The War Against the Sue
Yana Mandrakallyn Beezlebub Kanda glided gracefully into the Great Hall. Her long naturally-lavender hair glittered like a wet, purple flower and her light purple eyes with purple pupils gazed at everyone in the Hall majestically.
Dumbledore watched her silently, a smile flickering on his face. McGonagall covered her face with her hands and sighed. Snape looked like he desperately wanted to use a very dangerous Unforgivable curse on a particular someone.
"Hello, everyone," Yana's voice was scarcely loud enough for everyone to hear her, "I'm an exchange student from Canada, hence my beauty and accent. I was transferred here from Poudlard, L'Ecole de Magie. We don't use wands there, so I haven't bought one. I won't be needing one. I will now be sorted."
She muttered "Accio Sorting Hat," and it flew into her long-fingered and long-taloned hands. She put it on her head.
"Well, well, well, here we seem to have a Mary Sue…" said the Sorting Hat out loud, "we don't have a house for those…I suppose I'll have to put you in…SPARKLYP—HUFFLEPUFF!"
The Hufflepuffs groaned so loudly that the sound was noisier than Gryffindor's cheering in Harry Potter's first year when they won the House Cup.
"OH MY GOD YOU DIRTY PIECE OF CLOTH! I KEEL YOU! I DON'T WANT TO BE IN HUFFLEPUFF I'M SUPPOSED TO BE IN GRYFFINDOR! YOU BITCH!"
The Hat disappeared and Yana was left to look slightly idiotic yelling at thin air, even more so than when she was yelling at a hat.
She instantly stopped, and gracefully walked past the Slytherin table, winking at Draco Malfoy.
"Did it just—did that Sue just—did I just—did it just WINK at me?" gasped Draco in horror. Pansy Parkinson patted Draco's shoulder.
"Don't worry about it, they'll get rid of it soon."
"So how do you reckon they'll finish this one off?" asked Harry.
"Oh, I think this one's for Professor Snape," said Hermione darkly.
"I think I want to sleep with her," sighed Ron as he gazed at the Sue.
Hermione snorted.
"I can make another flock of canaries, you know, Ron," said she.
Ron jumped.
"Watch it!" he said as he instinctively raised his arms in front of his freckled face.
Later that day, after a few hours of strutting and sucking up to hot males, Yana marched into the Potions classroom, followed by a handful of drooling boys. The Hufflepuffs and Ravenclaws took their seats in the room.
Snape glided into the room with a strut that was almost equal to Ya—"Crucio!"—AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH! sorry, Snape.
Snape walked into the room in a perfectly normal way, thank you very much, and surveyed the class until he saw Yana.
"Ah, our new…celebrity," snarled Snape, seeing the purple-haired female in heat surrounded by unneutered mutts.
He set the class to work on a Draught of Painful Death, which proved to be a rather difficult potion. Yana, of course, made hers the best in the class. All her classmates except for the still-drooling adolescents glared at her.
"Well, well, well," sneered Snape as he passed Yana's table. "So, Beelzebub—"
"It's BEEZLEBUB, you bastard!" shouted Yana. All of a sudden (and yet, not surprisingly), she burst into tears. Purple tears.
"I'm so sorry, Sev, it's just that…well, I was killed eleven years ago—"
"I wonder who did it, I need to write that person a declaration of love," said a bisexual girl in the class.
"—and well then I went to heaven. I lived there happily for two years of your time, and then I was thrown out, a fallen angel. My wings were ripped off. All because…well…I had a last name that sounded like that on the Devil. And now, since I was thrown back down here, I was really offended when people say my name wrong. Sorry Sev," concluded the S—Yana lamely.
Snape had his right hand in his pocket and it twitched, obviously itching to take out his wand.
Forcing a fatherly smile and a sweet voice, the Professor said, "Well then, Yana dear, I just wanted to say that your potion looks wonderful. Now, the Draught of Painful Death is a very deceiving potion. It may look correct, but we need a test subject to see if it's truly well done…"