Fandom: Death Note
Title: Born to Fall (Together)
Author/Artist: kiriga
Theme(s): #4a - Angels and Devils
Pairing/Characters: Mello/Matt (Mihael Keehl/Mail Jeevas)
Rating: PG-13
Warnings: spoilers for the ends of M&M, mentions of death
Disclaimer/claimer: Obha&Obata owns.
Summary: You think of him as a friend, even though it may not be noticeable, and he's your closest friend, your dearest friend, your oldest friend, your only friend.
Length: 1 196 words
Author's Notes: 'You' Mello. Eh, 'him'/'he'/etc Matty-boy
You feel guilty. You were the one who dragged him into everything, into what would be his death, and it was you, not him. You think of him as a friend, even though it may not be noticeable, and he's your closest friend, your dearest friend, your oldest friend, your only friend. There are rivals, idols, enemies, subordinates, people you don't care about, but there's never been a friend - except him. And it weren't even you who started this relation; it was him, always forcing himself upon you, annoying you to no end.
And you came to trust this annoying person, the self-proclaimed 'best friend' of yours, to always count on him being there at your side, to always be there when you needed him. It's selfish, and you know it, but you don't care, since you need him, need him so badly.
He's a pure person, such a truly pure being, so you don't really deserve him. But even though that, he still keeps by your side, at all times, sometimes at the cost of being your punching bag, and you always expect him to leave you alone after that, to be alone again, fully alone, but the next day he comes back with his goggles around his neck, cigarette in his mouth (even though he gets punished for it, he keeps smoking, keeps doing it, and he's so pure, even if he may not look the part) and the grin, the grin you think is pitying you, and therefore putting you down. He sits down on your bed and starts annoying you, and you couldn't feel happier, even though you suspect he just pities you, the one who doesn't have any real friends. It doesn't seem like that at first, but if you look close, it's so transparent, it's impossible to miss, impossible to hide, you are truly alone. So even though he pities you (but maybe, maybe, just maybe he don't?), he keeps by your side, and you don't deserve him.
So when L dies and you decide to leave, you also decide to leave him, to leave your only friend, the only one you care about, since L is dead. You have no purpose left there; you have gotten a new, a reason to hunt Kira down. You don't show it, but it hurts, it hurts, it hurts so badly when he tries to stop you, to make you stay, to make you wait for him so he can come too. In the end you have no choice, you lie, you hurt him, you say things you don't mean, and you can see the hurt he's feeling, and you hurt even more. But you succeed, you make him stay, he won't follow you out in the real world. Because if he did, then he wouldn't be able to keep being pure, being what he is, and you don't want to be the reason for that change. You haven't got anything to lose, you're not the slightest pure, so it's okay for you. But you don't want to lose him, to lose him and all he is. So you make him stay there, and decide you will make your way alone, without him, never seeing him again. And though it hurts, it's what you do, and when you walk away from there, you shed a tear, a single tear, and you don't look back or hesitate. You've made your choice, and now it's only to look forward, to the future without him.
So when you, after that explosion, that cursed explosion, wakes up from deep sleep and needed rest and finds him sleeping beside you, you feel sick. He's not supposed to be there, you weren't supposed to drag him into it, not that fight. You know there's a high possibility that you will die, damn it, the rest of the Mafioso is dead and you nearly blew yourself up as well. You don't want him to be there, but he is, and he refuses to leave, just like always, like you knew he would, but you still try. You did your best to make him stay at Wammy's, to make him pissed at you, to not make him want to know what you're doing, but he didn't do what you wanted. He's not only pure, he's stubborn, maybe even more than you, and he found you, just in time to give you the care you needed, and so you're hating him. He's too pure, too nice, and you've done things, things no human would do, you've killed humans, you've got a place waiting for you in Hell, and you don't want him to be stained by you, he's too good and you don't deserve him.
You give up without really trying, because you knew the second you saw his face that you had lost the battle, and so the only thing you can do, is to try and not soil him too much. You see he's still mostly the same as he was back then (the games in his hands, the goggles, the cigarettes, the grin), and you hate him for it, for going after you, because you will change him, and you hate yourself. But he gives you no choice, and you don't really want to fight, don't have the energy or strength to struggle, and so you curse him (but you curse yourself more). You already have an idea of how it will end for you, you're not stupid, and you believe (know) it will end in death for you, and you don't want him to end like you. But you also forget that he's not stupid either, because he figured it all out when he found you, and he has accepted that. Because you're friends, and he's your best friend, your oldest friend, your only friend, and you're his, and he's willing to die for you. And when you find that out, you hate him, you hate him, but you also love him like you never loved anyone, not even L, and you know you'd also be willing to die for him. So you make the plan the way so he'd be able to survive, so he'd keep living, because you wouldn't be able to bear the thought that he died because of you.
But nothing seems to go the way you want it to, because he is dead. He is dead, and it's your entire fault. Your plan didn't work, they shot him, and he's dead, and it's all your fault, all your fault, and you'll never see him again. You don't know it, but you will very, very soon join him, even though you already feel dead. Part of you is dead, and it's the most important part, the only part that really mattered, the only part you tried to protect, and he's dead, he's dead, your beloved friend is dead, and you know you're dead too. You're still living, but in reality, you're dead. And when you feel the heart attack beginning (you knew it, but you had to do it), you feel only grief, because he will be in Heaven, where he fits with the other angels, and you will be going to Hell, to the other devils.