Hey I just wanted to thank all you readers out there who took the time to read this. I have been really wanting to write a Dear Evan Hansen fanfic and I figured why not make a Christmas one?
Just a warning that there are a few cuss words and references to drugs. If that makes you uncomfortable please don't read the following.
o-o-o-o-o-o
It was jolly at the Murphy house hold, at least that's what Cynthia Murphy had yet to believe. She continued cooking in her kitchen, happily listening to Pandora's Christmas station. This of course irritated the other family members.
"Can you tell Mom to turn her shit down!" Connor lashed out to Zoey, expecting they would all take the hint that he didn't want any family time this Christmas. The door slammed loudly back into the cracked doorframe. They had been accustomed to slamming doors, or even just anger in general.
"Perhaps I should turn the music down." Cynthia implied to her uninterested family. Larry shrugged nonchalantly while sipping out of his coffee mug.
"Perhaps." Larry mumbled, "Its terrible music anyways." Cynthia flared at her husband, but turned away hiding her frustration.
It is Christmas after all. She took short breaths and returned to her kitchen duties, reluctantly playing her holiday music at a low volume. Zoe watched her awkward family stumble to maintain a normal holiday. It didn't matter anyways though, she knew better than to expect them to become like some merry nuclear family in a cheesy Christmas classic. No, life isn't like that. Not even on Christmas Eve.
Cynthia continued to prepare the table with a festive table cloth and fancy silverware.
This Christmas will be different. Connor is out of rehab, so maybe things will start to go our way.
This pattern of conversation with her conscience continued on. Of course in the end she always knew her naivety was very far from the cold reality.
Connor sat in his dark room which reeked from the stench of his weed stash. By no means was this perfect, but at least it kept him contained from the interaction with his family. He loathed to spend time with the people who he knew hated being in his presence. This was no secret to Connor, only causing him to become more distant.
"It's time for dinner everyone." Cynthia had been cheerfully reminding everyone to go to the table. It had taken three tries to convince Larry and Zoe to even budge.
"Gee looks great mom." Zoe said in a composed voice, causing Cynthia to smile.
"Thanks sweetie." Cynthia beamed at the compliment, completely unaware that Zoe couldn't care less about their family time much less the food.
"Connor," she gently knocked on the door. "Please come out, I made us a delicious meal for us to eat together," she paused to hear any response, "as a family." Connor cringed at those words.
As a family, what does she think this is? That a meal will make us all some cozy hallmark family. I don't think so.
He rolled over on the bed staring out the window. The latch was not far from his reach, freedom was so close.
"Connor please! Your family really needs you to be with us." Cynthia begged tearing up a bit inside. She figured he wouldn't spend much time with them, but at least he could attempt to try.
Connor hated the idea of sitting at a table eating and being inspected by his distant family. Even worse having to associate with them.
"No leave me alone." It had felt strange
not to completely cuss her out while making his claim; but he figured their tolerance on this would be very low considering it's Christmas. Last thing he needs right now is his privilege to be alone revoked.
I mean what could a few minutes eating hurt?
He lied to himself, the thought of association with them was enough to make him become sick. He groaned while sliding his feet off of his comforting bedside.
"There better be some f*cking ham on that table or else." Connor said while poking his head out of his room.
Cynthia smiled and was overjoyed that her son was going to join her family for an amazing Christmas dinner. Zoe however was feeling anything but joy at his presence during dinner.
o-o-o-o-o-o
The one thing that was lacking in Evan's house was Heidi's merry spirit. Actually it wasn't the fact she was working, for once, it was because she seemed so down. Which came as a surprise to Evan considering she typically tried harder to hide her emotions.
"A-are you okay Mom?" Evan gathered enough courage to ask his mom. She looked at him so proud that he's starting conversations on his own, even if it was just a simple one. It's still progress.
