I don't own TMNT.
Well, I'd planned this one-shot to be about two pages long. Now, it's ten.
"Excellent job Leonardo," Splinter commented as he watched his eldest perform an advanced kata in half the time it had taken him to master it.
A growl in their direction did not surprise any of the turtles in the room or the single rat ninja master. Mikey busied himself by burying his nose in one of his many comic books, Don scooped up a screwdriver and focused his attention on what remained of their DVD player in front of him, Leonardo focused on his movements then Splinter said he would retire to his room for the night and that they would practice an hour earlier the next morning. Three groans echoed out and were followed by the closing of a door.
Leo closed his eyes and fell back into his previous kata, he was determined to perfect it before morning. He knew with each kata he learned he would become stronger. The sooner he could become a ninja master the sooner he had more time for other things. His mind went to his little brothers. He didn't want to miss a moment with his family but he had such a long path to travel. He was determined to complete his training as soon as he could. He admitted there were definitely many obstacles holding him back. When another growl echoed through the room his mind immediately went to his immediate younger brother.
Leo opened his eyes and met Raph's gaze, an internal fire burning in the hothead's eyes.
"Sucking up to Splinter like you always do," he muttered.
"Raphael, I'm not. I'm simply-"
"Showing off and making us look bad!"
"Raph I don't want to fight!"
"Oh yeah," Raph drew his sais, well he was ready for a fight.
"Must you two always be at each other's throats?" Don murmured.
Leo breathed heavily as a wound on his shoulder was bandaged by his purple masked brother.
"Raph's going to be kicking himself all night," Don said as he finished the bandaging and then turned to put the medical supplies away.
"As long as he comes home," Leo murmured.
"I just don't understand it Leo. It's one of the few problems I've never been able to solve."
"What?" Leo asked.
Don sighed, "One minute you two can be ready to tear each other's heads off but if we suddenly get pulled into a battle you two are like twins."
"What are you talking about?"
"If you two argue when we're topside and then we suddenly get into a battle you two get more than over protective, you guys get over possessive. If anyone dares to hurt Raph you'll slice them into ribbons in seconds and if anyone goes to hurt you Raph will decapitate them with no hesitation. I just don't get it!"
"Do we really act like that?"
"Uh, duh dude," Michelangelo said from the doorway, "It's the same thing every time."
Leo shook his head and climbed to his feet, "We better get to bed," he said and ended the conversation as he walked out the door.
The younger turtles sighed and headed to their rooms as well, knowing all would be well the next morning, it always was.
Leo glanced at the door and slightly moved his fingers. He would be in a sling for three days and then the wound wouldn't heal for another two weeks! He was going to go insane! Furthermore, his sensei had forbid him to practice for a whole week. With a groan he pushed himself off the wall and walked towards the room. His younger brother had yet to return home so Leo could duck in and get out without him knowing. No, it wasn't right!
The leader battled with his thoughts. After ten minutes he decided he'd go in, see what he could discover, get out and then tell Raph if he needed to. With that thought he ducked into his little brother's room. There was what he expected, weights that his younger brother used to build up his impressive strength and a punching bag in the corner that had truly seen much better days. His hammock hung still in the air and the floor was littered with a few old magazines and random sports equipment. An old flat basketball lay slumped in the corner where a baseball bat was leaning against the wall. The room seemed empty of life for it was mostly bare. Empty walls seemed only to stare at the floor. Truly the only thing to look at.
With a sigh Leo made his way to the hammock and sat down. He had tried sleeping in a hammock before but he preferred his futon, he was more comfortable closer to the ground. He stared at the room, trying to pull answers from it. Why? Why did Raph despise him? He knew his brother didn't hate him, Raphael had long ago proved it. The blue masked turtle could still remember when he had been ambushed and the fact that Raph had been the first one to return to him that night. The night was one of great physical pain but the presence of his family had made the pain bearable. He almost gave up many times. One of those times was during the early morning. 2:00am if he remembered correctly.
Raph knelt by his older brother's side as the blue masked turtle coughed. The red masked turtle helped his brother sit up and lean over. He trembled as he saw blood splatter onto the floor.
