I met her at the end. She's been a part of me for so long now. It's hard to imagine that she won't always be, but of course I know, have always known, that that is not the case.
She's been in my life for over three centuries now, almost half of that as my wife. Our time has always been wibbly wobbly and upside down, backside front. The early days were frustrating. She obviously knew me so well, yet she was such a mystery to me. The flip side, where I loved her, but she barely knew me, may have been even more so, although it certainly helped me to understand how she had felt for years - or would feel for years, from her perspective.
The middle ground though, oh those wonderful times when we are on fairly equal footing; those times are exquisite. When I know her and she knows me. Our diaries may not be exactly in sync at any given time, but the little details don't really matter. Just being in that place where we know each other, where we both love each other, makes anything else insignificant.
It's funny, that so often we have to be careful what we say, what we talk about, to avoid those ever present Spoilers. Yet, we tell each other everything. While we can't always talk much about our various adventures together, we have talked endlessly about everything else. She is the only person I have ever known that I have been able to share everything with, to tell about my childhood and my family. To tell of lost friends, lost loves, lost battles; to tell of a lost world. She knows my joys, my fears, and my heartaches. She knows my hopes and longings, and understands the demons that chase my dreams.
Her name is so apt, both her names really. She is a river that has coursed through my life, meandering in and out, sometimes a gentle steady flow, other times raging wildly. And she is a pond, deep and still, a place where I can come to a rest. Her song is so vital and strong and it encompasses me. I know that her melody will always be a part of me, even long after she is gone.
I know she will be going soon, that our time together is growing shorter. Soon we will go to Darillium; soon she will go to The Library. I would do anything to stop it, to change it. Yet if I did, we would never have what we have now, what we have had all these years. She told me then to not change one line of our times together and I now know why. They have been glorious, our times, as we have run through time and space.
In the end, the only thing I could do – will be able to do – is give her a proper Time Lord afterlife. Gallifrey is no more and the Matrix is no more either. The computer in The Library is close though, another micro-universe, another simulated reality environment, just as the Matrix was. There River can spend her eternity with CAL and with her friends, Miss Evangelista, Other Dave and Proper Dave, and Anita. And hopefully, someday, with me.
I don't know how long I will live in the end. Between my own and those River gave me, I don't even know how many more regenerations I will have. With everything I have lost, it sometimes seems that I have lived too long already. Having her with me has been a balm to my ancient soul. I wish she didn't have to go. I wish I didn't know that I have to go on without her.
I plan to join her there in the end, in The Library. When my days are finally over, no more regenerations to be had, we can be together again. We will be on middle ground, in linear time. There will be no more separations, no more wibbly wobblies, no upside down, no backside front, just River and the Doctor, together, forever.