Author's Note: This is just a little oneshot, which I'd like to dedicate to my Suzaku out there. You know you who are, and I miss you. Cheer up, and it's okay to smile. Also, thanks to anja-chan as usual for betaing.
It's Okay
Suzaku put his fingers up to his lips, still stunned. As if he could still feel the gentle brush of those lips against his. As if by sliding his fingers along, he could either erase or preserve forever the memory.
"Lighten up, Suzaku. It's okay to smile every now and then."
As if life were some kind of game. He glanced down, looking at the sink instead of his reflection. He turned the water on. It wasn't his place to be so carefree, to have so little matter, to feel so damned happy all the time.
"You're always such a dark cloud, you know."
He turned the water on harder, hoping that the sound of the rushing faucet would drown out the voice that echoed in his memories. What kind of conversation had that even been, anyway? It had started out the same as usual… but had it even been a conversation in the first place?
Suzaku was quite used to being talked at, rather than talked to. He wasn't as silent as Anya, of course, but still… he wasn't a Knight of Rounds to make friends. He wasn't serving Britannia simply to pilot a Knightmare Frame, or to become some kind of celebrity. It wasn't a popularity contest. He only wanted His Majesty to recognize his skills, and then he would become Knight of One, taking Area 11 and restoring dignity to the Japanese people.
And he'd do it without Zero's help, in spite of Zero's tactics. And he'd make someone important to him proud of him, as she watched over him from whatever Heaven she now occupied.
"Don't you think you could loosen up? It's not like we're the armies of Hell, Suzaku."
He put his palm into the running water, and splashed some onto his face, leaning towards the sink. His wet bangs stuck to his forehead, the ends tickling his eyelashes. He brushed the hair aside, rubbing his face vigorously. But he caught sight of himself in the mirror, his bright green eyes, his reddened cheeks, the drops of water running from his hair down his cheeks…
His lips, so recently touched by another….
"Someone like you should be more aware of the effect you have on others… or, wait, is that why you don't ever smile?"
He shook his head furiously, spattering the mirror with crystalline drops, each reflecting a smaller, slightly twisted version of the Knight of Seven. He spun the knob and the water stopped. He grabbed a towel. He shouldn't waste so much time in the bathroom, contemplating things that were, in all likelihood, just a prank by someone who didn't know the emotional difference between bloody murder and a child's birthday party.
Everything was a game to him. And yet…
"If you dwell on it, Suzaku, you'll only be disappointed in yourself."
What were the things he said even supposed to mean? He shut the door behind him harder than necessary. Disappointed in himself? He stifled a sarcastic laugh. It was too late for something like that. By so much.
There was so much that someone like Gino Weinberg could never understand. Even if he occasionally said something that almost sounded like it made sense, he was still so stubbornly cheerful. So idiotically energetic. The man was so damn genki that it sometimes hurt to just look at him.
"It's partly your fault I have to be happy enough for three people. It gets more tiring than you realize. Then again, I'm having the most fun here, so I'm not complaining."
Suzaku walked across the dark room, not bothering to turn on the lights. The curtains had stayed drawn since the morning, and he hadn't bothered to turn on the lights when he had returned after his encounter with the Knight of Three. When had the other Knight even decided they were friends, anyway?
Before he had known it, Gino had been clinging to him, dragging him along to watch movies, build pillow forts, spy on maids, and generally act like a spoiled four-year-old. What went on underneath that pile of blond hair, anyway?
"The only thing you really get to choose, Suzaku, is the way you live your life."
How could he say such things, with such a cheerful smile, with such a casually raised eyebrow? How could he cause hundreds of innocent lives of collateral damage on one day, and then on the next, force Suzaku to help him raid the kitchen for a wedge of cheese and a bottle of wine? How could he picnic in the gardens, sneaking behind a hedge and a crowd of noble tourists, and then expect Suzaku and Anya to play along while he made up a fantastic story about the three of them being alien explorers, documenting the life they found on Earth? It was all too ridiculous to take seriously! It was all too much, and all too playful and cheerful for the so aptly-named storm cloud that was Suzaku Kururugi.
