Chapter 1
Spencer sat backstage, trying to calm down his over active nerves, as the manager of the café,
Mr. Andrews, welcomed him to the stage. "Hey everyone, tonight please help me welcome a newcomer to the café, Spencer Reid!" Mr. Andrews started a round of applause as Spencer walk slowly out onto the stage giving a little wave with his head hanging in a nervous way. When he got in front of the microphone, He regretted ever coming to the café.
'What ever possessed me to come to a café and sing the song I wrote during one of the worst times in my life? I hate standing alone in front of crowds in the first place' Spencer nagged himself while he prepared himself to sing. 'Well, in here now. Might as well get this over with.' Spencer took a deep breath and started to strum the beginning if his song
"I hear, a voice say 'Don't be so blind'
It's telling me all of these things
That you would probably hide.
Am I your one and only desire?
Am I the reason you breathe,
Or am I the reason you cry?
Always, always, always,
Always, always, always,
I just can't live without you!
I love you!
I hate you!
I can't get around you!
I breathe you,
I taste you!
I can't live without you!
I just can't take anymore
This life of solitude
I guess that I'm out the door
And now I'm done with you!
I feel, like you don't want me around
I guess I'll pack all my things
I guess I'll see you around
It's all, been bottled up till now
As I walk out your door
All I can hear is the sound!"
That's what Spencer thought, and it's what he knows now. The night he left Derek, he stayed up and wrote this song. Perfecting it, adding the tune, everything. The next morning he was tiered, his eyes tear stained from crying as he wrote it.
"Always, always, always,
Always, always, always
I just can't live without you!
I love you,
I hate you,
I can't get around you!
I breathe you,
I taste you,
I can't live without you!
I just can't take anymore
This life of solitude
I guess that I'm out the door
And now I'm done with you.
I love you,
I hate you,
I can't live without you.
I wrap my hand around your heart,
Why would you tear my world apart?
Always, always, always, always."
Spencer's hand stilled, silence falling over the café. The part he was about to sing, is the part that hurt the most to write. The sting in his heart was still fresh like it was yesterday, even thou it was about two months ago. He took a deep breath before he sang.
"I see, the blood all over your hands
Does it make you feel, more like a man?
Was it all, just a part of your plan?
The pistols' shakin' in my hands
And all I hear is the sound!"
His hand picked up the beat again.
"I love you,
I hate you,
I can't live around you!
I breathe you,
I taste you,
I can't live without you!
I just can't take anymore
This life of solitude
I guess that I'm out the door
And now I'm done with you.
I love you,
I hate you,
I can't live without you!
I love you,
I hate you,
I can't live without you.
I just can't take anymore
This life of solitude
I pick myself off the floor,
And now I'm done with you.
Always,
Always,
Always"
His strumming started to slow as he neared the end of his song before he stopped altogether. The café was hushed before applause started to move through the crowd. The manager walked onto the stage, a huge smile across his face as he walked up to the microphone. "Well, that was quite the performance from Spencer!" Mr. Andrews said. "Let's have another round of applause !"
Spencer waved once more before walking off the stage to put his guitar away. As he set the guitar down in the case, he looked down at the indentation in the dark wood of it
Within you, I lose myself. Without you, I find myself wanting to be lost again
Happy Birthday
Derek
-FLASHBACK-
Spencer walked through the door after a long day at the BAU, and all he wanted to do was cuddle up with his lover, Derek Morgan, and watch a movie. "Derek, I'm home!" Spencer called out. Derek walked out of their room…with his clubbing cloths on? "Hey. Where are you going?" Spencer asked, a confused look on his face.
"Oh, hey Pretty Boy. I'm going out to meet some friends." He said, looking like he was in a hurry to go.
"But I just got home," Spencer said, letting the sadness slip into his voice. "I was hopping that we could watch a movie or something." Spencer's voice trailed off at the end.
"Yeah I would," Lie "But I can't cancel now. I'm sorry Spencer. Love you, k?" Derek gave Spencer a light kiss before he started to walk out towards the door.
"Yeah, sure you do." The shorter man whispered, his eyes ready to shed tears after Derek left.
"What was that?" Derek stopped in his tracks, turning around to face the younger man.
"Nothing, Derek. Just go."Spencer said sounding defeated and just…old. He sat down in the reading chair they got for Spencer's late night reading, and put his head in his hands.
"No Spencer. What the FUCK did that mean?" Derek was starting to get mad, and when that happened.. well lets just say thing weren't pretty.
"Do you want to know what it means? It means that you're never around! That you're always going off when I get home. And I don't think I believe that you love me anymore." Spencer finished letting the hurt and pain that he has been feeling seep into his voice.
"You don't believe that I love you? What kind of shit is this! You know what I need to go and cool off. We can talk about this later." Derek yelled as he started to walk out the door once again.
"If you walk out that door," Spencer stopped and licked his lips before talking again, "I won't be here when you get back!"
"Yes you will Spencer," Derek said shaking his head, "You always are." Derek walked out the door not knowing the Spencer wasn't kidding this time. Not knowing that he was never going to see Spencer again.
Two hours later Spencer had all of his things packed up, put in his car, and key to the house off his key ring. Looking around one last time he thought back to all the good times they had. The little kisses during work, the fun dates to places Spencer liked, when he took Derek to meet his mother. Its times like that he will miss the most, even thou he has been missing them for the past month or so.
'When did it all go wrong?' Spencer said bye to Clooney once more be fore he left. Not looking back.
"Goodbye Derek. For good."
-END OF FLASHBACK-
Spencer closed the case and stopped the memory. Picking up the case, Spencer walked out into the worm spring night in Fredericksburg, Virginia. He lived about a block or so from the café so it's a nice walk. While in his thoughts Spencer didn't notice the hooded figure following him.
"Derekk" I laughing voice said that made Spencer freeze mid-step.
'Nononononoo it has to be someone else' Spencer begged in his head, but with his luck it would be the man who he was thinking about not even 5 minuets before.
"Don't make me come over there, Baby Girl" the voice that Spencer was hoping not to hear said.
Spencer looked up to see him. Derek Morgan. The man he left because he was cheating on him with only god knows who. Because he was looking at the man who broke his heart, he didn't see the man step out of the shadows and take aim. The next thing Spencer knew, pain exploded in his abdomen. It was all in slow motion for Spencer but it must have happened within seconds. One more glance over to Derek showed him the look of shock when he realized who was shot that then formed into a look of rage.
'He hates me.' the thought sent another wave of pain to his heart. Before he knew it, his legs could no longer hold his weight as the ground came rushing up to meet him. And then.. nothing.