Return to Swilly's
By Nikki Little
When Alice finally tossed out her old stale chocolate, it was getting close to the five-year anniversary of that date that we had made in Swilly's. Alice, the sentimental sort, suggested that we make a return trip just for old time's sake even if we weren't lovers anymore. The day of our date arrived, and Alice, leaving me standing in the hallway of her home in Pandemonium, went back into her bedroom to change. She told me that she had gotten two new dresses which no one had seen yet.
"I got two of these when I had a batch of my dresses let out. I didn't get them to wear in Wonderland. They're only for wearing uptop. I got them with a lower neckline so that I could wear a necklace. Hatter has given me two pocket-watch necklaces to wear with them. I can't really wear a necklace with my usual dresses because the necklaces would hang down on the cloth. That doesn't really look right." Alice twirled in front of me and leaned forward a bit to give me a glimpse down the front. "So what do you think, Cat?" she said. "Do I look presentable?"
Alice had cleavage again. If anything, she had even more cleavage than she had had when she went out to meet Hatter in the mushroom patch. Good grief! She had cleavage. I coughed a bit. Unlike Alice's usual dresses, this design was form-fitting to show off what she had. When it came to the cleavage, I suppose that was a good thing. It also made uncomfortably obvious to me just how wide the rest of her body had gotten. Her hips were once again flaring out just below her waist. Her butt stuck out. She had a thick roll again below the waist, and this dress did not have pleats to help hide it. Later, as we walked to Swilly's and I had to walk behind her because the sidewalk was narrow, I couldn't help noticing that her butt practically bounced as she walked. I realized that I agreed with Hatter. Alice was fat, but I would never tell her that.
"Wow!" I said as I looked her up and down. I was indeed impressed. Also confused. Alice had curves that were positively intoxicating. I was practically dizzy just looking at her. The forbidden question of the world above popped into my head: "Can a fat girl be attractive?" Alice was fat. She wasn't gross or huge, but she was big enough that most people would call her fat. She turned slightly, and I noticed that she had love handles spilling out over the waist of her dress at the sides. Her waistband was the same sash with a bow-tie in the back that her other dresses used. This sash, however, was thinner which allowed the dress to hug her body closer. "Do you really want to wear that uptop?" I asked. "It's more revealing than what you usually wear."
"Of course I want to wear it," Alice said. "I want to show off what I've got while I've got it. I remember the last time I was around this size that I was kicking myself after I lost weight because all my glorious curves deflated. With all the chocolate gone in Wonderland, I doubt if I'll look like this for long."
"Alice, have you looked at yourself in a full-length mirror wearing this dress?" I stepped backwards a bit as I was just a bit worried that she would take the question as an insult.
"I saw myself in a full-length mirror in Hatter's castle when I got the pocket-watch necklaces. Hatter measured the length of the chain to be just right for this dress. There are full-length mirrors all throughout Hatter's castle. He's quite the dandy and likes to have them available to adjust everything to be just right. He's always adjusting the tilt of his hat."
"Did you like what you saw in the mirrors?"
"I know where this is going, Cat. Yes, for the most part, I liked what I saw in the mirrors for the same reason I liked what I saw in the mirrors the last time I was around this size. For a girl who grew up flat-chested and scrawny, this is kind of like a fantasy come true. Although not entirely. I was a bit shocked when I saw myself full-length in Hatter's mirrors. I didn't realize that I was this big. I love the curves, but Hatter's right about me. I'm not going to argue with anyone about that. When I look in the mirror, I see a fat chick. Nice curves, but a fat chick. There are drawbacks to everything, Cat. The only time that I have curves that make me feel feminine and sexy is when I'm fat. So be it. Are you willing to be seen with me in the world above?. Are you willing to be seen with a woman who is five feet tall and weighs 158 pounds?"
I blinked. Alice told me that she had weighed herself in Hatter's castle right in front of him. He nearly fainted. I looked Alice up and down. She had a cello shape that reminded me of the television star Sara Rue at her heaviest. There is no way I'd ever turn down a date with Alice. "Alice, I'd be seen with you uptop even if you weighed 200 pounds." I meant it. I sure hope it never happens though. I hated to admit to myself that I thought she was breathtaking. I didn't really want to admit to myself that I could consider a fat human girl attractive.
