Disclaimer: The characters and Universe of Star Trek do not belong to me. I am making no financial gain from this story.

This is a companion piece to 'Breakfast' but in a different style. You'll need to at least skim 'Breakfast' first to make sense of this.

Operation Bamboozle

Part 1

Malcolm's preliminary notes: obtained by devious means.

-------------------------

Security Lock Alpha Gamma Delta 2-3: Reed, Lt. Malcolm

Strictly Top Secret ------------- NO UNAUTHORISED ACCESS

Mission Planning – Preliminary Notes

Operation Bowman? No. No good. Much too obvious. Plus it reminds me of that old film where the computer goes insane and takes matters into its own hands. Strikes a little too close to home. Whoever chose it for Movie Night last month is also insane, in my opinion – I had to baby a number of jumpy people over the next few days after it was shown. And what was that ending about?!

And I can't believe they are showing 'Alien' next week. Who is choosing these films? I've a good mind to go to the Captain and get it changed.

Huh. He'd only laugh at me... who am I kidding - Trip does so why would Archer be any different? As I recall, Trip thought it highly amusing when I complained to him about all the calls I was getting after that film '2001: A Space Odyssey' was shown. Every time our computer did the most minor unexpected thing there would be a panicky crewmate on the other end of the comm channel. And then, when the computer actually did begin to do some very peculiar things - the doors unexpectedly opening and closing at inopportune times comes to mind, oh and what might be otherworldly 'voices' coming from the comm panels - Trip wouldn't take it seriously. Travis thought that was funny too.

Hmm.

I wonder...?

Naah...

Why can't we see more modern films? 'Die Hard 32: The Remake' came out last year and I still haven't seen it.

Okay, rant over. Back to work.

How about...

Operation Agincourt...? Relates to longbows, literary connections, an English win by a few archers against huge odds – that has to be inspiring! Although, would that make me French if Archer is taken to be a longbow man...? Umm. I suppose we are really on the same side (despite the Captain's apparent dedication to doing the absolute opposite to anything I advise), so I can be English as well. "Cry 'God for Malcolm, England and St. George!" ::laughs::. That has a great ring to it. Mind you, there is also..."Once more unto the breach, dear friends, once more; Or close the wall up with our English dead" .::sobers up:: Umm. Perhaps not.

Pass on this. Also, too pretentious. Pretentious? Moi?!

Scrap Operation Agincourt

Let's try

Operation Obfuscate: Most apt. Yeah. Go with this.

---------------

No. I've had to scrap that. I was having a professional discussion with Trip today which got rather heated. I don't know why. It seemed quite plain to me, but he went on and on, and then shouted, "You know your trouble, Malcolm? You just want to obfuscate everything!" It shocked me, I must admit. So much so, that I couldn't get my response to his objections out of my mouth, so we ended up doing the mods his way after all. I expect it is pure coincidence.

I mean, it has to be, hasn't it?

I suppose he might have caught a glimpse of the file name. He may be a good engineer, but he can't hack into files, can he? Nah. Hoshi might, but not Trip...

Did I see them talking together today...?

It's no good. I better change it. And change the security algorithm. And up the encryption level.

So, scrap Operation Obfuscate.

----------------

At last -- Got it!

Operation Bamboozle. Perfect.

Whew. That's only taken me several hours on and off to come up with.

----------------

Phase 1: Water Polo

What is it like? General impression (according to Trip who's sat through a game) - "A bunch of guys screwing around in a pool."

Do I really want to go there? ::Sigh:: Needs must.

The Captain's team? Trip says Texas, but I don't believe him. Surely the Captain is from California?

-----------------

I was right! I challenged Trip and he admitted he was having me on. It's CalTech!

-----------------

Basic facts.

First fact: Two teams, four players on each team – make a note of that. It always looks like more. I suppose that's because they thrash around so much in the water. That could be a useful point of discussion.

Second fact: popular in South America. Well, I never knew that.

Third fact: played on a pitch roughly equivalent to three soccer pitches. Size 180m x 270m.

Huh?

That doesn't sound right.

Oh. Search omitted 'water' for some reason.

Try again. Here it is: played in pool of maximum size 30m x 20m, minimum 20m x 10m. Number of players in a team is 13, 7 of which can be in the playing area at any time.

::sigh:: This is going to be hard work...

-------------------

Gggrrr. Trip. I'll kill him one of these days! - Save the aliens the trouble. Doesn't he realise how important accurate intelligence is in any mission? Admittedly, he doesn't actually know he is assisting me with Operation Bamboozle, but it was very underhand of him nonetheless. His motives had to be questionable. Hoshi confirms the Captain's team is Stanford! She sees all the data traffic via the comms channel. The Captain has feeds for Stanford info.