"Of course honey," she looked back at her sweet son, taking notice of his concerned face, "I'm just a little tired is all." His face faded into a frown partially because he felt that wasn't the only thing wrong. Still not convinced he paused, unsure what to say or if he should even say anything. He started a list of pros and cons of speaking in his head.
Maybe if I just ask again she will explain what's wrong... but what if I screw up- or worse I say something stupid that makes her worry- or- or...
"Evan." Heidi then said causing Evan to abandon the debate in his head.
"Y-eees Mom?" He felt so dumb for stuttering in front of his own mom.
This is humiliating she must think I'm a total idiot- no a screwup.
He continued to look down upon himself. Heidi of course was oblivious to this and mistook his silence for impatience.
"I know things haven't exactly been easy for us," her eyes scattered from her pile of her class papers to her anxious son. "For you." She paused as he gave a slight nod. "But if we both keep working harder I know things will get better."
Things will get better. Just like Dr. Sherman told him thousands upon thousands of times during each therapy session. Of course it never really seemed to get better. The work, the anxiety, being lonely. It only continues on and on and it feels like he can't take it anymore and he could just... give up.
"Yeah I guess so." Evan replied only aspiring to give Heidi some hope.
"Great." She beamed knowing this probably didn't impact him in the slightest, but just dreamed that perhaps there was a small chance it did. "So I was thinking maybe we could watch some Christmas movies together?" She smiled while pacing over to the cabinet filled with movies, reaching back to grab a few holiday ones.
Evan smiled not because he particularly wanted to watch cheesy holiday specials, but the thought of spending anytime with his mom was more than what he could ever want or ask for.
o-o-o-o-o-o
The table was quiet while the food had been served to each plate. Only the sound of Larry's phone clicking was heard. Zoe avoided eye contact with anyone, especially from Connor. Their gaze would only be a reminder that her life was far from a normal family.
"So how is everybody's Christmas break going?" Cynthia attempted to break the ice, followed up by Connors eye roll and Larry's comments.
"You think you would know after forcing us all to spend quality time together." Of course he didn't say this to purposely offend her, it's just Larry didn't appreciate his wife constantly getting on his case about work disrupting family time.
Certainly it didn't take work for there to be disruption in this family.
"For once in your life dad you said something that wasn't complete BS." Connor sarcastically remarked while chewing his ham.
"I would appreciate it if we kept the comments to ourselves. This is Christmas after all." Cynthia defended.
Ah yes the common excuse to be nice to each other because it's Christmas. That is if you could consider this "nice".
"It's good to not have assignments..." Zoe quickly tried to change the subject to a more positive topic. She didn't exactly have eating an awkward family dinner on her bucket list for winter break, but since she has to endure it she might as well try to make it less of an awful experience for everyone.
"That's good. Yes, more time for family." Cynthia continued on. Connor despised listening to this terrible attempt at a family conversation. They all continued to silently eat their food, occasionally Connor would shoot Zoe a glare having her return one.
"I'm going to my room." Connor sat up from his chair, fed up with the awkward silence and resorted to the one place he felt free from his family's judgement. He trudged over to his room when Cynthia responded,
"You most certainly are not excused." Connor lowered his brows in frustration.
"Did I ask if I was?" He competed knowing she was to weak hearted to stop him anyways. Larry watched but soon sat up.
"You listen you your mother young man-"
"And if I don't?!" Connor was yelling, which wasn't necessarily new for him to do. Larry sighed knowing he won't listen.
He doesn't listen, why does Cynthia even bother trying to cope with him.
"Fine be like that." He walked over grabbing a tool from one of the kitchen cabinets. Then he slowly stepped up the stairs walking towards the closed door.
"Dad what are you—" Connor questioned stilling raising his voice. Larry had been unlatching the door until it came straight off. "WHAT THE F*CK DO YOU THINK YOU ARE DOING?!!!" Connor had been more than pissed off, he was so livid he could have strangled him.
