There I was, on my way to Gamestop to pick up a copy of Call of Duty Black Ops 3. I had been having wet dreams about the game for months and now I finally had the money to get it. Unfortunately, I would have to go to hell (Gamestop) and back to get it. As I approached the counter I noticed that the employees seemed like more of assholes than usual, normally they acted like the spawn of Satan, but this time they were more like Kanye West- they had those ego raping eyes. My heart began to beat faster and faster as I slowly approached, I noticed another customer standing in a corner of the store with a rage induced boner (most likely caused by the horrible customer service that Gamestop is famous for). I slowly gulped at the thought that I would be next. SUDDENLY I WAS NEXT.
"May I help you cunt?" asked Kevin the emo hipster faggot employee behind the counter. "I'm here for Black Ops 3..." I said with a bit of a stutter. Kevin looked at me a bit confused, which didn't seem odd to me because this was Gamestop, the employees were always confused. Then he said the most horrifying thing possible. "That game isn't out yet, are you retarded m8?" Exclaimed Kevin in a kind tone. I couldn't believe it, with that I shat my pants and ran out of the store in fear, I headed straight home and locked the doors.
I proceeded to eat a box of Captain Crunch, the Cruncheliciousness of the captain always calmed my nerves. But something was odd about the box...the sides were smeared with feces and Captain Crunch's normally beautifully seducing eyes were blood red instead. I decided to lick the feces off the box and ignore it, nothing was going to further ruin my day. When I poured the box into my bowl of lemonade, there it was- a Call of Duty Black Ops 3 disk for the Wii U. I planned on getting it on my Xbox One so I could yak off my Xboner, but I was even more excited that it was on the greatest console never!
I quickly ran up the stairs to my room, tripping on my way up. It hurt but I sucked it up and ran into my room and turned on my Wii U. I inserted the Black Ops 3 disk and blood began to pour out of the console. I took it as a sign that this was going to be one heck of a good game. Then the true horror set in...
I began to play and slowly it began to hit me...this was the same crap that they have been rehashing for years! I looked at the dlc section and was even more horrified- $50 for half assed dlc! The 12 year olds online bagan cussing at me, calling me a nigger, a bitch, saying they had sexually explicit times with all my family members,and worst of all- they were shouting GET REKT M8! I couldn't take the horror much longer, I jumped to turn off the console when suddenly my friend Kyle flew out of the tv. He had been missing for 10 years and there he was. But he was dead! Dead on my new white carpet! I shat myself in fear when suddenly Snake from Metal Gear Solid bursted out of my closet and blew up the Wii U to save my life. He looked me in the eyes, his normally beautifully seductive eyes were blood red instead. I backed into a corner of my room horrified at the sight of my savior. He slowly began to walk towards me and gently put his hands on my too tight for a boy shorts. He ripped them off and I shat myself more out of pure fear. I enjoyed the butt rape at first...but then...it became too much!
The next day local authorities found my body, dead on the stairs where I had tripped on the way up to my room.