I, myself, was wearing a Puss-in-Boots outfit straight from the Shrek movies. I figured that I could get away with wearing such an outlandish outfit because the last time no one noticed a lynx walking upright in a crosswalk. The drivers in the cars were all distracted by various technological devices. I do believe that even an elephant could have sauntered across the crosswalk and no one would have noticed. Standing next to Alice, I realized that I would be quite the ugly duckling, but then, it was never my looks which turned Alice on. It was my roguish personality and voice. Alice claims I sound just like the first actor to play James Bond. She used to have a running gag when we made out in the mushroom patch. She would echo a common line from early Bond movies and screech "Oh Cheshire!" when she was about to, ummm, you know. Damn she was noisy when we made out.
Alice opened a portal to the same creek-bed next to the Asylum that we had used the previous time we had gone to Swilly's. We walked on the grass to the sidewalk and followed the same route. The same as the last time, nearly everyone we saw on the sidewalk had their ears glued to a cellphone. New this time was that everyone seemed to be carrying laptop bags slung over their shoulders. Even men walked around with these bags slung over their shoulders completely unconcerned with the possible accusation that they were carrying a "purse." You would think that someone would notice a lynx walking upright and wearing a Puss-in-Boots outfit. No one gave me a second glance. Everyone was absorbed in inane conversations about utterly mundane things. It was as if every person in the world uptop was now compelled to give a running commentary on their real-time activities via cellphone to anyone who was apparently so lacking in interesting things to do that they would actually listen. Even the occasional soul without a cellphone walked by lost in his own little world. This time I noticed people pushing shopping carts along the sidewalk with what looked like personal belongings in the carts rather than groceries. I had noticed one or two of these on the previous trip, but now they seemed to be commonplace. Lacking a cellphone, they all seemed to mutter constantly to no one in particular. Alice and I crossed the street at the crosswalk, and none of the drivers so much as blinked at the sight of Puss-in-Boots walking upright in front of them.
As we walked up to the door of the restaurant, we noticed two heavily-bearded unkempt men sitting near the doorway with tin cans and a sign in front of them. Patrons coming and going ignored them as if they were invisible. I warned Alice that we didn't have that much money with us and that if she wanted to toss anything in their tin cans, we should wait until after we had paid for our meals. As before, Alice went to the counter and ordered for both of us. This time she bought four fish sandwiches, one order of french fries, and two cups of unsweetened iced tea. She had actually remembered to ask for the unsweetened. She placed the one order of french fries in front of me. "None for you?" I asked. Alice stood up and patted her right hip. "I don't think I need them. Not this time." She was smiling when she said it. She left unspoken her obvious implication that I definitely did need the french fries. I looked around the restaurant and noticed that everyone was bent over laptop computers and a new, small type of laptop known as a netbook. The netbooks looked like toys to me. I heard a sudden exclamation of dismay behind me and turned around to see some college boy holding up an expensive-looking Apple laptop with a coke draining out of its keyboard. That was probably the end of that laptop. For the life of me, I'll never understand why people insist on placing a one-dollar drink next to a very expensive laptop computer.
We unwrapped our fish sandwiches and got a surprise. This time the sandwiches were not dripping with grease. Alice gave me an incredulous look. "Cat, do you think it's possible that Swilly's food has actually improved?" Alice took a bite and commented, "The fish is actually edible this time." She lifted the bun to show that the deep-fried, breaded squares of fish were still smothered in a thick layer of tartar sauce the same as last time. She shrugged and ate the fish sandwiches without bothering to scrape off any of the tartar sauce. "You remember that I got sick the last time we were here," Alice said.
"How could I forget? The restaurant manager spotted your bowie knife and called in a SWAT Team. He thought we were terrorists."
"You'll notice that I didn't bring my bowie knife with me this time, Cat. Maybe this time we'll be able to finish undisturbed. I don't think I'm going to puke this time."
"I just remembered what we were talking about the last time we were here," I mentioned. Alice met my eyes, smiled, and stood up beside the table.
"So what do you think, Cat? Mission accomplished? Is this what you were expecting? Or hoping for?" Alice turned slowly for me.
"You screamed when you were in the tailor's getting measured. It seems you've recovered from your shock."
"I knew that I had gained some weight, but I thought that I had only gone up one dress size. When she measured me, I just couldn't believe it. I walked over to a scales that she keeps in the corner. You know that gnome scales only go up to 150 pounds. I stepped on the scales and it blew apart. That's when I screamed. I'm okay, though, now. I'm happy to have back the curves I had when I went out to meet Hatter in the mushroom patch. Really, I am. Would I be wearing an outfit as clingy and form-fitting as this if I weren't?"
