Of Fish, Dangos and Lizards
'Twas a lovely summer day; the sun shone strongly, the birds chirped and…a group of S-classed criminals were trying to kill each other?
"iiiiiiiiiittAAAACCHHHHIIIIII!!" Kisame charged at his Akatsuki partner, his sharky trailing skills showing their true colors.
"What the heck did I do?!" Itachi realized the blue blur flying his direction and decided to run for it.
"You had FISH for breakfast!!"
"What's wrong with that?!"
"It's the same as eating ME! Do you not care about me?!"
"…NO!!"
The odd-looking chase continued.
"I guess this is my only form of entertainment," Pein sighed, eating dangos with Konan on the grass on top of their cliffy hideout. "Let's hope one of them falls over the edge."
"Well, because there aren't any televisions, we can work on our tans for our mission to the Hidden Village in the Sun as we watch Kisame slice all of your subordinates open."
"I thought it was the Hidden Village in the Snow we're going to…I mean, how can a village be hidden in sunlight? Sunlight actually reveals a village!"
Pein and Konan silently stared at each other with confusiasm.
"Well, in a place like the Hidden Sun, all of that excess sunlight would further plant growth, humidity and rain," Konan took another bite of her brightly-colored summer dessert, confidently smiling the whole while.
"Well, if it rains in the Village of Sun, that defeats its name's purpose!"
"If it didn't rain, it'd be so dry it might as well be called the Sand Village!"
As they continued their argument, Tobi trotted over and sat in-between them on the picnic blanket.
"You know, Pein-sama, Konan-chan," Tobi pointed a finger into the air, "The Hidden Village of Sun isn't an actual place!"
Shocked, all Pein and Konan could do was blink.
"THEN WHERE THE HECK ARE WE GOING FOR THIS MISSION?!"
"The Hidden Sand village, in the Land of Wind. Remember?"
"Oh, phew," Konan sighed. "That means I still get to see Pein with a tan!"
"Heh," Pein tried looking at Konan past Tobi, staring at him as if with a huge smile underneath that mask.
"Oo, Pein-sama, can I get a tan, too?!"
"Yeah, Tobi, go right ahead…"
Tobi immediately flopped over onto the ground and lay there, looking up at the sun.
"My pathetic subordinates…" Pein gave an exasperated sigh.
"What he's trying to say is," Konan told Tobi, "You can't get a tan with clothes that completely cover every inch of you…I mean, you're wearing long sleeves, long pants, gloves, a scarf and a mask! It's summer! Take it off and enjoy yourself!'
"But…But!!" Tobi cried, "I don't want to take my mask off!"
"Then you can't get a tan!"
"Awwwww!"
"TOBI!" Zetsu popped out of the ground, grabbed Tobi's scarf and threw him away from Konan and Pein. "Bug Pein any more than that and you'll never get into Akatsuki!"
Tobi took no more than 5 milliseconds to shut up and sit up straight on the ground.
"Tobi's a good boy," he leaned and whispered to Zetsu.
"Yeah, yeah, now I'm gonna go water myself…"
"Water yourself?"
"As you normal humans put it, 'I'm thirsty'."
Zetsu walked over to a moist spot of grass and fused his foot with it – steadily absorbing water until his Venus Flytrap leaves looked healthily green again.
Tobi watched the whole thing. "I wonder if I can do that!" he said, beginning to dig a hole to bury his foot in the ground.
Suddenly, someone else's foot stomped the dirt back into Tobi's little hole. "Stop the foolish carp, Tobi, hmm!" Deidara said with an angry frown. Tobi, scared, huddled into a ball with his knees by his face, staring at the ground.
Another set of feet followed after Deidara. Tobi looked up to discover it was Sasori who didn't notice him at all. The two artists sat beside Pein and Konan, just as things were finally getting even mildly romantic…
What went through Pein's mind? "MY PATHETIC SUBORDINATES! Give me some alone time already, sheesh!"
Pein tried to keep a grin and keep from speaking his mind all at once, until he noticed the next odd sight of the day apart from Kisame's chase.
"What is…that?!" he pointed to Deidara's head.
"Our new friend!" Sasori gave a shy smile for the first time in a while.
Konan thought I don't care about the strange thing atop Deidara's head…what I wanna know is why those two are actually sitting next to each other! I thought they hated each other!
"What's…its…name?" Pein poked the 'thing'.
"He's not an 'it', he's a lizard!!" Deidara proudly took the lizard off of his head and handed it to Pein. "He said his name is Frosty, hmm!"
Konan looked at Sasori to verify the strange tale. "It spoke?"
"Orochimaru's snakes spoke, remember?" Pein nudged Konan. "It's not all that strange."
"Yes, it spoke," Sasori replied. "Before it spoke, it did some strange head-bob that we learned to imitate! Wanna see it?"
Without waiting for a reply from Pein or Konan, Deidara and Sasori randomly performed several lizard head-bobs.
"Hey, come back!" Deidara chased after Frosty. Frosty sped over to the hole that Tobi had begun to re-dig and performed its own head-bob.
"My territory!" it said, staring Tobi in the eye, expecting a pwnsome victory.
Tobi analyzed this unidentified talking creature and the strange gestures it gave.
Tobi head-bobbed back to Frosty. "My territory! Not yours!"
"MY TERRITORY!"