"Bro?" he asked in an uneasy voice.
"I'm…ok," Leo said as he breathed deeply and harshly, his chest felt like it would snap in two!
"Leo?" Raph whispered as his brother fell back onto the pillow.
"Yes, Raphael?" he asked with the same deep breaths.
Raph raised a hand and placed it on Leo's shoulder before letting his face fall forward. He took three deep breaths of his own as his forehead rested against his older brother's plastron.
"What is it?" Leo inquired further.
Raph turned his head to face his brother, letting his cheek rest against Leo's plastron. Leo gasped to find tears in his little brother's eyes.
"Raph, are you ok?" he asked worriedly, ready to go into a panic attack.
Raph didn't bother to hold back his tears, since no one else was around. He let them fall, he wanted his brother to know how it had hurt, seeing him crashing through that window, his skin torn and bloody. For too long, he didn't have a big brother.
"I was scared bro," he murmured.
"You were scared?" Leo asked in astonishment, "You're never scared of anything."
Raph gave a short laugh, "You got it backwards bro. You're the fearless one, not me."
"I'm not fearless," Leo insisted.
Raph made no comment. He closed his eyes and then moved. Leo thought he was going to leave and go back to bed but his breath left him when Raph moved closer and hugged him.
"I'm sorry Leo," Raph said, his voice cracking momentarily with emotion.
Leo wrapped his one good arm around Raph and pulled him close, his big brother instincts kicking in. When his shoulder grew damp with tears he turned his head and tucked Raph's head under his chin.
"Sorry for what?" Leo asked.
Raph turned his head the slightest bit to answer, "We knew you had been gone too long. I should've gone after you."
"Raph, you had no idea what happened to me. Don't feel guilty."
"Ok," Raph murmured before turning his head again to press his face into Leo's neck.
Although Leo knew Raph hadn't truly forgiven himself he decided he'd just have to take what he got.
"Leo?" Raph murmured against his shoulder, expecting Leo to be annoyed.
"Yes Raph?"
"Can I stay?"
Leo let a smile cross his face, "Of course."
Raph almost spoke again but Leo answered the unspoken question, "I'll wake you if any of them wake up."
Raph smiled and pulled away. Leo shifted as far back as he could and raised his arm. The younger turtle climbed onto the couch and snuggled into his older brother's side. Leo wrapped his arm around his shoulders, pulled him as close as possible since there wasn't much room and sighed happily.
"Thanks, for bringing me back," Leo said, "I love you, little brother."
Raph didn't hesitate, "I love you too, big brother. Never think any different."
Leo smiled at the memory and took a deep breath. He leaned back and let his one good arm fall outward. It landed against the small pillow on the hammock. Leo let his hand fall off the pillow in surprise. He pulled it away and was shocked to find that there was a book underneath it. Curiosity peeked, he reached for it and held it up to the light.
Thoughts
He opened to the first page and nearly dropped the book. No way…his hit-now-ask-questions-later hotheaded little brother kept a journal? He almost closed the book instantly when a loose page fell out. The blue masked turtle picked it up and was about to slip it back into the journal when he realized that the paper was different then the paper in the journal. It was much older and it looked ready to almost fall apart. He would've slipped it right back in if his eyes hadn't quickly noticed how his name had been written countless times on it.
I don't know why I can't do it. You see, something big happened today. I was playing follow the leader with Leo and he followed me to an abandoned tunnel. He, of course, told me not to go in but I did anyways. What I ran into was a giant white crocodile! It nearly ate me up but Leo saved me! The jaws were like two inches from my head when Leo jumped in and pushed me out of the way. It kind of scares me now, what if he had just pushed me out of the way and stayed there? Ok, that's too scary. I don't want to think about that. Anyways, I tried to beat it but got cornered. It's would've eaten me alive it my amazing big brother hadn't jumped in. Leo literally jumped on his head and pushed what he called a pressure point. The crocodile fell asleep then and Leo only smiled when I asked what he did.