I'm sure that I looked a bit guilty. I had told her back then that I had been trying to fatten her up a bit for years. I had only meant to bring her up to a healthy, normal looking weight. Maybe from 100 to 120. Not from 100 to 158. Of course I felt guilty. Deep down inside, I thought that I had turned a skinny girl into a fat chick.
Alice could read my mind. "Don't beat yourself up, Cat. I'm happy." Alice leaned forward giving me a glimpse of the eye-popping cleavage she had acquired. Her pocket-watch necklace fell forward from its nest. "Look, Cat. They're back. My glorious pair of Cs are back. Look around you, Cat. No need to feel guilty. I'm actually the skinniest woman in this restaurant right now."
I looked around and, to my amazement, Alice was indeed the skinniest woman in the restaurant. She was the only woman in the restaurant who looked healthy. All the other women in the restaurant had enormous waistlines and appeared to be well over 200 pounds. None of them had the slightest hint of a shape. As I mentioned before, Alice reminded me of a cello. In a restaurant full of shapeless blob women, Alice looked downright glamorous - like an old-time movie star. She wasn't even wearing makeup. She didn't need it. The men in the restaurant looked just as awful as the women. Beer bellies everywhere. Several people in the restaurant appeared to be over 300 pounds, and there was an enormous blob in a booth in the corner with a wheel chair next to him. He had been wheeled in by his 300-pound wife, it appeared. "We've got to bring Hatter in here, sometime," I said. "He'll never call you 'fat' again after seeing what's in here!"
Alice got up and dumped our trays leaving only our glasses of iced tea on the table. I admit that I enjoyed the view as she walked away. I should also mention that Alice looks really good in white. Definitely her color. I gazed rapt as she returned to our table. The heart-shaped face and angelic chubby cheeks. That cute swath of freckles across her nose. The sensual sway of her flaring, well-cushioned hips. She almost made me wish I weren't a cat. Then I remembered that thing that humans call "work." Ah! Alice! Sweet Alice! Why couldn't you have been a lynx?
Alice sat back down at our table and leaned forward to drink from her cup of iced tea. I'm sure that it wasn't intentional, but Alice had just given me a close-up view of the Grand Canyon. I thought of melons and mountain ranges, grapefruit and water balloons. I just couldn't take it. I jumped up to go into the bathroom, and the door to the men's bathroom was locked. I couldn't wait. The bathrooms were those small types for one person at a time that locked. I looked around and saw that no one was paying any attention. I dashed into the women's restroom and locked the door. I didn't make it. I no sooner got my pants down than I exploded all over the light fixture overhead and then on the bathroom mirror. I'm sure I nailed the sink, too. I cleaned myself up as best I could and hurried back to our table. "Alice, we've got to leave," I said. I looked back at the restrooms and noticed that a woman was on her way toward them. "Alice, we've got to leave now!" I grabbed Alice's arm. We left the cups of tea on the table.
"What did you do, Cat?" The woman screamed from inside the bathroom. A manager hurried toward the scream.
"I made a mess in the bathroom. Run!" We scurried out the door and Alice tossed what was left of our money to the two veterans with cans and signs in front of them. I was impressed that she remembered them while we made our hasty exit. "You kept flashing your cleavage in my face and I just couldn't hold it anymore. The men's bathroom was locked and I went into the women's bathroom. I exploded all over the light fixtures, the mirror, the sink, pretty much everywhere. It was hanging down from the overhead light and off the mirror like ectoplasm from a Ghostbusters movie."
Alice opened a portal right there in the middle of the crosswalk and shoved me through. Right before I passed through, I turned around to witness the two veterans splitting up the money that Alice had tossed evenly. A tiny bit of civilization in an uncivilized country. One looked up at Alice and me with silent thanks on his face. The only one to make eye contact during our entire trip. The portal did not phase him. Perhaps he knew who we were? We arrived at the bar in the gnome village. Alice was laughing hysterically. "Do I really have that effect on you, Cat? I wasn't flashing intentionally. I'm just not used to this dress." I looked around and all the gnome men were staring at Alice with their mouths hanging open.
"Alice, you need to go home and change your dress." Alice pursed her lips and made a funny look. Oops.
