To understand = att förstå
Disclaimer: Holby City is not my creation and doesn't belong to me. I just want to play around with a few wonderful characters for a while.
Characters: Sahira Shah/Henrik Hanssen
Genre: Angst, friendship
Time/Spoilers: Set in season 14/Ribbons
Summary: Sahira's POV while leaving Holby and Henrik behind.
Beta: molly2012 – a big thank you!
A/N: Ever since I first saw this on the reruns 5 am today I've had this scene in my head and I need to get it out. It was so sad to see them part ways like that but in the end I believe that Sahira Shah really understood Henrik Hanssen.
Anyway, I would love to hear what you thought about it. I realize this is set so long ago that some of you probably can't even remember Sahira, LOL
OOOOOO
Sahira Shah had tears in her eyes as she walked back towards the car that she and Rafi owned car, a BMW X5. Monotonously, like she was on autopilot, she opened the heavy car door and eased into the driver's seat. However, she didn't pull the gear in. Instead she carefully dared a glance toward the main entrance of the Wyern Wing where her patient - and Henrik's - was being wheeled in.
'Is this how our friendship's going to end?' she thought with a wry grimace. Was this the last time she and her mentor would argue over a lost cause, or the last time they would manipulate each other into doing things that benefitted only one of them?
Sahira's mood was plummeting as she continued to glance toward the entrance, hoping that the tall, dark, Swedish Director of Surgery, and her mentor for so long, would turn around to face her just one last time.
Her eyes were boring into his back as if her will alone could make him turn, or at least look over his shoulder. Therefore her heart skipped a beat as he suddenly did what she was hoping for. Then a part of her really wished he hadn't because his dark eyes betrayed his otherwise calm and imposing exterior. For a man that rarely showed any kind of emotion, at least not in the way that she defined emotion, he looked sad and even regretful as he gazed at her. Simply, Henrik Hanssen was showing her emotion and it hurt her to see him reduced from that cold and emotionless, always in control kind of man, to a feeling human being. It made him almost vulnerable, made him look a little bit lost.
They held each other's gaze for a moment before she thought she saw a ghost of a smile crease his lips. Then he carefully straightened his slightly slumped shoulders, and smoothed his jacket and turned his face away.
Sahira Shah berated herself at that moment. It was clear to her in that instance that he did love her, although not the way she had assumed, or rather the way everyone else had assumed. He loved her as a pupil, a child that needed guidance and approval. When she thought about it, his actions made much more sense that way. He'd always been protective of her, pushed her into doing things she didn't think she could manage, manipulating her into things. It hadn't been easy having him as a mentor but in the end she couldn't have wished for someone better. He had given her opportunities at every hospital where they'd worked together. At Holby he'd given her the Cardiac Trauma Unit even though he knew it hadn't been a wise move for him to do so. Henrik Hanssen had gone out of his way, out of his comfort zone, to give her what she wanted.
Sahira suddenly felt ashamed of herself as the tears finally spilled over. She had accused him of being cold, an emotionless freak that thrived on other's failures. She had asked him if he loved her romantically because others believed so. She'd argued fiercely for her department at times, only seeing her side of it, not his.
Of course Henrik had been jealous of Rafi, but not in the way Greg Douglas had. Henrik had been jealous of Rafi because he kept her away from work, away from him. After all those years she still held a place in his heart. He'd seen her as his own daughter and friend.
Sahira watched as Henrik Hanssen hesitantly cast one last glance at her and she saw him for who he was beneath that cold exterior, an image that he'd created, even practised over the years. She saw him as a human being trying to take the world upon his shoulders, trying to ride out the storms alone, bottling up everything inside, pretending nothing bothered him.
She reached for the door handle, desperately feeling the urge to go to him, to embrace him in a hug, to tell him everything would be all right. To apologize to him for everything she'd gotten wrong about him, but before she even managed to squeeze the handle he'd fully turned around and begun to walk away, heading for the doors. In the next moment he was simply gone.
He was tending to the son of a grieving father – a case in which she had felt confident of being able to give the son another few weeks, even months, to live. A case in which they had disagreed upon treatment. A case where she'd lied to get her way only to leave Henrik to deal with it alone as she left Holby.
In a way she was grateful that she'd had the guts to do it because it wasn't until Henrik Hanssen, the looming, fearful, Director of Surgery, had knelt opposite the father and explained how much it hurt to lose someone that it finally clicked. That he was actually talking about her, about how hard it was for him to let her go, about the pain it caused him. Rafi didn't notice the subtle message directed to her in his speech, but she did.
Tears prickled her cheeks as she stared after the man who was long gone from her sight. She'd told him not to e-mail her, or write her or… She'd said those things because he'd hurt her. She hadn't really meant it. Then as he didn't seem to be bothered by her leaving she'd topped it all off by saying he should go back to his own private and isolated little hell.
'What have I done?' she whispered as she slowly drove away – away from Holby, away from Henrik.
There was no doubt in her mind that she would miss the enigmatic Swede but, this time, they'd hurt each other so badly, both saying things just to protect themselves from getting hurt even more, that their friendship had been shattered. It was with a heavy heart that Sahira suddenly remembered the inscription in the Swedish dictionary that he'd given her a long time ago, when she'd been a medical student. At the first page he'd neatly written; "att förstå = to understand".
With a pang of regret Sahira came to realise that she'd failed to do just that. She'd failed to understand her mentor, failed to work out the enigma of Henrik Hanssen – until now, and now it was too late.
She was in love with him too, it wasn't just him that loved her. She loved him the same way he loved her. While he loved her as a child she loved him as a father. Their love wasn't based on sexual relations; instead it was built of trust, genuine care for one another and faith in each other. It was based on the belief that no matter if it was good or bad times they would always be there for one another.
There was a spark in her dark brown eyes as she silently cursed Rafi and Greg for complicating things to this extent with Henrik. When the time was right and, when she was ready, she would apologise to him for all the hurt she'd caused him.
"To understand – att förstå," she said softly, sadness tinting her voice, suddenly wishing she'd kept the dictionary with her. Then at least a small part of him would have been at her side.
OOOOOO
The end