He smiled, dusted his hands, and then walked over to help me up as he explained. My big brother can do anything! Leo's so cool. Well, why I'm sitting here in my room is because we were just coming out of the tunnel when Master Splinter showed up. We've both been grounded but our father wanted to speak with Leo privately. I don't know what happened but now Leo's locked himself in his room and nothing can make him come out. I don't know what my father said, but he went too far, especially since it was my fault.
Leo hummed for a long second. He could remember that night. If he remembered correctly it was Raphael that eventually persuaded him to unlock the door. The leader remembered the look on his father's face. Yes, his words had upset him greatly, but now he understood them. Life was so precious and so fragile. Leo shook his head and pushed the memory from his mind. What happened to them?
He slipped the page back in font of the book and then looked between the door and the journal. He really shouldn't. Yes, he was quite shocked that his hotheaded little brother kept a journal but it just seemed wrong. He had no right to read Raph's personal thoughts. The sudden stinging in his left shoulder had him remembering though, that rage in Raphael's eyes as his sais flew forward. Although no one else knew it, Leo knew Raph would come home with an apology speech tucked into the recesses of his mind. Why did he act such a way and then plead for forgiveness? Maybe, just maybe he could find the answers in this journal.
With every demon he could imagine nipping at his mind he turned his attention to the entries. He flipped to the latest one and his jaw dropped open, because, there were marks of water on the page, not just water though, tears.
I freaking did it again! Stupid freak! It's happening too often. More and more he enrages me and tonight was one time where I lashed out physically at Leo. I actually drew my sais. I wanted to fight him but he was holding back. I made a mistake and went much too far. My own weapon, I drew my own sai and stabbed him. I know I'll never forgive myself for that. I've nearly beaten Mikey with a lead pipe, nearly sent my sai through Leo's throat, now this. What am I going to do next? What kind of monster am I?
Leo's unconscious. Big surprise huh? Blood loss, Don had said. He needed a small transfusion and I willing gave my blood but couldn't bring myself to stay. I wonder if Don ever tells him that I do it with no hesitation? Probably not, I know both he and Mikey hate to see us fight. I catch Mikey crying at times and Don can busy himself for hours, trying to work out our arguments. I never bother them though when that happens. Of course, they end up both crawling to Leo when they grow frustrated and sad. I used to be able to do that, go to Leo when I had a problem I didn't want to burden my father with, or when I was scared.
It's like that right now. I'm scared. Every time I do something like this it always turns out the same way. I make a stupid mistake, Leo pays for it, I run off and return with an apology. The only thing that makes me come back is the fact that Leo, at least up to now, has always forgiven me. One time, I asked him why. Why did he forgive me so easily?
He simply said, "You're my little brother."
I don't understand that. So what if we are brothers? I still hurt Leo. He should hate me. Maybe things would be better if he did. I don't know what to do so I'm lying here in my hammock, writing. This would shock my family. Splinter might be proud, Mikey would mock me for it to no end, Don would be surprised a Neanderthal like me can hold a pen and Leo, actually, I'm not sure what he would think. He might be proud, like sensei. That would be perfect, if I knew he would be proud of it, you know, me actually writing thoughts, then I would endure the mocking from Mikey, but Leo's unpredictable, unreadable. What makes him so dang perfect!?
Perfect. It's what he is, whether he knows it or not. Sometimes I manage to say the right thing at the right time these days, it's then I want to say everything to my big brother but I bite my tongue. Maybe it's to save myself future humility. Then again, ever since Leo became the leader, we've drifted apart. We used to be like twins, but now, everything is so different now. I wonder if he's still there? The old Leo, the Leo that was my best friend. Time seems to have swallowed him up and he's trapped in the past. Back then, I went to him when I had problems and stupid little fears. Was Master Splinter going to be ok alone? Was our little brother going to survive being sick? Would we make it home when we were lost in the sewers? Why did I have to be alone when storms shook the world around me?
I went to him for everything and he never complained, but then the day came when he was made the leader of our team and I got a little angry. I had wanted to be the leader, I was convinced I was going to be but then Master Splinter surprised us all when he turned to Leo. What I noticed days later was that he had been just as shocked as the rest of us. I hope Leo never finds out but it's something that hit me in the heart. I snuck into his room later, to do something. Maybe I wanted to yell at him but I was shocked to find my brother had a journal, just like me. What I read I'll never forget.
