there are times when she wonders how big her heart must be to hold so much inside
and the thought of it makes her smile
::
when she's eleven and meets severus
things change
and she likes the way they turn out
(and she knows sev does too)
::
but that potter boy on the train
james
he's always on the edge of her thoughts
needling
drilling
crawling his way inside
as if through a rabbit's warren
or a maze
(and she says she hates him, because she does)
((doesn't she?))
::
and potter's friends
sirius, the slytherin-now-gryffindor with a sharp mouth and laughing eyes
peter, the little rat-like boy whose nose is constantly running
and remus
who she maybe considers her friend
(after all, he does have a nice smile)
but james is the worst
he will always be the worst
(that's what she tells herself, anyway)
::
and severus
dear darling severus
with his eyes like tunnels that draw her in
and she knows what people whisper about her behind her back
- mudblood -
she likes to think that severus doesn't play along
(but somewhere deep inside she knows he does)
((and it hurts
but she doesn't say a thing))
::
it's wonderful when she realises she's top of the class
- she was always competitive -
but then she sees that potter boy
(and his friend black, too)
with grades as high as hers
and it makes her mad
(because when did they ever try as hard as she did?)
and she notices remus, too
[with those three pale scars across his face that make her shudder and wonder and sob]
holding his results
hiding disappointment behind nonchalance
(and maybe her heart bleeds for him, because she remembers how ill he was during the exam)
((and she wonders how someone like that {demure, quiet} can be friends with people like potter))
and it makes her sick
::
she's in second year now
all grown up
and severus is same as ever [on the outside] and she loves him like always [maybe a little less]
so she's on the train again
and thank whatever god is out there that potter is in another compartment
because right now
she'd like to sock him
(not for any particular reason, he just has that effect on her)
but she doesn't
because she's lily evans
and maybe she's selfish {arrogant, too} but she'd like to keep her reputation
thank you very much
after all, if she landed herself detention -
she'd most likely be spending it with potter and black
(and maybe remus too, which wouldn't be so bad)
so she holds it in
and all she does when potter walks past is smile
and the look on his face is priceless
::
she's watching them one day
the marauders
and she can sense [something] has changed
potter and black sit seriously side by side
(which in itself is a wonder, as they never stop moving)
peter hovers behind
and remus is nowhere to be seen
[she misses his three pale scars with a longing that surprises her]
::
and then remus is back
and everything is normal again [is it?]
::
she sees sev shooting her these looks
she wonders [knows] what they mean
[mudblood]
and her heart splits along its seam
::
she's in the library
it's a wet, foggy day outside
and what she sees stops her in her tracks
potter
reading
in the library
[she smiles a little at the look of concentration on his face]
her inkwell clatters to the ground
potter looks up [meets her gaze] and laughs
so she stands
walks over and
he winces as she swats him over the head with her history textbook
::
afterwards, she lies on her bed in the dorm
thinking about the book potter was reading
[and definitely not potter himself]
animagi, she thinks
and frowns
::
it's third year
hogsmeade trips are a staple in her school diet
and suddenly
inexplicably
potter asks her out
[her heart thumps a little wildly in her chest and she finds it hard to meet his eyes]
and she says no, of course
::
remus takes arithmancy and ancient runes with her
and she learns to love him a little more every day
his easy grin
his amber eyes
[his three pale scars]
they both know potter's jealous
but neither of them really cares
::
severus begins to ignore her in the corridors
she has to run after him
call his name
to get him to turn around
she doesn't bother to hide the hurt on her face
[but she flinches as she sees his sadness grow]
::
she kisses remus under the arch near honeydukes
his lips taste of toffee and chocolate
immediately afterwards, they both agree to stay just friends
::
fourth year passes by
potter asks her out again
[in the courtyard by the statue garden where her cheeks are flushed with heat]
and again
[in the corner of their empty potions classroom and she can smell the amortentia brewing nearby]
and again
[by the fire in the common room which makes the hazel in his eyes dance]
and again
[outside the girl's bathroom where her hair is damp from the rain falling outside and his glasses catch the light]
she says no every time
::
fifth year
[and she wishes she could forget it all]
::
sev
[snivellus]
calls her mudblood
[she knew he did it behind her back, but in public?]
and potter defends her
black and peter giggle and grin
[and remus {a prefect, meant to do the right thing} stares at his book, gaze frozen for a long time]
and at that moment she hates them all
::
o.w.l.s come and go
she aces them
[and has a sneaking suspicion potter does too]
::
the train journey is lonely without sev
marlene and dorcas and everyone else surround her
laughing, smiling, excited to be starting the year
[all she can hear is the pounding of her own heart and all she can feel are the tears slowly building]
she laughs along with them
[she wishes she were alone]
::
she figures it out
[werewolf, remus is a-]
all by herself
[he's a werewolf, a werewolf and it scares her-]
and she wonders why it took so long
[she cries herself to sleep that night remembering {his three long, pale scars} but doesn't say a word the next day]
::
there are whispers
rumours
no one dares speak the name
[you-know-who, they all say, and all she wants to scream is no, no I don't!]
::
and then the hogwarts curtains are drawing closed
she's head girl and she couldn't be happier
[that's a lie, a filthy lie that everyone believes so easily]
{she doesn't want to graduate, she wants everything to stay perfect}
so when potter asks her out again
[after a winning quidditch game and her grin seems to break off from such prolonged use]
she says yes
::
and she sees sev sometimes
lurking in the corridors, cloak drawn tightly about his spidery frame
[she sometimes thinks of apologising, of running to him and saying how much she misses them together]
and the sight twists her stomach
[because he just looks so alone]
::
and remus' smiles grow more and more forced each day
but james doesn't notice
sirius doesn't notice
peter doesn't notice
only she does
[and she asks him up front what's wrong, but when his mask shatters and he says it's all over-]
- the resewn seams of her heart burst apart once more
::
and suddenly
suddenly it is all over
they're on the train for the final time
[she's curled in james' lap and ignoring sirius' mimed vomiting sounds]
and when her tears begin to fall
[when sev walks past the compartment and gives her the coldest stare possible]
when her breath begins to stutter and choke
it is remus who sees
who smiles the first real smile he's smiled in a long while
[he says it's okay and she says I know]
she realises that loves him
and james
and maybe sirius and peter too, though not so much
and her heart is colossal in its love for each of these people who mean so much to her
[and maybe, just maybe, there's a tiny space inside it still reserved for sev, because a friendship like theirs can never be forgotten]
and so she laughs
and laughs
and laughs
and doesn't stop until kings cross is in sight and the train grinds to a halt because laughing feels so damned good and she has a feeling
a feeling
[that none of this will last]
but she doesn't say it out loud
::
there are times when she wonders how big her heart must be to hold so much inside
and the thought of it makes her smile
[and makes her sad, too, just a little]
::