The Morning After
Hitachiin Hikaru stood by the massive windows of his room, watching with dejected eyes as his brother drove away from the house in his convertible. The top was down and cinnamon locks were teased by the wind. He had on a sleeveless shirt that showed off slim arms and pale, smooth skin. Hikaru had to swallow as he took in the beautiful sight that soon disappeared in the horizon. Where and when had things gone wrong?
He wished he knew. He wanted to turn back time and make things right between him and Kaoru once again. Was it in high school or afterwards when they started college? The distance that separated them now was too much to comprehend; there were no more signs of the brotherly affection and closeness they once shared and treasured. It seemed like a vague memory from another life, now. But Hikaru wished he could restore his past relationship with his twin. They even hardly spoke with each other anymore. Or in the rare times that they did, they simply whispered polite platitudes to each other that made him want to gag with disgust.
Hello. Hi. How have you been doing? Fine, you? I'm alright. Nice to hear that. Yeah, uh, listen, I have to go, See you . Okay, talk to you later? Sure. A polite smile, a retreating back.
Wind the tape back and it plays the same every day like a broken record. They seemed like strangers now. Hikaru wasn't even sure if the Kaoru etched in his memory is still the same one as the present Kaoru. He was deeply ashamed to admit it, but even though they still grew up in the same house, he hardly knew anything about his brother now.
He tried. He really did. But his twin always had a barrier that he could never quite breach. He used to pride himself in being the only one who knew Kaoru inside out. But things have gone horribly wrong and Hikaru was powerless to stop the changes that time dealt them. He missed his brother dearly. His heart ached. Where and when had things gone wrong?
He really wished he knew.
--
Was it when Kaoru started to disappear for hours without telling him where he went off to? Was it when he started to spend more time with other people, preferring to hang out with them instead of his own twin? Was it when Hani insinuated that he was lonely when Kaoru seemed to be busy with stuff that didn't include him? Was it when he started feeling left out? He tried to remedy that soon after but it seemed it was too late then.
Kaoru… I miss you…
Why don't you say that to him? I can't.
Why not? Because I- I…
Because Kaoru, I love you.
You always have, always will. No. No. This is different.
I don't understand. I don't understand it either. Nor do I understand myself anymore.
--
I love you, Kaoru. I need you.
--
Hikaru scanned the crown of people gathered about the dance floor. It was the annual party his family hosted but his sole interest was in locating his brother. He knew with a certainty there was no way Kaoru would miss this and the obligatory attendance it required of the Hitachiin sons. Hikaru leaned against a pillar, trying to catch sight of the red mop of hair that was his twin's.
There. On the opposite side of the room. Kaoru was talking happily to another man. Happily. Even from the distance, Hikaru could tell his brother's face was animated and he was laughing every now and then. He could not distinguish the man's features but he stood a good few inches taller than Kaoru and his face was hidden by the shadows.
Hikaru's grasp on the cocktail glass tightened as the man leaned dangerously close to his twin's ear to whisper something. There was a ghost of a smirk on the man's features and Kaoru seemed to jerk surprisingly at whatever the man told him. But the man had a hand on his brother's waist and prevented Kaoru from moving too far from him.
In that instant identical orbs of amber met across the span of guests in the room. Hikaru's heart thumped loudly in his chest, the noise almost deafening him. And Kaoru's eyes, wide with surprise, seemed rooted onto the spot. And in that same instant, a couple of ladies approached the older Hitachiin engaging him in conversation.
Was that a faint glimmer of regret in his brother's eyes? Hikaru wanted to run towards Kaoru but when he saw his twin lean into the man's touch and allowed to be led out the room, a bitter taste of jealousy bathed Hikaru's mouth and his eyes saw nothing but green. The room succumbed into darkness and nothing mattered but the sight of Kaoru and the man who held his twin possessively.
The corridor where the pair disappeared to connected to their rooms, Hikaru knew. His gut was now twisting in painful coils of envy and anger. He had to hand over his glass to a waiter before he broke the thing into pieces. He substituted the cocktail for a stronger drink of whiskey and excused himself from the ladies clamoring for his attention.
They want you because you're the heir to all this. I know that.
How would they react if they knew it was your brother you desired? They'd probably look at me in disgust.
Is that okay with you? I don't even care.
Then what's stopping you?
--
What was stopping him? Things like that man who was with his brother right now, that man who had been granted access to caress his twin's skin and do sinful things to his brother. Things like much as he wanted to talk it out, Kaoru always avoided him. And stayed away from him as much as humanly possible. Little things like that were stopping him. Hikaru felt like he was constantly hitting a hard unyielding wall that made all his actions futile. He was tired of trying to knock the damn wall down, trying to chip even just a little bit off at a time but the wall proved insurmountable.