He never wanted to be the leader. I had been the one bragging about becoming the leader so he was ready to follow. It hurts worse now more than ever, knowing that despite being who he is, he would still follow, me. Me, got that? He would follow me. The thought makes me angry now. He's our leader, I ain't going to follow anyone else but my father and older brother. Leo's the leader, my leader and I wish he was still my best friend. I got angry and yelled at my best friend for the first time those many years ago. Well, I dug my own grave, now I have to lay in it. I know I say this every night, but here it is yet again.
Leo's my big brother. I look up to him. I try to be like him but I never can. It's like I'm not good enough for him. I know I'm not a good brother to him. I can't make him laugh and smile like Mikey. I can't tend to his wounds and impress him like Don. All I can ever manage to do is start fights with him, but then it's enough. Years ago Leo became the leader and suddenly, he decided to do everything and fill his time with his own activities. Nin-jutsu and meditation mostly, suddenly my best friend was too busy and I didn't want to be a burden. I guess that's when we started to drift apart. Maybe if I could be a better ninja he'd have more time for me.
I recall once, when we were eight, when Leo went topside to get food for us. Splinter was sick and had to stay in bed. I wanted to go with him but he said he didn't want to put me in danger. Silently, I said he was the best big brother ever. I couldn't say it to his face, I had too much pride, but here in this journal, pride doesn't mean a thing. It had taken him too long and later we found out he had run into a gang fight. He tried to get around them but had to fight for the first time in his life. He saw death much too early.
Whew, well listen to me ramble on. I can't stand to be here much longer. I can't be here when Leo wakes up but I'll say this, Leo's my hero. I've never told him and I probably never will but I hope one day he'll know.
Leo was frozen as the words bounced around in his head. With little change to his expression he closed the book and set it down beside him. All those thoughts were truly Raphael's. Why hadn't he known. His hero? Leo was his hero? He thought he wasn't good enough for his older brother. He wasn't a good enough ninja?
He couldn't be perfect?
Leo shook his head. This was so wrong! Raph was blaming himself, he had dug a grave and now had to lay in it? Leo shook his head yet again, this couldn't be his over confident younger. For a minute he glanced around him, wondering if he was in the right room. After a long ten minutes he let his hand fall back onto the book. If those had been Raph's thoughts just about that night what emotions and thoughts lied in the past? He gasped as he noticed his hand turning the pages. He slammed the book shut and grounded his teeth together. No, this wasn't right! He shouldn't of even been in here. After a long, ten deep breaths he decided he needed to meditate to work out his thoughts. He was ready to climb to his feet when the door handle turned. Oh no, apparently he had to work these thoughts very quickly.
Raphael didn't despise him…good. Most shocking…he saw Leo as his hero…great. He blamed himself…bad. He thought his older brother was perfect…bad. He didn't think he was good enough for someone he deemed perfect…really bad. Things were in need of repair.
Raph growled as he stomped up the stairs, not caring if he woke his family up. He had been out, busting up gangs and their crimes for the past few hours, letting out his anger so he wouldn't take it out on his brothers or get in trouble with his father. After all the fighting he spent an hour on his favorite rooftop, thinking over words. He had to have the right ones to apologize to Leo. If he said anything wrong, Leo wouldn't forgive him. Only sometimes did he say the right thing but that's why he kept trying. Maybe one of those sometimes would be tonight. Of course, with no plan, he stumbled back into the lair and quickly made his way to the infirmary. When he found it empty his rage crawled back into his mind.
Fine, so Leo hadn't even waited up for him. Well that was fine! He didn't need his big brother standing there watching him as he walked back in. Leo probably didn't even care any more. In the back of the turtle's mind another voice spoke though. He had stabbed him, maybe he was exhausted and went to bed. Maybe Don and Splinter forced him to bed because of the wound. As Raph came to the second floor of his home he glanced at the door that lead to his older brother's room. After an internal struggle he convinced himself to duck into the room. When he found it empty he let a bit of fear fill him.