"You won't be needing this anymore," Larry walked in and grabbed all of his electronics including his phone, computer, and earbuds if those could be considered an electronic. It wasn't so much the fact it was the things that were being taken, it was the fact his dad took something from him.
"Larry please stop you are upsetting Connor!" Cynthia had protested, but Larry was done with his son disrespecting them one too many times. If talking did nothing then maybe he could try a new tactic.
Larry had gone one step farther and reached into the drawer filled with his prescription pills. Grabbing the cases he soon searched around until he found a certain stash underneath a flower pot Cynthia had given Connor.
"STOP!!! DAD STOP IT!!!" He yelled while hitting his dad trying to convince him to stoping invading on him and his privacy.
"No Connor it's you who needs to stop!" Larry shouted with frustration, "You think you can just yell and control our family. But I speak for all of us when I say we are done with your behavior." Connor grew furious and pounded his arms on the door way, not that he had much left of it anyways.
"Screw you!" He yelled then running down the steps while shoving the Christmas tree over onto the couch. He soon made it to the front door and bolted away.
I don't care where I go, just get me away from these people!
Connor thought to himself while still jogging away from his dim house. It was freezing outside and the ground was covered in snow and ice. He was beginning to run out of breath when he stopped for a breather.
So pathetic of me, having to run away from those people. I should have just made him stop.
Connor may have tried to convince himself this is what he wanted but deep down he just wanted things to be different.
But what's the point, I've already f*cked everything up anyways.
This thought dragged over Connors mind as he passed more homes lit up by lights and happy families together. Of course it didn't matter what those people did, because Connor Murphy was alone in a freezing neighborhood with only a snowman to keep him company.
"It really sucks to be a nobody." He hissed at the snowy figure. Maybe it was the pain killers talking, but Connor could have almost sworn he saw that Snowman shake his head in agreement.
o-o-o-o-o-o
The house was relatively lacking much decoration due to low income. Non the less Heidi still enjoyed spending the holiday with her son. They were watching Elf, and occasionally they both shared a good chuckle here and there.
Evan looked at the tv screen enjoying the luxury of being able to just relax for once. Entranced by the entertainment in front of them, Heidi almost didn't hear the sound of her phone ring from the kitchen.
"Oops sorry Evan, I will take this call real quick." She answered her cell, and by the tone of her voice Evan could tell this was not a pleasant phone call.
"Are you sure..." She gulped looking at Evan as if he could help her escape the uninvited phone call. "Yes I will be there shortly."
There it is, she has to work. Great.
"I'm so sorry honey," she rushed over to grab her purse from the counter. "The hospital just called insisting they need me to work on a job- it's urgent." Evan was disappointed but the intrusion was no surprise considering it happened quite often.
"I will be home soon sweetie, and I promise I will be here to celebrate Christmas." She swooped him in for a hug, which body contact was always such an awkward thing for Evan.
"Bye." She waved as she ran out of the house with her purse swaying as she sprinted." The door slammed. It was silent.
"Bye." He said pretending she could still hear him.
At least we got to spend some time together.
Evan walked over to look out the window, staring at the snow falling. It was very dark out side, he glanced over at the kitchen clock. It was only 11:04, not even Christmas yet.
He glanced out the window again putting his hand on the foggy glass. The houses were all silent only lit by the different arrangements of Christmas lights. Over a few House was a cute snowman with a little hat.
What is that?
He looked at a large dark object, it seemed to be moving. Though Evan was afraid to look closer he peeked his head out of his front door to get a closer view.
It's a person.
Evan peered out, the man appeared to be dancing. Or at least attempting to be. He blinked in confusion until he recognized them.
"Connor..." he mumbled very quietly nervous of being heard.
Connor was fumbling around the snowman, still attempting to run. Only he was walking in circles, and tripping around. Evan watched this instantly assuming he must be stoned. He stepped back carefully to close the door. Not that he had anything against Connor but he didn't exactly want to mess with him while he was acting so strange.
