By: FiendisHSerapH
Doko kara, Kioku-san? Doko da yo? Onegai... matte! Matte yo!
My memory's erased. It's like my mind is a reformatted hard drive: revamped of memory, removed of tracks.
Of whom? My mother, and my mother's smile.
Every night, I tortured my miniscule mind to remember it somehow; find it and let me have a good dream of it. But no, because it fled away... a memory I once treasured dearly now gone, faded away. Distant. Evanescent. Out of reach.
With that, I cried during my sleep. I cried and cried till my eyes ran out of the crystalline liquid to drop... I cried and sobbed until my eyes only had pools of blood to shed. Blood. Anger. Rebellion.
Revenge.
To whom , you ask? To the one who stole my dear mother's smile. The one who grabbed it away from me... the heart throb kid who took my place in front of my mom, and in one smile made her beam back... so sweetly.
At him... AT HIM! That smile should've been mine! My mom loved me, I know that. So, she should have reserved that smile for me... For me! For me, and not for that boy with flaxen hair and calm yet shining cobalt eyes.
Imonoyama Nokoru
Upon the thought and sound of his name, I can feel my blood boil. In disgust, in anger, in injustice, in fear...
In pain... for taking my beloved mom's smile away.
I hid my smile just so I could prove to her that I'm always there to protect her. There just to make proud of me. I hid my smile just to show her how strong I was... just to show her how willing I was to make her smile. Many times I wanted to smile back, but that would mean a breaking of a solemn promise.
I did almost everything to make her smile back at me.
But that Imonoyama kid! He smiled just once... just once! He smiled and my mom beamed back. He was more or less a stranger in her eyes, but she smiled? She granted her smile to te one who doesn't deserve to have it because he didn't work hard enough to earn it?
Doshite, oka-san? Doshite da yo?!
Weren't my struggles enough?
Where did I go wrong?
I did everything... almost everything...
Almost.
Or was there?
So far, my search hasn't been concluded. Not now; not yet. I was in a search of no conclusion, of seemingly no end.
May I ask, will this ever end? I just hope it will. Still.
I never wanted to hurt someone, especially those of no relation to my case, but since my anger's provoked... what am I left to do?
I was like searching in a dark abyss, and together with that search, I have to avenge the loss of my mother's smile.
Avenge to whom? Nokoru... Imonoyama Nokoru. The golden child of Clamp School.
To consider that you had been my friend while we were still children. It was so unkind of you to take my good dreams away.
How could you, Nokoru? How could you do this to me? How could you rob me of my beloved oka-san's smile?
I have no choice but to have my revenge. I heard the lines click. I saw your perplexed face on my monitor. I heard your trembling voice on my line...
Find me, Nokoru. Let's just see how you will... Find me while I search for my mother's smile through your loneliness.
I feel your presence darting towards me. How did...?
You found me in this outraging train. You stood there in front of me, your face even more worried than before. Have I succeeded in making you feel my loneliness? I looked at it, but I felt something strange.
Instead of being happy for you turned sad, I felt like I was going to cry.... cry more.... cry, falter and regret what I have done.
I never meant to cause you trouble but you're the one who caused it all. I just wanted you to pay... to return her smile to me.
Your search is over. Mine wasn't... yet.
You tried to rescue me, I who had been the cause of your sorrows, of your worries.
I who had caused a deep crack on your seemingly eternally happy face...
... the face that had stolen my mom's smile from me.
I held your hand tight, but in a moment I was tempted to let go. Let go, because of hatred, of anger, of disgust. I was tempted to kill you, to end you life once and for all... to erase your smile so that no more Yudaiji Idomu would experience the pain I've gone through. I was tempted to kill you, but no... doshite da yo?
I felt like when I let you go, that'll cause me more sadness. But... why would I be sad if you've done me wrong, if you're the main cause of my sadness?
Nokoru---? No---koru? NOKORU!!!!!!
I just let you slip away from my fingers. I was reaching out, having done nothing to grasp you back. Instead, I just let you pass away, your face trembling with fear, haunting me even when I shut my eyes tightly, haunting me for forever.
I'm a murderer. I let you pass away. I let you die.
Why did I?
It's over, 'ka-san. I killed someone out of my obsession for your smile. My search is over; it has ended early. My obsession caused lots of people to be sad for a loss of another smile, a smile so dear to them. I am a cold-blooded, heartless murderer. You won't smile if you've seen what I've done. I'd better die than see you frown at me, 'ka-san. I'd better end my life in this daredevil train...
"Arigato gozaimasu." the perpetually shining child casted his sweet yet toxic smile to the reserved lady.
'ka-san? 'ka-san? Do--doshite da yo?
"Such an adorable boy..." To the auburn-haired lad's surprise, she smiled lively.
Nokoru...
Nokoru-kun...
Noko... ru?
A hand, now bloody because of what it had gone through, was outstretched towards me, reckoning me to stand up.
"Daijoubu da yo."
Okay? I'm not okay!
I killed you... killed...?