Had Leo gone out after him!? That was stupid! There were gangs everywhere and the Foot were patrolling closer and closer to their home and Leo was injured, he-! Raph's breaths suddenly came in struggled gasps. He shook his head, he couldn't have gone after him. Splinter and Don wouldn't have let him leave the lair. Then, came that second voice again. If it meant protecting them, protecting him. Leo would disobey an order and take twice the punishment.
"Oh shell," Raph whispered, noticing that the stands that normally held Leo's katanas were empty.
Leo must have gone after him! Raph slapped his head. How could that idiot be so stupid!? The hotheaded turtle always came home! He growled, what was he thinking? This was Leo after all. He would be fine. Although he hadn't fully convinced himself Raph exited the room and walked next door to his room. Then, he heard something inside, the slamming of a book. He knew he had only one book in his room, his journal and he could bet it was Mikey. If his youngest brother read anything in that journal he'd never stop mocking Raph for it!
Raph growled and reached for the door handle. He'd pound Mikey for this! He grabbed the door handle and threw aside the door. What he saw made him freeze and made his heart freeze. He met blue masked eyes and his mouth dropped open as he followed the grassy green arm to the blue book beside him. Shell, Leo knew. He knew it all. Before he could even realize it he was flying down the stairs and past his purple banded brother, who had woken up from Raph's pounding footsteps. In two seconds he was out the door and in the sewers.
He turned a corner, and another, and another, and another and yet another. It was the same thing every turn only the dark damp concrete met his eyes and his heart was racing. Finally, after, who knows how long he collapsed against the wall and slid down it into a sitting position. He breathed heavily and brought his hands up to his face, it was burning. Great, just freaking great!
"You idiot," he said to himself, hearing his voice crack, "You freaking idiot. He knows everything now."
He could see the eyes already, scrutinizing him. The humiliation from his younger brothers, they would never stop mocking him for it. Why? Why didn't he hide it better!? He brought his hands up to his face again and was shocked to find tears falling from his eyes. No, he didn't cry! There no denying it, for anyone who glanced at him could easily see it. He was frightened. He had to go home eventually, what would everyone say when Leo told them what was in the journal?
"Raphael?" asked a voice.
The red banded turtle jumped to his feet and managed to run a few feet before someone grabbed him. He allowed his eyes to open for a moment and then closed them tightly when he saw a flash of blue. He raised his fist and hit hard at the one holding him.
"Let me go Leo!"
The eldest simply took a deep breath and endured the punches Raph threw at him. No matter what, he wasn't letting go.
"Never again, little brother."
The voice was so soft that it made Raph pause in his attack. It wasn't Leo's normal voice. The red masked turtle growled and tried to push his older brother away, but it was of little use with how strong Leo already was.
"Let me go!" Raph shouted.
Leo only pulled him closer and tucked his head under his chin. That made Raph stop cold. His older brother hadn't done such a thing, in years. He stood stone still, so he was surprised to feel a hand on the back of his neck after a long minute of silence.
"Leo," he whispered in shock.
"I'm sorry. I'm so sorry little brother."
Raph's breath left him, he must have read the entire journal, up to the last entry! Oh great! Raph trembled once before forcing his body to still. No, he couldn't let Leo in again.
"You were crying, when you wrote that last entry," Leo commented.
Raph suddenly found it very hard to breath. He'd been crying and crying was showing weakness. Showing emotions was saying you were weak. Right? Leo's arms tightened around him and he felt a lump rise in his throat.
"I'm sorry Raphael, for it all."
The younger turtle forced himself to speak, "It doesn't-"
He paused and tried to pull away again but Leo wouldn't have it, he just held Raph tighter.
"It doesn't make up the years Leo," Raph said quickly, trying to pull away again.
Leo let him go and finally stood face to face with Raph.
"Nothing you say can fix it Leo," Raph said harshly, turning away and closing his eyes.
"What about a promise?" Leo asked quietly.
Raph remained silent, not sure what to say. Leo stepped forward and around Raph to hug him again. This time, his younger brother made no attempt to pull away, at least, for the moment.
