Dear Fanfiction,
Firstly, my name is Harry. Not Harriet. Nor Harrietta. Nor any other stupid girly name. Not even a non-Harry-related girl name. I'm a guy, for Godric's sake!
And I'm JAMES'S son. Not Snape's. YOU'RE ALL FREAKS. My mum did not have an affair! Nor did my parents come back to life. That's just creepy.
I am definitely not gay. I'm happy with my wife, who happens to be of the female species, and I love her very much. Hermione is a sister to me! WHEN WILL YOU ACCEPT THIS? I don't like her! And I definitely don't like Ron! And if you ever so much as mention me and Malfoy again, I'll hex you- after I throw up. Don't even go into me and Snape. You seem to like shipping me with all sorts of random human beings and I assure you, I don't fancy McGonagall.
And, if I'm honest, I'd prefer not to talk about "smut". I'm never going to look at a lemon the same way again.
Harry