"MINE!" Tobi picked Frosty up and handed him to Deidara.
Frosty realized that all his actions were futile, so his eyes centered on Deidara's gravity-defying ponytail.
"MY TERRITORY!"
LOL
Deidara was the first to spot another certain other Akatsuki member walking toward them, so he hastily hid behind Pein and sheltered Frosty with him. Tobi looked behind himself too, and spotted 'him'…so he jumped up with a huge mask-covered smile and ran to hug him.
"What the-"
Hidan tried shaking Tobi off, but it didn't work.
"TOBI." Hidan smacked him on the face. This worked like a charm. Hidan slid out of Tobi's grasp and finished it all off by harshly kicking him over the edge of the cliff. Tobi sailed right over Itachi and Kisame; the two were reminded that this, too, could be their fate if they weren't careful around the cliff's edge.
"Pein!" Hidan crouched beside him. Deidara flinched.
"What is it?" Pein asked, knowing that there was a lesser chance of Hidan hurting him as opposed to the others.
"I'm hungry! Make me a bleeping sandwich!"
"What's the magic wooorrrddd?" Pein said in a childish tone.
"NOW!"
"No! Keep acting like that and you'll never get any food!"
Hidan made a gaggy face and twitched uncontrollably. "P…p…p…pl…"
"Yeah, that's it, come on!" Pein urged.
"…."
"Mhm, you can do it!"
"Please?"
Pein smiled. "Good boy!!"
Hidan couldn't take it any longer. "'Please' eat my dust!" He marched on over to Itachi and left Pein alone.
"If you're that hungry, eat your own dust!" Pein yelled back. He heard a faint 'beeeeep!!' as Hidan got further away.
"Itachi!" Hidan punched him on the shoulder as a greeting, "Give me whatever it was that you ate this morning!"
Itachi stared at Hidan. "No. Catch your own fish."
Kisame, who was resting his tired legs from the incredibly long chase, somehow regained all of his strength and marched up to Hidan.
"You. Are. NOT. Eating. Fish."
"Heck yeah I am!" Hidan slipped behind Itachi and tore his kunai bag off of his belt. He emptied its contents.
"Fish!" Hidan rejoiced, stuffing all the fish in his arms to run off with and chucking the kunai bag back at Itachi. Kisame caught up to and tripped Hidan, rescuing all the fish and victoriously stepping his foot on Hidan's back.
Hidan, now at his most furious state, kicked Kisame off of him and stood up, drawing the symbol of a circle with a triangle in it in the dirt and standing in the middle of it.
"Jashin, forgive me if I cannot kill this mortal…fish!!"
Before Hidan could annihilate Kisame, something tripped him again.
"MY SECOND TERRITORY!" the lizard yelled, claiming the symbol on the ground as his own and bobbing his head.
Hidan was silent for a few moments.
"Food!!" he announced and chased after Frosty.
"WAAHHH!!" Frosty scurried faster than ever before. "I'm not food!!"
Frosty jumped off the edge of the cliff onto the soft grass below, and Hidan followed…
"Hey, look, Pein!!" Tobi rubbed his head (seemingly defying the laws of nature by recovering so quickly after what would have been a lethal fall) and skipped over to him.
"What now??"
Deidara, Sasori, and Konan looked on with anticipation.
Tobi's cloak spoke. "Gnarly, dude!!"
Yet more voices emitted from the cloak: "Gnarly?"
"Yeah, dude, gnarly is like, the sweetest word I know!"
"…"
Four lizards poured out of Tobi's cloak and onto Pein's head. Redhead posed for Konan and flashed her a perfect smile.
"Such a charming lizard?" Konan tilted her head.
"Awesome, hmm!" Deidara picked another lizard up and examined it.
"I'm too good to be picked up!! Redhead, come help me!" the lizard by the name of Jasmine demanded.
"Why, dudette?" Redhead said after he flashed everyone flawless, white smiles. "That blonde-haired dude knows my language, man! Awesome! You're like, totally safe with him!"
Jasmine created a gaggy face. "No one that stoops so low as to say 'gnarly' in place of 'superb' deserves to be my assistant! CHANCES!"
"Hm?" he looked up at her from Konan's head.
"What are you doing up there, higher than me?!"
"I'm looking for Frosty."
Jasmine, Lizza, Redhead, Deidara, Sasori, Tobi, Pein and Konan were silent for a few minutes. During this silence, they all heard:
"BLEEP BLEEEEEEEEP!! GET BACK HERE, BLEEP! I'M HUNGRY!"
"wwwaaaaaAAAAHHHHHHH!!" Frosty screamed as he and Hidan ran right past the group. Frosty noticed his lizard friends and hid next to Pein.
"Give me the freaking lizard!" Hidan commanded Pein.
"What's the magic word?"
Hidan really didn't want to start this again, so he gave up and slapped his forehead. "I'm going to the nearest river…" he stormed off into the sunset.
As the Akatsuki watched Hidan vanish, they eventually realized that the lizards weren't with them anymore.
"To the general store!" Kakuzu said with an armful of lizards and a grin as he hopped off the cliff.
"NOOOO!!" the rest of the Akatsuki chased after him.
Moral(s) of the story?
Don't eat fish for breakfast,
Pay attention to the details when you're asked to go on a mission,
Remember to say please,
And head-bob to claim your territory!