There was a thud. Evan turned to see that Connor had fallen right into the face of the snowman that had once stood there.
He must have really done a lot of drugs or something.
This of course was the only phrase that came to mind considering Evan had no idea what drugs Connor exactly did. By the looks of it, whatever it was definitely had a strong effect.
I can't just leave him there, he will freeze. But then again do I really want to bring Connor Murphy inside my house?
Evan glanced again at the lump laying against his neighbors sidewalk. There was no doubt that he had hardly any warm from that thin jacket, and within a few minutes would probably start to get frostbite, or at least very cold.
I'm going to regret doing this aren't I.
Evan took a deep breath and put his foot outside the door.
Wow it's really cold outside.
He drew closer as he paced across the road onto the sidewalk curb where Connor had taken a tumble. He was nervous to speak, but dared not to cause Connor to freeze because of his anxiety.
"Are you ok?" Evan asked shyly while biting his lip hoping he didn't sound stupid. Connor had said nothing but slightly moved his head towards Evans's gaze. He was shivering, and his body was going numb.
Crap, somethings wrong. Is this frost bite? I honestly have no idea what that looks like.
Evan still unsure about what was happening he knew he needed to help him. Leaning down he helped him try to stand.
"I'm going to try to bring you to my house to keep you warm." Connors head throbbed and he could hardly process what was being said to him. He would have protested and most likely not hesitated to cuss him out, but he was so exhausted and cold he didn't even bother.
"Just don't worry- not that you seemed worried but." He stopped rambling when Connors legs started to give way almost causing both of them to fall onto the icy street. Evan stood up again regaining his posture then leaning down to help Connor stand again. They hobbled into the front door and collapsed into the living room carpet.
"Stay here I will get you blankets." Evan ran upstairs to grab blankets. Connor laid still shuddering in the house hardly conscience enough to take in what just happened.
Crud what the heck do you use to help with frost bite, if that's even what's wrong. Blankets obviously. Towels? Maybe hot water? Honestly my moms a nurse and I don't even know how to keep someone from getting cold.
Evan reached for some blankets out of the cabinet, the warm fuzzy Christmas ones decorated with reindeer and trees. He ran down the steps cradling the soft blankets to soon place them on the table.
"Here let me help you up." Evan said attempting to lift Connor onto the couch. After a long battle of his weak noodle limbs lifting the cold boy, he soon placed the festive blankets over him.
"W-what is this?" Connor blinked still in shock from his snow plunge. "Why the f*ck am I surrounded by creepy animals in your house."
Evan knew he was referring to the reindeer decorations his mom had placed around the house. Strange items to have, but they seemed to make Heidi happy.
"Look Connor you were freezing outside and I-" Evan choked trying to find the right words. "I wanted to help you get better." This was true because there was no other way he would have invited the school stoner inside his house. Not without a good reason.
"Gee thanks." Connor scoffed while bundling into the warmth of fuzzy blankets. His head was pounding but there was absolutely no way he was going back to his house. His family was insane thinking they could just invade into his life like that.
No they can just enjoy their little Christmas without me to ruin it.
"Why is your house so cold?" He didn't bother on giving a polite thank you, it seems pointless anyways.
Evan never really thought about the houses temperature. He had grown accustomed to it, but he figured it might have to do with the heating bills being overdue.
Instead of answering he gave a simple shrug. His mind raced trying to think of anyway to help Connor regain warmth.
Of course!
Evan soon walked over to the kitchen leaving Connor to sit alone on a chilly couch.
"Wow great hospitality Ev-an." He bit his lip hoping he said the right name, after all he didn't usually care enough to actually pay attention to names.
In the kitchen Evan was pouring milk into a glass cup and set it in the microwave. After a minute or so he pulled it out with his oven mits and placed it on the counter top. Inside of the cup he stirred cocoa powder and marshmallows. He paced over to his chilly guest and handed him the mug.
