I don't really have a way with words, not like you do. But I want to tell you a story, humor me for a bit, please. When I was younger, one day in class my Biology teacher asked us, "If you had a choice… would you choose to feel pain?" The class (and I) thought that this question was ridiculous, and - with the naive certainty of teenagers - shouted, "No pain!" He then said something that I remember till today, "Pain is your body's way of telling you that something's wrong. That hurt is an indication that something needs to be fixed. It's tempting to wish that you were immune to pain, but then… how would you know what needed fixing? Without pain, you could be dying and not know it. The pain you feel is a reminder, a to-do note your body is sending you." I'm sorry you are not doing so well, starling. But, your pain, wherever it is coming from, is not an indication that you are undeserving of love or that your worth is somehow lessened. It's just your body reminding you that something needs to be fixed. And everything needs fixing someday or another; humans - like machines - need constant repairs. Don't beat yourself up for needing maintenance. Stay strong, It gets better, but until it does, I'm here if you need anything.

Victor wet his lips, unsure why his chest was so tight or why his lungs felt like they were struggling to draw a breath.

He had opened his Tumblr expecting to field some questions about his skincare routine and maybe try to catch a post from the cute ballet dancer he was lowkey stalking. Victor's mind stalled, treacherous thoughts surfacing unbidden, and he let out a shaky breath.

I came out to have a good time, but I am honestly feeling so attacked right now.

Victor had learnt early on that no one wanted him, even if they claimed they did. They wanted a carefully curated piece of himself, with all the bad and ugly parts filtered out.

He needed to be the charming son, smiling and beautiful, for his parents.

He needed to be the ethereal but relatable host of his Youtube channel, for his viewers.

He needed to be fun and exciting and happening for his friends.

No one wanted the parts of him that clawed and burnt and stung. So, Victor learnt to smile while his blood raged, and laugh when his spirit ached, and agree when his body felt like crumpling with the weight of living.

Soon, Victor was smiling so hard that he himself forgot about the empty spaces that rested within his soul.

Soon, Victor forgot what it was to feel anything at all.

In a way, it was a relief; to not feel the tiredness, to not wallow in the sadness, the misery, the loneliness that had crawled into his heart.

(But in a way, it also made him forget what it was like to feel )

But it was okay, he internalized the lesson, and locked away the parts of himself that made people look uncomfortable, and silence conversations. He sliced away, with surgical precision, the itch beneath his skin and the tightness in his heart. He only showed the parts that were beautiful, light and easy to handle.

It worked.

Soon, Victor was famous, a star , with friends all around the world, and admirers who claimed to love him.

He was living.

(Even if it didn't feel like it sometimes)

But this life of deception meant that he was always alone when the demons come knocking.

But that was fine.

He could handle it alone, he has certainly had enough practice.

So why was this message on Tumblr affecting him so much?

He felt like someone had looked deep into his soul and managed to see every little thing Victor had tried to secret away, and despite it all, they hadn't turned away, instead, offering a hand of support and love.

Victor had learnt a long time ago that unconditional love didn't exist.

So, why was this message on Tumblr…

Victor started typing, "Thank you. I -"

But before he could continue, messages started popping up in the chat with quick succession.

Omg, this was meant for my friend who is having a bad day! I am so sorry, Mr. Nikiforov, I did not mean to disturb you! Please don't block me, I am really, really sorry! OTL OTL OTL

Victor licked his lips.

And started typing.

Hey, no worries. What you wrote was really sweet. Your friend is lucky they have someone like you on their side

There.

That didn't sound too desperate, right?

Victor sent it, as quickfire replies started streaming in.

Ah… Thank you… I am a big fan of your work. I am really sorry to have disturbed you. I swear I will never message you again. Sorry again!

Victor felt threads of panic overtake him as he started typing, fingers quivering as energy thrummed beneath his skin.

You didn't disturb me, and if I may be so bold, I wouldn't mind hearing from you again.

Victor waited. Ten minutes turned to fifteen, which turned to twenty.

Only, there was no reply.

Heart crumpling, Victor berating himself, closed the tab.

When you're sad but still have to show them the ol' razzle dazzle

The next day, Victor woke up to a notification. Bleary-eyed and squinting at the light, he held the phone over his face and unlocked it.

I wouldn't mind hearing from you again, as well.

Victor shouted as the phone fell from his suddenly slack fingers, onto his face with a resounding thump. Makkachin nearby whined in protest at her pillow moving around and disturbing her sleep.

Victor stared incredulously at the message, wondering if the bright screen was playing tricks on him.

Maybe he had dreamed it into existence?

But, still the message persisted.

Victor licked his lips, and went to their profile, something he had forgotten to do last night, only to grawp unattractively; It was the cute ballet dancer he was lowkey stalking!

Makkachin huffed as her pillow started making high-pitched sounds, she nosed over to her Victor, only for him to clutch her tightly and continue making that noise.

She licked him worriedly, but he didn't seem unhappy.

Her Victor laughed and jumped up, urging her on by asking if she wanted to go for a walk. Makkachin barked, and jumped out of the bed, following her Victor, putting the strange events out of her mind.

I am glad we are on the same page then. I have a feeling this is the beginning of a beautiful friendship.