, I would lie awake at night, alone and empty, wondering. I would lie awake filled with regrets.
I run my fingertips down the soft skin of her back.
"I love you," I whisper, as her eyelids flutter.
For now, that will have to do. It will have to be enough.
And tonight I'll pray that tomorrow comes.
--------------------------------------------------THE END-----------------------------------------------Thanks for reading! I hope you enjoyed it and please let me know what you thought!
-Steph