"Here I made you something to keep you warm." He then almost have what seemed like a small smile to Connor.
"I swear if this is some sort of drink that gets me sick..." Connor glared at Evan but his face only seemed confused reminding him that Evan wasn't the sort of guy to do that. He reached to grab the cup having his fingers for just a split second touch Evans warm hands. His hands drew back and became hot as he sipped the creamy drink.
"This is so good, I can't remember the last time I had hot chocolate." Connor beamed at the drink, and poked the marshmallows with a spoon.
He blinked and grinned for a moment while still slurping his drink.
"I guess that means it's not poisoned." Evan somehow mustered up the courage to tease him, surprising both of them.
Wow he actually can say something that isn't just sorry or mumbling.
Connor replied, "One can only hope." They both sat on the couch. A few minutes passed and Connor constantly sipped at his mug as Evan kept his eyes at the floor.
Wow this is incredibly awkward.
This thought was in both of their minds, although they both had different ideas of why that was.
Connor's eyes peered around the house, it had seemed decorated partially with lights and Christmas wreaths. That's when he noticed something was missing.
"Hey Evan." He questioned causing him to tug at his sweater anxiously.
"Y-yes Connor?" He expected he would probably mock his weird decorations or the fact there was no family surrounding him.
"Why don't you have a Christmas tree?" Connor typically wouldn't have asked, but from the few things he knew about Evan was that he had a strange obsession with trees.
"Oh that. Well you see my family is Jewish, which Christmas isn't exactly a Jewish holiday." He moves his hands while speaking as if they emphasized his words. "Mom and I still like to celebrate just for fun, but we just don't ever have a Christmas tree." He looked at Connor who he thought was bored out of his mind and was annoyed to be listening to this. However Connor listened patiently and tuned in to what he was saying.
"Also I'm not going to kill a tree just to hang random ornaments on it."
That explains it.
Connor chuckled a little much to Evans surprise.
"You know you could just buy a fake one right?" Connor was laughing still, only a little bit it still counts for something.
Evan thought of all the reasons why he would never buy a fake tree, but decided to go with a much more laid back answer.
"And have to look at that fake log every day for a month, I don't think so." He snorted amused by his own humor, this was because he always thought fake plants were so ugly compared to real ones. Connor smiled a little, mostly because he thought Evan was a dork for 1. Snorting and 2. For thinking that lame "joke" was even relatively funny.
They both sat still smiling and looking back at each other. It wasn't exactly the Christmas they were expecting, but in a way it was almost better. Almost.
o-o-o-o-o-o
By the time Evan had woken up in the morning, it was 9:48. He glanced down and saw that Connor was still passed out laying on his side with his head on Evans chest.
How am I supposed to move without waking him up?
It turns out Connor is a heavy sleeper, and the true challenge would be trying to wake him up. Evan picked up his phone from the living room table and swiped up to see his notifications.
Crap mom left me a voice mail.
He looked at it and pressed the play button, keeping his fingers crossed there would only be good news.
"Hey honey I just wanted to wish you a merry Christmas! I am still at work, but I should be home in about two hours. I'm so excited see you. Also don't forget to write those letters. Dr. Sherman says you even need them on holidays. Well see you seen honey." It ended.
Evan placed his phone back on the table, then grabbing his computer off the countertop. He opened it and sighed.
Geez I can't even get a break on winter break. Talk about irony.
He opened a new google doc and begin typing his letter beginning how he always does.
Dear Evan Hansen,
Today's going to be a good day and here's why: Because today is Christmas, which is usually not a big mood changer anyways. But today is different because I'm actually with a friend. A friend who isn't just forced to be here, someone who genuinely cares.
At least I think he does. So far things have been weird, but for me this is good. I guess I can actually for once honestly say that it was a good day, maybe even a good Christmas. That is if Connors parents don't call the police looking for him, but you know let's just enjoy this moment.
Sincerely,
Me