***ENGLISH IS NOT MY LANGUAGE***

So, this is the fic I boasted so muhc about. If it flops miserably as my last fic let's pretend this never happened hehe.

Let me know what you think of this first part :)

CHAPTER 1

TEDDY

I'm lying on a tiny, uncomfortable bed in the cold ER of my hospital, staring at the ceiling that opens to me like an immense white sheet on which I could write one by one all the feelings and emotions that are going through me.

I'm dizzy. Yes, I am; almost on the verge of throwing up right here.

I'm confused. Yes, I am; I had fainted just as I was explaining to a patient his condition.

I'm scared. Of course I am, never in my life had I fainted, everything was so fast and sudden that I didn't have time to hold on to anything.

I'm sad. That doesn't need confirmation.

Since that night I feel as if a light inside me had gone out, like a house in ruins, an accumulation of echoes, darkness and memories of the past, of better times, of happy times.

The constant beep of a cardiac monitor in the ER is lulling me to sleep. Beep, beep, beep. My eyelids feel so heavy. Beep, beep, beep. The strength is leaving my limbs. Beep, beep, beep. My mind is swinging like a tiny ship on the sea between consciousness and unconsciousness. Beep, beep, beep. Memories of that night begin to lurk in my head mixing with memories of those happy times. Beep, beep, beep. I'm struggling to keep my eyes open.

"Major Altman! We have your diagnosis ready!"

My eyes snap open. The shrill and loud voice of one of my residents manages to penetrate to the depths of my brain, pulling me back on alert in a matter of seconds. Next to her, Conrad, our head of plastics and my best friend, looks at me with something I can't figure out. Enthusiasm? Sweetness? Concern? I don't know.

"Thank heavens, I'm falling asleep on this uncomfortable piece of sponge". I answer while I try to sit on the bed supporting myself on my elbows.

"None of that Major Altman, we still have 3 surgeries to perform!" The resident responds me with a huge white smile that for a moment I find it uncomfortable to the extent of wanting to ask her to leave and take her positivism with her. I don't do it.

"Dr. Morris, could you leave me alone with Dr. Altman for a moment, please?" Without giving her time to answer Conrad is already turning the resident around and directing her to the other side of the curtain of my little cubicle. "If we need something we'll page you Dr. Morris".

Conrad sits next to me on the bed and takes me by the hand. "How do you feel? You gave us a big scare". His voice is soft, almost like a murmur.

"Better, thanks. And thanks for sending that girl away, her voice was getting on my nerves, and why does she keep calling me Mayor? Ugh!" I say as I drop on the pillows and cover my eyes with my arm.

"Maybe because that's your rank and you're the Chief of this whole damn military hospital? She's being polite, Major Altman. Also, you love interns and residents".

"Yes, but not today. Today I want them all away from me, I've no patience to answer to their stupid questions".

Conrad lets out a giggle while caressing my knuckles with his thumb. I met Conrad when I moved to Germany, he was my first friend, or rather, he is my only friend. I met him at my favorite roasted chicken place and from the very first moment we clicked, it didn't happen to me with anyone else since Arizona, I don't know if the chemistry between us was really that big that we got along from the first moment, or the fact that I was still hurt by what had happened in Seattle, the loss of Henry, the way I left the city without saying goodbye to anyone but Owen and was in desperate search for a shoulder to cry on or simply his relaxed and carefree way of being that made me feel attracted to him, to his friendship.

Of course there couldn't be anything else between us, in the first place, because I didn't want to know anything about relationships and secondly because just a few weeks after we met he opened to me as gay. Maybe he noticed how much I was enjoying his presence that was like a breath of fresh air in the middle of my desolate existence, maybe he thought that I was into him or expecting something more, attachment Barbie after all, so he decided declare his sexual orientation, not that it was a secret or that it bothered me. At all! So his confession was an unnecessary formality.

Our friendship grew more and more by the day, he told me about his life and I told mine, I told him about my parents, about Allison, Henry... Owen. And so little by little our friendship became more intimate, I became the sister he had lost and he in the brother I never had, both leaning on each other to cope with this heavy burden that some call life, making it much lighter and more bearable.

After that night with Owen his mere presence once again illuminated my insides, although not entirely, that night had marked me forever and I don't know if something could completely illuminate my interior one day.

"Tell me what I have so that I can get out of this damn place! I can't believe I have my patients lying in these attempt of mattresses".

"You've been pretty moody lately".

"Me? Of course not!" I don't know why but for a moment I feel his words as a personal attack and a knot forms in my throat. You are crazy, Theodora. I drop my head back on the pillows.

"Of course you do... and I know why".

"Oh, so now you're a fortune-teller?"

"No, but I'm a hell of a doctor, although your diagnosis didn't require much analysis".

"Just tell me what I have Conrad, please!" I shudder internally at the sound of my voice, like a child throwing a tantrum. "Just spit it out, what is it? Anemia? It's that, isn't it? "

"No, it's not anemia".

"Then?"

He takes both my hands and looks me straight in the eyes. "Teddy… little bird". Oh no, he's using our nickname, he always uses it as a sign of affection, but under these circumstances I don't know if it's good or bad. "You are pregnant".

I let out a laugh but his face remains impassive and he just hands me my chart. I don't look at it, instead I nail my pleading eyes in his. "Conrad." His name comes from my lips more like an imploring, a plea for all this to not be true. He sees me with tenderness and why not, some pity. He knows that this is not the best time, he knows who's the father of this baby and under what circumstances it was conceived, he is still furious with Owen. As soon as I look at my chart I can't visualize anything since the tears cloud my eyes and fall on the sheet of paper.