The party had already died down and the mess the night left behind was to be tended in the morning. If only things were that simple, Hikaru mused bitterly. He made his way to his room, right beside his brother's. He stopped at the corridor, gazing angrily at his brother's door. Some sick, masochistic desire made him want to barge into Kaoru's room if just to satisfy his distorted curiosities.
Were they still at it? Hikaru could only shake his head in disgust at himself and his own thoughts. Laboriously, he made his way into his room, gracelessly disrobed and laid down in the center of his bed that seemed more empty than usual. Maybe tomorrow, he would have the courage to right things with his brother, in the most perverted sense of the word.
--
He could not wait for tomorrow.
He woke up from the dream, still fresh in his mind. Kaoru beneath him, moaning and thrashing about, crying out in pleasure, in pain, in pain mixed with pleasure. Kaoru looking up from beneath hooded lids heavy with desire to gaze at someone… who was not him… Kaoru arching his back and calling out a name in that moment of climax… A name that was not his.
It was a nightmare.
Kaoru's smooth pale skin, sinewy arms and thighs, the graceful angles and planes; Kaoru's lips bruised by kisses, his skin flushed with desire, perspiration running down in dancing rivulets past his temples. Kaoru crying out.
It was a dream that bled into a nightmare. It taunted him, ridiculed him.
Barely an hour had passed since he had gone to bed and it was a still a couple of hours before midnight. Hikaru knew he could not wait for tomorrow.
--
Kaoru stepped out of the shower, hastily wrapping a towel around his hips. The drive around town exhausted him. He had been driving around in circles since leaving the party. He stepped out of the bathroom and walked into the shadows that painted his walls with monstrosities. These four walls knew him very well more than any other person did.
We hear you cry out your brother's name at night and in the shower, they jeered at him, laughing at his weakness.
Yes, these four walls knew him very well. It would not hurt at all to at least be honest with them.
"Hikaru." Kaoru whispered into the darkness, his voice breaking on the word that signified that which he loved most in the world.
--
"Kaoru, I'm here."
The older twin took a step forward of the shadows. "I'm here, Kaoru." His voice was heavy and full of emotion. He was clad in a simple robe, his eyes shining with some gained revelation.
He sadly watched his twin take a step back from him. Was his presence that much unwanted? He was quickly sorry that he had breached his brother's sanctuary. His mind raced for a topic for conversation and his eyes took in the casual outfit laid out on a chair. "You're going out?"
He received a silent nod in reply. What else could Kaoru say? Let him think what he will. Either way, it doesn't change the way things are.
Hikaru was unable to mask the surprise that colored his features and Kaoru took notice of this.
"Why do you look so surprised?"
Hikaru was unable to stop his tongue. Feelings from earlier were awakened and he could still recall the way Kaoru had let a man cling to him. His eyes narrowed and he lost control of the tumultuous emotions. "You still weren't satisfied with that?!" A flick of the wrist indicated that he meant the rumpled covers on the bed. His face was distorted with pain and jealousy.
Kaoru was the one to be taken aback this time. It took a couple of seconds for him to regain his composure. His twin was not ready for his next words.
" If I can't have the one I love, does it even matter who I do it with? Since there is no special meaning left to it, why should I even care about who I sleep with? And why do you even care who I sleep with, huh, Hikaru? It's none of your fucking business."
I can't have the one I love so it doesn't matter who I fuck. That was what Kaoru was trying to say. It was all too much for Hikaru to handle. First, getting jealous. And now, having the truth flung into his face. He can only take as much. And Hikaru knew he was weak when it comes down to things like this.
Hikaru moved quickly, pulling on his brother's arm before his moth descended on his twin's. He'd been aching to do this for so long but he hated the circumstances, hated that the sheets were still fresh from a previous encounter. He was at this moment filled with hate. He was at that moment filled with love and desire.
Funny how love can easily blend into hate that the two were almost interchangeable.
Almost, but not quite.
Hikaru's tongue ravaged his brother's mouth while his desperate touch pulled him closer still, molding every inch of Kaoru against him. His lips moved against his brother's, claiming plunder. But something was not quite right. Hikaru pulled away, looking down at his brother's unresponsive lips, his eyes mocking and cruel.
"Are you satisfied now?" Kaoru asked quietly, the disgust in his voice was clearly there. "Just please leave. You've done enough."
With as much grace that he could muster Hikaru let go of his brother and turned to walk out the room. He moved to shut the door. But before the door closed, Hikaru's eyes widened as he took in the form of his twin huddled on the floor, fingers pressed to his lips, his back hunched over as if in pain. The quiet slam of wood brought Hikaru back to reality. Was it a mirage, a wretched illusion he conjured up?
He made his way back to his room. He was worn out and tired. He had no idea what to do with himself anymore.