Hoshi was suspicious of my interest but I think I got away with it.

Next task: Download Stanford Water Polo News Items. Plenty of these in the ship's library. I wonder why - Not!

Rules: I wonder if they have an offside rule? That's always good for a few hours' discussion in football.

There's certainly a lot on foul play and 'brutality'.

Let's see. Rule 21.8: 'One of the most serious acts of striking is elbowing backwards (figure 19), which can result in serious injury to the opponent.'

Hmm. Must remember that. It might come in useful one day.

That appears to be the highlight. I suppose if I dwell on it too much, the Captain will think that's all I care about - not exactly suitable for breakfast conversation is it? Pity. Back to less confrontational aspects of the game, then.

::big sigh::

-------------------

Phase 2: Henry Archer

'The Engine and the Man' -- Download and study.

Need to be careful with this one. Don't want to get onto fathers in general.

::pause::

I still can't believe the Captain called my parents without asking me! What did they think?! All that technology and Starfleet equipment used for a completely trivial purpose. I expect Dad thinks Archer is a right idiot. That doesn't reflect well on me either, does it? And then the Captain interfering, trying to subtly suggest I should write to them. I just pretended I was far too dense to understand what he was getting at. Worryingly, he had no trouble in believing that.

--------------------

Phase 3: Beagles

Source Material:

'Beagles: A Guide to Pedigrees'—'Summary: A comprehensive analysis of several hundred years of bloodlines, including genetics, dosage (measurement of speed and stamina), female families, and X-factor beagles (particularly influential)' -- Download and study. Only 500 pages or so... small type. Plus Appendices... even smaller type.

Is this really necessary? Do I really need to prepare a Phase 3? I better had, otherwise I know I will regret it. 'Be Prepared.' ::sigh:: Was there ever a Beagle Merit Badge?

'Fun with Your Beagle'—'Summary: teach your Beagle tricks and amaze your friends! Includes diagrams.' -- Download and study. Hhmm. The diagrams seem a tad complex. I might need to borrow the holographic target projector from the Armory to get a good 3D representation of them. I could say I was re-calibrating it or something if anyone asks why I want it.

Actually, looking at these diagrams, some of them could make very interesting target tracks. I'd have to delete the images of the beagles of course. My God! Imagine if the Captain caught us using beagle targets! I'd be busted to Crewman Second Class for sure and spend the rest of my career scrubbing plasma conduits.

Are my holoshopping techniques up to it?

Yeah... I'll risk it.

Umm. But I'll only use the program when I'm absolutely certain the Captain won't be dropping by. It'd be just my luck to miss deleting one. Or they'll magically reappear from a different earlier saved version.

What's next?

'The Picture Guide to Beagles'—'Summary: A pictorial guide to Beagles.' You don't say?! How do they come up with these creative titles? -- Download and study.

'A Veterinary Manual for Beagle Owners'—'Summary: Up to date reference work for the beagle owner, including a new chapter on Denobulan medicine and its applicability to beagles.'-- Download and study. I wonder what it says about cheese. Does variety matter? Is Stilton - horrible stuff... you'll never get me eating that again! - worse than cheddar?

'The Poetry of Beagles'—'Summary: Beagles have inspired many of our best poets over the years. This is a collection of some of their most popular works.' -- Download and study. I refuse to recite any, however.

'A Beagle Miscellany'—'Summary: A volume of beagle prose, poetry and art. Includes interactive sculpture section.' -- Download and study. I think I might actually try the sculpture part. I am sure I have an artistic talent. I just haven't found it yet. Perhaps sculpture is my 'thing'?

'My Beagle – My Friend'—'Summary: A true story of astonishing poignancy. When a man falls ill, his faithful beagle comforts him.' -- Download and study, if I must. Have bucket nearby, just in case. Huh? I don't believe it! This blurb says it has been made into an award-winning movie. Perhaps 'Alien' isn't so bad after all?

'A Beagle and a Ukulele'—'A biography of the famous 'singing' beagle, Bob. Includes re-mastered recordings.' --Download and study, but under no circumstances play. Might this give the Captain dangerous ideas? Possibly... I'll need to think carefully before deploying this weapon. I don't think he's got a ukulele but Trip has a harmonica.

'Beagle World' – 'Summary: A bimonthly magazine covering all the breaking news in the Beagle world and regular features 'My Beagle of a Lifetime', 'Great Beagles of the Past' and 'Where to walk with your Beagle' (with interactive map). Issues held from 2100 to date -- Download and study. I expect all the readers' competitions are well past the entry dates by now.