"You know I wish this were under different circumstances, honey".

I toss the chart aside and I turn around bringing my knees to my chest, making myself small in the face of this huge feeling of fear and sadness. And I cry like never before, not even like when my parents died, or Alison or Henry, not even when Owen left.

"I can't do this, Conrad, I can't!" I say in a choked voice of sobs.

Conrad turns me gently by the shoulder and brings me to him, laying beside me on the tiny bed, pressing me hard against his chest, stroking my hair and kissing my forehead.

"Cry honey, cry all you want, I'm here".

After a few minutes crying against his chest at last my crying ceases enough to be able to speak again. "I can't do this Conrad; I don't want to do it". I whisper sobbing against his chest.

He changes his position and takes my soaked face in tears between his hands. "You can't or you don't want?" I don't know what to answer. Is it not the same? As if reading my mind, he adds. "Because if you don't want to, you know what the solution is, you are a physician..."

No! I would never do that, I respect the women who decide to do that, but I don't think the same.

"You know what? We can't have this conversation here". He helps me get out of bed and put on my shoes, then puts his arm around my shoulders, I snuggle my head on his shoulder and we both leave the emergency room. On our way we ran into that annoying resident again.

"Mayor Altman, everything is ready to start with our evening rounds". She tells me with her shrill voice and before I can answer Conrad goes ahead.

"Please tell everyone that Major Altman won't be available for the rest of the day and neither will I".

"But..." the resident objected.

"Now you are in charge Dr. Morris, take advantage of the moment because maybe it will never happen again". Conrad answers and before she can object again we are already out of the ER.

All the way to my apartment we both remain silent, only the engine of my car and the music at a low volume can be heard. I can't believe that a human being, a baby, is growing inside me. It's too much for my head to fully process, at the moment I don't even know how I feel because the truth is I don't feel anything. When Conrad first gave me the news my first instinct was to cry, I was scared, but now? I'm not sad, I'm not happy, I don't know how I feel; the rational part of my brain tells me that it's only the product of the shock, that once the news sink into me my emotions will come out overflowing.

Once at home we both lay down in the sofa huddled, he places his hand on my belly and I flinch and pull off his hand with more aggressiveness than necessary, but he says nothing.

"So... Where did we leave our conversation?"

"You asked me if I didn't want or couldn't have this baby".

"And?"

"I want but I can't". I answer in a thin voice and my answer is more a question.

"Why not? You're still young, you have a great job, you've always wanted to be a mother. What's stopping you?"

"Don't you realize, Conrad? After how things ended between Owen and me... I... we are done, I kicked him out of here I-I-I can't".

"Of course you can love, you're going to call that bastard and you're going to tell him you're expecting his child, he also has responsibility in this".

"What if he doesn't want to know anything about me?"

He shifts and looks me in the eyes. "That's his loss, you don't need him honey, you are a hardworking woman, just check out your past, everything you've gone through, everything you've overcome and you're still here, standing up and being the most hard-working, selfless and kind woman of the world... you are a gem my love, and you deserve the world and more importantly you are not alone, you have me, you and your baby will always have me, do you understand? I'll be the cool, nice and sassy uncle Conrad!"

I can't do more than cry and throw myself into his arms, suddenly I don't feel so alone anymore because I'm not, I have Conrad... I'll have my baby. And just like that, with powerful force that blows my mind the news sinks in me... I have my baby, I will have my baby, I will be a mom. Now I know what I feel, yes, I'm scared, but I'm also immensely happy, I'll be a mom; I don't know if Owen wants to be part of this and that saddens me a little, but I'm happy, that dream that I had let go for years will finally come true, I'll have a baby.

"Conrad!" I sit on the sofa exclaiming like an excited girl.

"What?!" He asks me consfused.

"I'll be a mom!" I answer as if I've just found out.

"Yes?" He responds bewildered by my reaction.

"I'll have a baby!" I shriek.

"Yes, I told you that about an hour ago".

His confused expression causes me too much laughter and I laugh so hard that I can't control my body, I let my head fall back laughing with such force that soon my cheeks and belly muscles start to ache from the effort, but I still laugh.

"Teddy, honey, are you okay?"

"I'LL HAVE A BABY! Of course I'm fine!"

"Yes, you'll have a baby!"

"Oh my God Conrad, I'm so happy!"

"And I'm happy that you're happy... Oh my God, Teddy!"

"What?!"

"I'll be uncle!"

We both laugh out loud as we hug each other, I'm so happy that I allow myself to forget that I still have to inform a certain person about the existence of a certain tiny human. But I'll do that later, for now I want to enjoy this, I'll have a baby.

"Let's go!" I say, getting up from the sofa and pulling Conrad up by the hand.

"Where?"

"To dine, I'm starving".

"Honey, I can cook something for you here, out there it's freezing cold".

"I don't care, I'm starving and I want roasted chicken, I want a whole roasted chicken".

"Teddy..." He complains.

"You're not going to deny a craving to a pregnant woman, aren't you?"

He sighs and gets up from the sofa following me behind. I never thought that it would be so satisfying to play this card of the pregnant woman to get away with my will. Undoubtedly it is something that I'll get used to easily, maybe I won't say the same of morning sickness and breast tenderness, but I'll deal with it later, who knows and I can also use it to get away with my will.

So? Thoughts?