Bittersweet

I really thought she loved me. All of those precious moments we spent together; the hours we spent chatting like best friends, the times she invited me into her home, the occasions she gave me lifts into school, that's not what teachers and students do. That's not just a professional relationship; it's so much more than that.

How can I deny the feeling?
Can't use the fuse that lights the spark
Don't think I'll hold out too much longer

I know I kissed her first but I'm sure it was just a matter of time before she kissed me. I've never felt like this before, the way I feel when I'm with her. I thought I loved Phillip, don't get me wrong he's a wonderful guy, but I'm sure it was never love. Jo makes me feel things I've never experienced before, like I'm the only woman in the world that matters.

Even when she's teaching the class, I can feel the connection between us and it's as if we're the only two in the room. I always raise my hand to answer questions, even sometimes when I'm not sure of the answer, just so I can talk to her and I can hear the way she says my name. I like to pretend I need help with my work just so she'll come over to me. When she leans over me I can feel her breathing, see her chest moving up and down; I just want to reach out and hold her in my arms. I'll never forget the times our bodies have touched; when I leant her my pen and our fingers brushed, when I was feeling down and she gently placed her hand on top of mine, when I've hugged her tightly and she's hugged me back. Her touch is the most amazing feeling in the world. I catch her eye, she flashes her beautiful smile, my heart does somersaults.

The lines are blurred in the dividing
I deserve light, I desire dark
Your influence is getting stronger

I understand that she's my tutor, in a position of authority and all that and it would be seen as "inappropriate" for her to have feelings for me. I don't care if it's inappropriate, I want inappropriate. I just can't comprehend it; if she doesn't feel something for me, why has been spending so much time with me? Why has she repeatedly gone beyond her call of duty to help me? Why has she cared so much about me getting into Cambridge University? Why has she let me love her?

Despite by mind, my body is still curious
So won't you show me all there is to know?

I feel so betrayed that she told on me to Miss Mason. I trusted her to keep our relationship private. I thought the bond we shared was worth more than that. It meant more to me anyway. If she had have kissed me first, even though it would have been against the rules, I never would have told anyone. I care about her too much to let her jeopardise her career, her life. That's why I confessed that I lied. I never meant for it to spiral out of control the way it did. I was just scared I'd be in trouble with my parents but I know that's no excuse. I feel awful for letting her be accused like that. If I'm honest I really didn't think the teachers would believe me but then when Mr Mead had a go and Jo was suspended, I felt sick to my stomach. I wouldn't blame her if she hates me now.

I know I shouldn't call
But something makes me crave the heat
Your love is bittersweet (so here I am)
The fire in your touch
I always find so hard to beat
Your love is bittersweet (so here I am)

I hate my dad for what he said. He seems disgusted that I have feelings for another woman, like it's illegal to be gay or something. He lives in the dark ages. I hate the way he shouted at Jo like that; he made her look so small in front of the whole school. I don't understand it, at parent's evening they all got on so well and it was lovely to see. Like taking your partner to meet your family for the first time. I wish they could be friends again now like they were then.

No substitute for real pleasure
You feed the need that lies in me
I've lost all sense to this devotion

Even though I'm sure the feeling between us is mutual and Jo does like me back, she's done nothing wrong. Other people, especially the teachers, don't see it that way as she's my tutor but I was the one who kissed her. That makes it my fault, not Jo's. I'm not a child and I wish people would stop treating me like one. I have a mind of my own, and that mind wants Jo.

I'm sure she would have kissed me and that it was just a matter of when but the main point is she didn't cross that line. I'm not saying she's innocent in all this but she didn't deserve to be punished by being suspended. That's my fault and I bet she hates me.

I'm so sorry. I need Jo to know I'm sorry.

One touch and there's a rush of electricity
So won't you show me all there is to know?

I shouldn't even be contemplating going to her house, it's probably against the rules anyway because of her suspension but I need to tell her that I'm sorry. I can't bear the thought of Jo Lipsett hating me. Just thinking that she hates me hurts so much.

I know I shouldn't call
But something makes me crave the heat
Your love is bittersweet (so here I am)
The fire in your touch
I always find so hard to beat
Your love is bittersweet (so here I am)

She's probably not interested in me at all now I've acted like a stupid little girl. She's told me how much she hates liars and yet I'm one of them now. I want, no I need, Jo to see that I'm not like that. Even though I lied, I'm still the same Ros McCain she knows, and hopefully loves. I have to make an effort to look my best so she can see that she hasn't made a mistake with me, I'm not a silly school girl, I'm an intelligent young woman. I've straightened my hair, smothered on the lip gloss and a put on a touch of mascara so she'll find me attractive again. I know she's not shallow and it's not looks that impress her so as I make the journey by foot to her house, I recite all the complementary French phrases I know. I hope she'll be impressed like she was before. I cross my fingers as I walk and pray that she won't hate me and she'll like me once again.

One touch and there's a rush of electricity
So won't you show me all there is to know?
Anytime you call my name

I'm standing on her doorstep. I know she's in because her car's in its usual space and I can faintly hear the radio in the kitchen. She's always got the radio on in the kitchen as she said she can't cook without it. Jo's pacing up and down the room, I can just about see her if I tip toe to look through the window, she looks so down. I can't believe I've made her that way. I have to make amends with her, it's the least I can do. So why can't I bring myself to ring the doorbell?