Alice opened another portal and off we went to her house in Pandemonium. I waited outside her bedroom door while she changed into one of her usual dresses. She invited me in. Alice's face changed expression as if she had just changed her mind about something. "Want to go shopping with me?" she asked. When Alice says shopping, it usually means stealing in the world uptop. Alice got out her looking glass and flashed us both. She opened a portal into the Wal-Mart just behind the Asylum. The portal stayed open. She grabbed several boxes of Lindt chocolate off the top shelf and loaded me up. She took several boxes for herself. We dashed back through the portal before even eight seconds had passed. We dumped our loot on Alice's bed, and she carefully cut one box open with her bowie knife. Lindt chocolate. Each box contained twenty 3.5-ounce bars. "I haven't had chocolate in a week, and I've decided not to give up chocolate. I love chocolate. I love my body just as it is right now. Get used to me looking like this, Cat. I regretted losing weight the last time. Seeing my boobs and butt deflate was like watching a horror movie in slow motion. I'm not losing weight again." Alice ripped open one of the Lindt bars and gobbled it with what looked like sexual ecstasy. She moaned and panted in-between bites. According to Alice, the Lindt wasn't quite as good as the Valrhona, but it came very close, and it was a lot easier to find. Needless to say, I couldn't verify this. Chocolate is poisonous to cats. Google it if you don't believe me.
Alice meant it about not giving up chocolate. She found a whole series of Wal-Mart warehouses that were deserted at night, and began stealing Lindt from them on a regular basis. She only took a few boxes each time. No more stale chocolate for Alice! I can tell you that Alice never did lose any weight, but she didn't gain any more either. I was thankful for that. For the next few weeks, it seemed that Alice took great delight in flaunting her size in front of Hatter and eating chocolate bars in front of him. She made a great show of licking chocolate off her fingers in front of him. It was downright erotic how she licked that stuff off her fingers. She even had Mr. White paint a nude portrait of her in the classic "Odalisque" pose and gave it to Hatter, who promptly turned pale, imagining, no doubt, the reaction his wife would have to the portrait. Arianne got the portrait, and put it up where her old nude of Alice was hanging. The old nude went into the house's storage closet.
Every year thereafter, at about the same time, the gnome elder would wind up in Hatter's medical clinic with pulled muscles and torn ligaments. Rumor has it that it was always on his birthday. About once a month Alice would break a vine in Wonderland Woods. Fortunately her parachute dresses still worked the same as always. Eventually the great quantity of broken vines on the floor of the woods became a source of endless jokes, but Alice was happy and ignored the wisecracks. We all got used to Alice's more fleshed-out appearance except for Hatter. Most of us even liked it - especially Arianne and me. Arianne liked her softness, and all that jiggling was a real turn-on to me. I could barely look at her without blowing a gasket. I came to the conclusion that Hatter was nuts. I agreed with him that Alice was fat. So what? She was breathtaking. I asked Hatter why being fat automatically made a girl unattractive. He had no answer.
A few years later Alice's foresight became apparent. Sarah's gung-ho method of attacking killer mushrooms by leaping up on top of them while brandishing a machete over her head finally got her eaten. After slaying one mushroom, she got a little too close to another one while dragging the dead one, and it sucked her in. Swoosh! No more Sarah. No more sex for Hatter, either. Hatter went bonkers again. So predictable. This time he chased gnome housewives around in the gnome village. Well, at least he had the sense to leave the White Queen alone this time. Caterpillar did his usual of calling in the old guerilla war council - excluding Hatter - and had the White Knight hold up a pair of straws in front of Alice and Arianne again. The White Knight rolled his eyes, but did his duty. Well, by this time, Arianne had gotten nearly as big as Alice and she broke out laughing. "Hatter won't fuck us - we're too fat!" Alice and Arianne walked out together with tears of laughter rolling down their faces leaving the clueless Caterpillar wondering what to do next. Everybody - except Caterpillar - knew that Hatter regarded Alice and Arianne both as unfuckable blimps. They weren't, of course, but Hatter thought so. Alice and Arianne went uptop to search for another floozy who was desperate to get away, and they found one. Plucked her right out of a Los Angeles prison where she had been locked away again for getting drunk. If she hadn't been a celebrity, she probably wouldn't have been bothered. It was all quite ridiculous, and she was desperate for an exit. To make matters even better, she was a skinny, red-haired, freckle-faced waif who looked a lot like skinny little Alice when she arrived in Wonderland. Alice arranged matters with the gnome priest and had her tailor make a wedding dress for the floozy.
"Do you, Hatter, take this woman to be your bride for as long as you both shall live, or until she gets eaten by a killer mushroom?"
"I do."
"Do you - stand up straight you little drunk - Lindsay Lohan..."
The End
This story is based on the characters created by American McGee. EA (Electronic Arts) holds the copyrights.
Chocolate really is poisonous to cats. Keep chocolate of any kind out of reach of cats. It's poisonous to dogs, too.