"What kind of promise?" Raph asked after a long minute
"A promise," Leo said and then paused for a long minute, "A promise, to be the big brother I always should've been."
Raph began to tremble again. It had been years, he had built so many walls and now. He held back his tears and focused on his heavy breathing. A long minute later he felt a loud thumping next to his ear. He opened his eyes to find he had his head resting against Leo's plastron. He tilted his head up slowly and slammed his eyes shut when he saw the white bandage on Leo's shoulder. Then, the tears did come and they wouldn't stop. For the next minute Raphael was aware of movement but didn't bother to open his eyes to find out anything. When he did bring himself to open his eyes he found himself curled up next to his older brother, his head still against Leo's plastron.
"I'm sorry," Raph mumbled.
"Raph, no. I'm sorry, I didn't know. I wasn't aware for all those years that I was-" Leo stopped and searched for the right words, he didn't want them to sound so harsh.
"Ignoring your little brother," Raph finished.
Leo flinched at the words and gave himself a mental slap. He had been such an idiot. All the training, all the caring for his family and he hadn't even seen that he was pushing his best friend away? Suddenly, he wasn't ashamed of reading the journal.
"Yes," Leo admitted with a gulp, swallowing his pride and then taking a deep breath.
Very slowly he leaned forward and nuzzled Raph's temple with his beak. Raph's breath caught in his throat and he leaned back a bit, making the small tender move last longer.
"You promise?" Raph asked quietly as Leo leaned back against the wall.
"I vow it," Leo whispered as he pulled Raph closer.
"I'm sorry," Raph whispered again, "I-"
Leo followed Raph's gaze to the bandage around his shoulder and frowned. Leo tightened his hold when Raph tried to pull away again.
"No," Leo murmured, "Stay, please?"
"Ok," Raph said with a smile and snuggled closer to his older brother.
He could barely believe it. There was no argument, no lecture and Leo…wanted what had been lost as well. Raph glanced up and moved up to press his face against Leo's shoulder.
It was so quiet it could've been nothing but the eldest heard it.
"I love you, big brother."
Leo smiled and hugged Raph closer, "I love you too little brother."
They spent that night in the sewers and the next morning when they came home they acted very strangely in the others eyes. For most of the morning they had been silent but they were acting civil to one another. Mikey made no comment either for fear of being pummeled by them both or just because of shock.
"Can you pass me the salt Raph?" Leo asked at their breakfast table.
"Sure bro," he said and scooped up the salt before passing it to his brother.
They shared a smile and then returned to their breakfast. Splinter was looking back and forth between them with a observant but serious expression as if he suspected evil magic had been placed on either one or both of his oldest sons. Whenever they acted kindly to one another Don found himself crossing out old notes he had written in a notebook and writing new ones only to find the new ones contradicted the old ones after every third interaction. Totally confused he tossed the notebook into the trashcan and got to his feet.
"I give up!" he shouted and stomped out of the room towards his lab.
"What's eating him?" Raph asked.
Leo shrugged, Splinter's expression didn't change and Mikey suddenly found himself trying to perfect the shape of an omelet.
That night, Mikey walked in from skateboarding, Don came out of his lab, a large stack of papers in his hand on teenage temperaments and Splinter walked out of his room to find the two oldest asleep on the couch, Raph snuggling into Leo's side while Leo had an arm around him. There were two books on the table in front of them. A blue one titled, Thoughts and a red one titled, Life. Don dropped the papers with wide eyes and turned around, silently slipping back into his lab, since it was sound proof.
If you were inside you would've heard his scream of, "WHAT THE SHELL IS GOING ON!?"
Mikey felt frozen. He simply reached the conclusion that he must be sleeping or in a different dimension. Nodding his head he went to bed. Splinter watched his oldest sons for a long minute before making is way over and reaching for the two books only to discover they were journals. He read only the last entries and smiled at his slumbering sons. After many years, peace had been made. He closed them both but glanced down as two pictures fell from them.
A new smile lit his face, one of pride and love. There, the two pictures laid face up on the floor, both were the same.
Random writing really. Well, that was good weekend.
I like reviews!
~Moonsetta