He fell face-first onto his bed, neatly made by one of the serving staff, some nameless girl who was undoubtedly imported from a foreign area. There were some things that someone like Gino couldn't possibly understand, or care about. He had never been abused by members of his own regiment, had never been betrayed by his best friend, had never had to make the kinds of horrible decisions Suzaku had made. For all he knew, Gino was on the best of terms with his affluent and powerful family, well-liked by every member of the Britannian army (or at least oblivious to any dislike he might have encountered), and free from any kind of regrets or hard decisions.
It was obvious that someone like Gino had never considered how to end his life.
"It may sound corny, but I'm glad you're here, Suzaku."
He rolled over, staring up at the dark ceiling. Everything that boy said sounded corny, and if his words didn't sound like something from a poorly written teen movie, they sounded like the kind of cheesy, strangely sincere things a small child might say.
That way of thinking, that way of being so honest and sincere, that childlike innocence… it didn't belong here. Not among the Knights of Rounds, and certainly not in Suzaku. He had killed his own innocence when he had killed his father. He had made his choice shortly after his tenth birthday. His path was clear. There was only one way to atone, one way to pay for his guilt, and that was with his own life, given in service to Britannia.
He didn't deserve happiness.
"Everyone deserves to be happy."
Suzaku didn't even deserve to keep living, and it was a chore to do so.
"You should at least try to find a little silver lining under your dark cloud."
It had been ages since Suzaku had seen a ray of hope, and he didn't bother looking anymore. He wasn't sure what hope would even mean in his situation.
"It's not like it's impossible for you to smile, you know. People do it all the time. It doesn't even hurt!"
There was no reason to show a smile, especially if it only were to appease an oblivious, carefree, ignorant idiot like Gino Weinberg. Living itself was pain enough, reason enough to stop pretending he was happy.
"If you don't cheer up, Suzaku, I'll have to take matters into my own hands, you know."
There was no way that someone like that could even understand why Suzaku was the way he was, and it was unthinkable that he could have a clue as to how to rescue him. Not that he even deserved—or wanted—rescuing.
"I'm warning you, Kururugi. This is your last chance to show me a smile of your own free will. If you don't, you leave me no choice but to hunt you down periodically to give you smiles. I do, after all, have plenty to spare."
Suzaku didn't want Gino's help. He didn't need it, didn't deserve it, and if Gino really wanted to help him, he'd just leave him alone. It wasn't fair. None of it was fair, and Gino still lived in a fantasy realm where the world was still kind. Undoubtedly the Easter Bunny lived there, and handed out brightly-colored eggs under a sunny, cloudless sky.
Suzaku stood suddenly, and walked to the window, tucked away by the heavy, dark curtains. It had been raining and overcast for days, and yet, he hesitated. The world out there, the one he shut himself off from because it always hurt him and pushed him to hurt it back… it was likely the same dark place it had been when he had closed the curtains. He waited, his hand outstretched towards the fabric. There were many things that someone like Gino Weinberg couldn't understand.
"You don't have to be happy all the time, Suzaku. No one—not even me—can do that. But being happy, and smiling at least some of the time, well… that's something that no one can really live without. And I've been hoping to see you live."
His eyes stung when he flung the curtains open, and bright sunlight crashed through the glass from a cloudless, heavenly sky. On the green lawn below, a tall blond figure was spinning a girl in pink around in a circle, her small form flung out horizontally as she clasped hands with the blond.
He peered down at Gino's face, mouth open with laughter and pure happiness. Even Anya, normally so reserved, was enjoying herself as Gino swung her to her feet and they both collapsed on the grass in dizziness. It was… nice… to just watch them.
For the first time in a long time, Suzaku felt the tug of emotion on his lips. Those lips so recently touched, so recently made to feel, and so recently brought back to life. Unbidden, his fingers raised to trace the slight smile.
"You've run out of time, Kururugi. You know there's only one way to pass of smiles on someone else, right?"
Suzaku hadn't known.
It had been a surprise when Gino had place his hand on Suzaku's cheek, when he had leaned in with that mischievous sparkle in his blue eyes. Suzaku had been stunned into silence, into stillness, when Gino had pulled his chin upwards, and their eyes had met so perfectly. Gino had smiled so effortlessly.
The words were still echoing in his mind.
"Lighten up, Suzaku. It's okay to smile every now and then."
Please review! I'm not used to doing such short and rather meaningful stories, so I'd appreciate some feedback. Thank you!