Lying once more on his bed, Hikaru pressed his fingers to his lips, mimicking Kaoru. The sight was still imprinted in his mind and Hikaru found that he could still faintly feel his brother's lips against his. Kaoru. His heart cried out.
Why do you keep pushing me away?
It was another question to which he had no answer. He realized he wasn't even sure he wanted to know the reason why, anymore.
--
He wanted to know why, damnit.
His gaze fell on the bedside clock that scolded him for the lateness of the hour. He had not yet heard Kaoru arrive and he was getting worried.
Maybe he's sleeping over at one of his 'friends'. His mind sneered at him, poking at his wounds.
And once more, tomorrow could not wait.
He was never a patient person. If he was in the room when Kaoru arrived, would it weaken his brother's resolve to avoid him? Hikaru was sure he was simply deluding himself but he had no choice. He wanted to believe that there was hope yet, for them; that fooling himself was a necessity he had to take in order to salvage their relationship.
--
Surely, his eyes were not fooling him. Kaoru was in bed, barely covered by the blankets. Hikaru noted the towel tossed carelessly to a corner of the bed and he found himself feeling hot. If Kaoru was here, that means he didn't leave in the first place. He had been up all night, listening for the faintest sign of his twin's arrival and yet, his brother was here all along.
Jealousy, misapprehensions, bitterness, all flew out the window. Here was Kaoru. For now, that was all that mattered.
Gently, he took his brother in his arms. Kaoru may hate him afterwards for taking advantage of the vulnerable state he was in. But Hikaru could not help himself. He just needed this right now. And a voice told him Kaoru needed it too.
--
Kaoru felt a gentle kiss on his temple then his nose. It tickled and he wrinkled his nose. Gradually, he began to be aware of other things as well. There was a pleasant warmth by his side and he does not remember ever feeling this safe before. His eyes flew open and sure enough, staring down at him was his twin, Hikaru, with a gentle content expression in his eyes.
Kaoru smiled back and Hikaru got over the initial shock of having that smile directed at him. He pressed a warm kiss to his twin's cheek. "You smell so good."
"Mmm." Kaoru whispered happily.
"You're in a nice mood." Hikaru commented, a little off balance. But he missed this side of Kaoru so much that he wouldn't even start to complain. Hikaru took in the mischievous glance and the smile that tugged at the corner of his brother's lips.
"If you're looking at me with love in your eyes, then this must be a dream."Kaoru murmured into his chest as his arms wound around his older brother's waist. Hikaru's throat tightened and the backlash from the innocent words caused him real pain. His hands skimmed over Kaoru's back distracting both of them for a while. Another contented sigh escaped his twin's lips.
It took some time before Hikaru was able to speak again. "If this is a dream, then I don't want to wake up from it." Hikaru's voice was rough. He couldn't help it. So much was reflected in his brother's words. And he felt like this was just the tips of the iceberg. Knowing Kaoru, that probably was the case. He was comforted minimally by the thought that maybe Kaoru hasn't changed much, after all.
Kaoru playfully swatted him on the chest "What are you saying, Hikaru? I always have these kinds of dream and I always wake up, without fail. Don't be a stupid ass."
"I am a stupid ass." Hikaru whispered hoarsely. He fell silent and when he spoke again, his voice was almost muted."Hey Kaoru, since when…" He wasn't sure how to phrase the question so he just let the words fade on their own.
Kaoru met his gaze steadily. He knew exactly what he was being asked. "Since forever, Hikaru."
The words tugged at his heart. Kaoru had just told him something of vital importance. So many things made sense now. Hikaru wanted to kick himself at his own idiocy.
"Kaoru, I love you." His voice rasped out.
"Another proof this is a dream." Kaoru whispered into his twin's ear. He giggled when Hikaru shivered in response. "That's more like it." Kaoru smirked.
A hand slid down Hikaru's chest to undo the belt of his robe. "Wha-?" He caught his brother's wrist. "Don't play hard to get, Hikaru. Just let me love you." The robe was soon discarded and Kaoru held his brother in his hands, pumping him teasingly, languidly, all the while smirking at him.
It took all of Hikaru's willpower but he was able to brush Kaoru's hands away. He pinned his twin down on the bed.
"Please teach me. Teach me how to love your body the way you want it, the way that pleases you the most." Hikaru's eyes bored into his twin's beseechingly.
"This is weird. This never happened before." Kaoru looked up at Hikaru suspiciously. "Usually we just fuck – wham, bam, thank you very much – and then I wake up."
Another twinge of pain was struck in Hikaru's chest. "I want to love you. Please. Don't you think you deserve it, after all you've been through?" After all I've done to you?
"I never considered myself deserving. You never noticed. That's why I feel that way. If you even considered me an object of desire, I probably would have been contented with that. But even that was implausible. So no, I never considered myself deserving."
"Please." Hikaru repeated. If Kaoru said anymore, he would cry.