Oh. A quick glance at some of the letters pages shows that emotions can run high in the beagle fraternity. What's this topic? Whether one should use a plaid or fluorescent blanket for walks in inclement weather. I wonder what the Captain favours? 'Plaid' is tartan, isn't it? I'm surprised they don't mention that only certain clan members... Oh. They do.

::sigh:: I know I mustn't shirk from hardship, but in this case, I really don't think I can bring myself to discuss the merits of tartan against high-viz with the Captain. Nah. He would think any blanket is sissy wouldn't he? That's as good a justification as any to leave that topic well alone. I'll only revert to this if absolutely desperate.

'Tinker, Tailor, Soldier... Beagle' – 'Summary: A tense espionage thriller in which a spymaster's beagle is suspected of being a mole.' -- Download and study. This sounds strangely familiar, although I can't quite place the beagle reference.

Hmm... We are well stocked with beagle works it would seem. Ahh, here is one which has been added more recently...

'101 Uses for a Dead Beagle'--'Summary: 'Robust' cartoon fun.' – Download and study.

Delete 'The Voyage of the Beagle' from the search results. Pity, because it's much more interesting but irrelevant to canines.

::deep sigh:: This is going to take forever...

I think I'll start with '101 Uses...'

-----------------

That was actually quite funny. Some of the suggestions could even be practicable. Ahh. Someone has added a review. Let's see...

"This is full of sick humor and I am shocked to find it in my ship's library. However, it does not contravene the ship's library regulations as they stand at present. Until those are amended, which will be soon, it must remain available. I urge you to avoid this work" -- Signed 'A Concerned Beagle Lover'

Yeeesss. I see. Someone seems to have mislaid his sense of humour. Or should I say... humor. I wonder who that might possibly, possibly be?

'Was this Review Helpful?' - click on 'nul points'! Oh, well, One Star then, as that's the minimum. Should I add my own review? No. Better not. Who knows how anonymous these things really are?

I'm not paranoid. Just rightly cautious.

Enough fun.

No- wait - let's see... if I was being exceedingly evil, what would I put in my review? Hhmm? What about...

"This book is hilarious and well worth a read! The only people who won't enjoy it are humourless, pompous, self- important, security- lax idiots who spend far too much time poking into other people's business. Don't let some small-minded killjoy Dictator deprive you of your fun." -- Signed AnonyCat

Hee.

I think the capital 'D' of 'Dictator' is a particularly nice touch.

Ah well, it's fun to fantasize on what the Captain's response would be to that. I rather think it would provoke his white-to red-to purple-face progression.

I'm not a horrible person, really. So - press 'Delete' and bye bye revi-

What?!

Oh No! NO!

I've ADDED it! How could that happen?

Damn, Damn...

Don't Panic, Don't Panic.

I didn't sign it, did I? The Captain won't be looking at the reviews, will he? It is anonymous, isn't it? But I mentioned security... and spelt 'humourless' correctly.

Damn!

Security override! Will that work with the library net?

This is worse than dealing with angry aliens. At least with those one can usually just shoot back.

----------------

So, now the library net has recovered from its mysterious crash, it appears that the most recent changes were not saved - including my review. I can breathe again.

I don't think the librarian suspected. Though he did give me some funny looks when I saw him later in the Mess Hall. Did he mutter something about the abuse of power? Or was it that he was worried about the power supply?

I better leave it a couple of weeks before following up with him - again!- on my missing order for Weapons of the Universe, Parts 42 and 47. Shame, because in Part 47 there's a particularly impressive Andorian Stun Grenade that I wanted to read about.

Fredricks over on Shenandoah was raving on the InterShip ArmList about that phase rifle in Part 42 with multiple output beams. I'm not convinced but I can't argue properly until I've read the article in question. How can you target effectively without spending hours setting up? It's okay if the enemy courteously waits around for you to get ready, but hardly practicable, is it?

Fredricks is bound to be wrong. What can one expect from someone on a ship that spends all its time rescuing cats stuck up trees - metaphorically speaking of course.

And I'll miss the deadlines for the Readers' Competitions. Damn!

------------------

Back to the grindstone. This research is going to take me all my off-shift hours if I'm to get it done in time.

I won't have time to prepare a Phase 4. But I won't need one, will I? ::shudder:: I certainly hope not.

Now there's a thought. A back up plan. I will add a little 'sensor glitch' set to appear at the right time in case it goes over time. Nothing too elaborate or worrisome but sufficient that it will require my immediate attention to deal with it.

So Phases 1 to 3 plus back up. That should do the trick all told.

I hope.

I really hope so.

--------------------

END File Extract. And eat it.

A/N: Part 2 to follow...