The poor canon was so abused. It couldn't figure out why Ron and Hagrid were having butt sex in a dragon cave while a dragon jerked it and watched them. It also didn't know how a dragon cave got on Hogwarts property. Furthermore, it turns out the Dragon was Draco Malfoy, who had used Polyjuice potion to become a dragon so he could watch them. It also couldn't figure out why the Polyjuice potion turned Draco into a dragon with no problems, but made Hermione a half cat creature many years ago.
The canon had had enough! Canons have other uses, you know... Canons can shoot things! So, it rolled over to Ron and Hagrid and sucked them into it's barrel and shot them into the ocean where they couldn't cause anymore harm. He then did the same thing with Dragon Malfoy.
Then it rolled over to Hermione and Lord Voldemort. Voldemort had been turned from evil by Hermione's wonderful touch and was now working with Dumbledore to create a perfect world. Both of them got sucked into its barrel. Before it could fire, it heard Hermione yelling, "But it's a CANNON that can fire! Canon is an abstract concept! You don't even really exist!"
Like that mattered, thought the Canon.
And with that, it shot both of them into the ocean where they would stop disrupting everything. The canon looked around and saw the Malfoys engaging in a wild foursome with Arthur and Molly Weasley. Over in the corner of the grounds, someone named "Mary Sue Jones" was apparating. Furthermore, there was an orgy between the Slytherins and Hufflepuffs going on in Snape's dungeon. The canon realized it had a lot of work to do.
Seventeen hours later, the Canon had cleared up all the problems and Hogwarts was back to normal once again!
THE END.