"I 'm sure anything you do will please me." Kaoru muttered.
"Thank you." Hikaru whispered humbly. He moved to take Kaoru's lip between his and suckled gently before finally kissing his twin with ardor. This kiss was different from the previous one. Kaoru was responding so deliciously and enthusiastically, rubbing his tongue against his twin's meeting the thrust of his brother's tongue with another of his own.
Hikaru could tell from the quiet moans coming from his brother's throat that Kaoru liked his kisses very much. Growing more confident, he moved to his twin's ear, licking the sensitive cartilage, eliciting a gasp and a shiver from his baby brother. Exploring hands wandered through Kaoru's body, wanting to memorize the feel and the different textures. His palms encountered hardened nubs and he suckled on them, wanting to know his twin's taste.
As Hikaru's hand drifted lower, his mouth wandered upwards and came into contact with his twin's neck, he bit into the soft pale flesh and laved the marks with his tongue, marking a trail wherever his lips went. By the time he reached his brother's cock, Hikaru was back to kissing his brother's soft, wet mouth, the wet muscle driving into his brother's throat keeping in rhythm with the pumping of his hands.
Hikaru had to use one of his hands to hold Kaoru's wrist above his head. "Just enjoy this." Hikaru pleaded to his twin, not really sure if Kaoru would still comprehend his words. He was becoming desperate himself but this instance, Kaoru came first.
Pre-cum was seeping down his brother's cock and Hikaru was unable to resist the urge to lean down and taste his twin. His hand let go of his brother's wrist and he knelt between Kaoru's legs, licking at the moisture flowing down. He looked up to see Kaoru watching him intently and he was satisfied by the O of desire his brother's mouth formed while he slowly suckled in the sensitive head.
It added to the excitement to lock gazes with his twin while he took more and more of his twin in him. Kaoru's taste bathed his tongue and he took more of his twin deeper into his throat, humming every now and then. Kaoru's fingers had curled into his hair while he help onto his little brother's bucking hips, controlling the movement. His thumbs rubbed back and forth over the jutting hipbones making Kaoru arch even more on the bed.
"Let go." He ordered before applying more pressure, milking his brother's orgasm from within him.
"Hikaru, I'm comi – hah. Hika – Hikaruuuh. Hikaru!"
The sound of his name called out again and again by his brother blocked out every other noise in the world. Hikaru's senses were centered on his ears, loving the name Kaoru called to him and his mouth, drinking every last bit of Kaoru's cum, licking at the excess that dripped onto the white thighs.
Hikaru snuggled his face into his brother's stomach, feeling strangely fulfilled even if he himself was still hard with desire. He felt a gentle tug on his shoulder and he scampered up the bed to take his twin once more in his arms. "What about you?" Kaoru asked tiredly. Hikaru could only laugh. "I'm happy just like this. It'll be alright in a little while. Just, just sleep." He watched amusedly as his brother struggled to suppress a yawn.
"Why am I so sleepy, if this is a dream?"
"Because you got tired from receiving a blow job." Hikaru teased. "Stupid ass." Kaoru chided him gently, his voice the exact opposite of the words. There still a hint of a smile and a touch of melancholy. It was endearing in its own way.
"I know. I am really one." Hikaru whispered into his twins' hair. Kaoru wiggled out of his embrace to look at him and tentatively spoke.
"Hikaru, I lo-" But Hikaru silenced him with a sweet, chaste peck, pulling him down.
"Save it for tomorrow." Hikaru murmured. "Promise me you'll tell that to me tomorrow, when we're both awake."
"But – "
"Tomorrow." Hikaru repeated, his voice full of conviction and promise.
--
But tomorrow, things would be back to normal. In his dreams, he could delude himself, and take what he can from the Hikaru in his fantasies. Kaoru found himself wishing that this dream was just the same as the others. It took a long time for him to accept things between them and this dream could easily destroy what had taken years to get used to.
Was it so wrong, if he wished for tomorrow to never come? If only they could stay like this, just a little bit more… just a little bit until forever.
--
And then tomorrow came.
A/N
Tangerine-doll: Cai-chan, WTF are you doing with a new story?!
Cai-chan: ….
TD: Shouldn't you be writing for your other multi-chaptered fics? Why add a new one to the list?
Cai: …
TD: What's your excuse this time?
Cai: A plot bunny was hopping angrily in my mind thanks to a conversation I had with my best friend about repercussions of Hikaru's idiocy and obliviousness. What's your excuse for not drawing?
TD: …
*sulks*
Cai: *pwns*
--
D:
Drabble-ish, I know. But please let me know what you think about it. Tell me what I did wrong and such and if there are parts you liked. I'd appreciate that very much. Thank you so very much for reading! It means so much to me. 3 *loves*! :3
Oh,and Ameome! Happy New Year!!!