DISCLAIMER: I own nothing.

NOTES OF AN AUTHORESS: Yes this is what happens when I'm bored. I might make it a series. If you review. -pokes-

Ways to give Charlie Swan a heart attack.

You will need:
The entire cast of the "Twilght" series. Including the dead ones. You can't find them? Make a deal with the Grim Reaper, always works for me. HINT: He likes chocolate.
The three books.
A medical team on standby. (You don't really want him to die now, do you?)
A sharp stick.

1. Let's start with the easy ones now, shall we? Tell him that his daughter's dating a vampire.
2. Tell him his daughter's sleeping with a vampire. (Technically true)
3. Tell him that Billy Black sexually harrassed her.
4. Apologize and tell him that in actual fact it was Jacob.
5. Come up with a cunning plan to make the entire werewolf pack imprint on him.
6. Even the ones who already have imprints. Tell him that he has to learn to share.
7. Upset the Volturi. Blame him.
8. Tell him that Bella cheated on Edward with a dog.
9. Tell him Bella's engaged to Mike, Jacob and Edward.
10. When he starts hyperventilating tell him not to be so old-fashioned and that all the cool kids are having four-way marriages.
11. Arrange for him to be married to Bella's truck.
12. When he protests start crying and say that he's broken it's heart.
13. Say that it will now commit suicide by driving over a cliff.
14. With Bella in it.
15. Steal his credit card and bet against the Harlem Globetrotters.
16. Give Alice his credit card and tell her to go on a shopping spree.
17. Wait until there's a big sports game on and break the T.V
18. Better yet lock him outside and let him look in through a window. Turn the T.V away so he can't see it and make random comments.
19. Steal his clothes.
20. Replace them with clown suits.
21. Do this on the day when his station is having an inspection.
22. Staple a chicken to his forehead.
23. Change his ringtone to "I've got a bomb" when he has to go to the airport. Then call him.
24. Send him a bunch of red roses. Sign the gift tag "Carlisle"
25. If all else fails poke him with a stick. Repeat as nessascery.