But you were alve! You survived! And that hand... it's the same hand that had reached out to me when I was in pain when my own hand was bloody due to punching a tree branch excessively. That was the same hand...
The same hand that had reckoned me to a brighter day.
The same words stated to make me feel okay.
And... the same smile that had turned my skies blue from gray.
He's still smiling despite of his messed-up form, his bloodied hand, and the thousand depressions and worries I've caused him... wait...
"Idomu-chan... musuko..."
'Ka-san? 'Ka-san, was that you?
"Daijoubu da yo."
I'm okay... I'm okay... such an optimistic word for you to say, even though there's darkness that's eating us alive and we're in this train that could crash any minute from now.
Now I see. This concluded my search.
He smiled once more, and that ended it.
I found you at last...
All I have to do now it to catch you.
Almost everything except to...
My knees are shaking. My knees are trembling.
Nan'ka? My tears are falling down? I swore to myself that I won't cry again. I swore to myself that I'd be strong. I'd be strong, but my tears fell. Naze ka?
"Idomu-kun. That's my gift to you. Forgive me for everything wrong that I've done. Maido gomen nasai."
'Ka-san... My hands shivered. I felt him smile. Truly now, I can attest to the words that a smile can be felt strongly though you're sad, though you're far away.
Why can't I learn to do such?
Right. I did everything to search and see your sile.
"Musuko, sagashite hen da 'atashi...."
"... but you didn't try to smile back." His smile never evaded his being. If only I could do the same thing.
"Everyone has his own sweet smile, but it's up to him on how he'll use it." He proceeded, eyes dreaming up to the sunny skies.
It's been so long since I last smiled. I even doubted if I can do it well... and better than he does.
My eyes fixated back to your picture. Indeed, I have forgotten how to smile. I looked at him, and back to your smile. To it, the smile that stole you away from me.
"Musuko, sagashite hen da 'atashi..."
"My search if over." I finally muttered to myself, but it was also audible for him to hear. I handed him back your picture. I don't need it anymore. I'm reminded of your smile now, and now I know how to smile. My mind registered that feeling again.
It's like a program reinstalled in my mind.
"Idomu-kun," He muttered, "That's the most important thing for you. How come you're returning it to me?"
I yearned for another smile.... for another sunny smile...
Another sunny and heart-warming smile... from you.
"Nokoru-kun, do me a favor." I closed my eyes, complying and testing my suggested conclusion.
"Huh?" his ocean-blue eyes looked back. the sunny skies shone back to the two of us, sitting under a cypress tree, the place where he had proved himself to me.
"Smile for me." I proceeded after a moment of thinking.
That' request seemed weird." His cheeks turned upward. The sun casted patches of light on his rosy skin, patches produced by the cypress tree's foilage.
"I can do it anytime, as often as you want me to."
"My search is over, Nokoru-kun." For the first time after a long, long time, I smiled... warmly, returning his warm stare to him. Involuntarily, my hands landed on both sides of his, the charmer's, cheeks, making him face me just so I can see a closer and clearer view of his face, the face that had enthralled many people... including you... including me.
"Sagashite ga owari da, Nokoru-kun. I found the smile I've been looking for. It's not my mom's; it's just my reminder."
My quest is through.
The emptiness is gone;
The gray skies have turned blue.
I found the smile that's true...
For I've found you.
I have been too dumb. The one I've been searching for all along had been standing there right in front of me all along.
"Nokoru-kun, maido gomen nasai to arigatou gozaimasu."
He smiled back, now knowing how important it is to me.
"Nandemonai de wa."
"Sagashite ga owari da, oka-san..." I viewed the azure skies, the color as brilliant and gleeful as his eyes, and enjoyed the bird's happy chirps. After that, I set back my sight on his eyes and again felt the queer feeling I've been wanting to feel since a long, long time before.
-OWARI-
A/N: After a severe attack of writer's block, I decided to try my hands on an IdomuxNokoru fic. Pardon for the choppiness and the "abstract" ideas presented on this fic; his mind's abstract anyway. =) So, liked it or hated it? Please drop me a review~! I might make more chapters, but that time involving Nokoru's POV maybe, or even other characters' POVs, too. Reviews, minna! Till then and advanced thank you!
Meanings:
1.) Doko kara, Kioku-san? Doko da yo? Onegai... matte! Matte yo!
- Where are you, memory? (In this, Memory is personified) Where are you? Please... wait! Wait for me!
2.) Doshite, oka-san? Doshite da yo?! - Why, mother? Why?!
3.) Sagashite hen da 'atashi, Nokoru-kun... - Search for me, Nokoru.
4.) Arigato gozaimasu. - Thank you.
5.) Daijoubu da yo. - You'll be okay.
6.) Idomu-chan... musuko... - Idomu... son...
7.) Musuko, sagashite hen da 'atashi.... - Son, search for me...
8.) Maido gomen nasai - Repeated sorry.
9.) Nokoru-kun, maido gomen nasai to arigatou gozaimasu. - Nokoru, repeated sorry and thanks.
10.) Nandemonai de wa. - No problem./ No big deal.
11.) Sagashite ga owari da - The search is over.