Disclaimer: the characters are the property of J.K. Rowling
Pairing: Sirius/Harry
Rating: M for the second part of the story
Warning: despicable amounts of silliness, man sex, obviously, fluff, cliche jokes and Sirius Black using a laptop
Summary: to stop Sirius from going bonkers during his confinement in Grimmauld Place, Hermione used her genius skills and merged muggle technology with the magic in the old house to create a magic-powered laptop with internet access. Harry got an impromptu sex talk which was way too informative and a laptop of his own to explore the topic further. Chaos ensued.
A/N: PLUNNIES ARE KILLING ME. The second part to this will be posted soon, depending on your reviews.
Sirius and Harry Get Hold of the Internet
Part One of Two: How It Came Along
Sirius, busy with his new present, hardly ever bothered to come down for dinner these days, so the gathered Order members gave no thought to his absence as they tucked into yet another one of Mrs Weasley's delicious meals. Tonight they got to enjoy in steaming tomato soup, roasted veal and perfectly crisp golden potatoes, home-made bread and white chocolate pudding for dessert. His loss, really, they all thought.
Still, however one put it, they were all glad the man had finally found something to keep his mind away from his confinement and was as a result less bad-tempered and moody—when he was actually there.
Hermione took some time and sat the wizards down to explain it to them—it being the internet. As the young witch put it, the internet gave the fugitive a chance to be free and roam into every part of the world with just a tap of his finger against the keyboard or the touchpad, which, she said to the group's consternation and bewilderment, could be replaced by a mouse for easier navigation. When she was asked to clarify that concept, the prodigious girl shook her head and changed the subject – even Hermione could see it would be a lost cause (yet she still staunchly refused to stop her S.P.E.W. propaganda, go figure).
Predictably, Mr Weasley was smitten from the beginning. He spent hours hovering over Sirius' shoulder as the younger wizard was surfing (another one of those things Hermione refused to explain further) the web. The web concept they understood. Mr Weasley was, once again, ecstatic, while Ron turned pale and left the drawing room muttering about 'bloody spiders, mice and the entire thrice-damned animal kingdom'.
However, Mr Weasley's hovering brought about Sirius' seclusion. All one could hear when they passed the bedroom on the fourth landing were sounds of furious typing and an occasional snicker followed by 'I can't believe my bloody parents hated Muggles, this is bloody priceless!' after which a new string of exalted curse-words ensued.
Harry flooed to Grimmauld the second the end of term exams were done in wild hope of eschewing yet another Dumbledore orchestrated attempt of Snape's Occlumency lessons. Honestly, he was hopeless in the art. But to assuage both his guilt over not taking the time to learn and his steadily more violent nightmares, Harry owl-ordered a couple of books on Occlumency from a small shop in Diagon Alley Snape told him about in one of his rare bouts of good (read: less snarky) mood. The entire contents of the shop were dedicated to mind arts so he had a fair pick of beginners' guidebooks.
So there he was, in his bed, properly stuffed from dinner, the first of many books open on his lap, he was all set to start reading and take copious notes from which he could review and revise his reading the next day. All set, and just about to start.
He'd been all set for three hours, and truth be told, he was no longer stuffed from dinner. Who knew that sitting and staring at the far wall would make one hungry again so soon.
Harry groaned and closed the book, then slid lower against the headboard and groaned again. He couldn't bloody well concentrate with Sirius' snickering from the room next to his. It was infuriating! Just as he was finally ready to start, his godfather would be seized by another round of chuckles or giggles or snickers, sometimes even downright evil cackles. It was disturbing, really, the variety of laughs on that man's disposal. The rest of the sounds the man made were all stuffed neatly into the darkest cellar of Harry's subconscious.
But when Sirius went off again, this time with a bark to his laughter, Harry couldn't take it anymore. He rose from the bed, picked up his wand and stormed out of his room to teach that man some sense... and manners!
He put up a silencing charm in the hallway (actually, couldn't Sirius have used that simple little second-year charm himself and spared him the trouble?) and then blasted open his godfather's bedroom door with a twisted sense of pleasure as splinters flew everywhere around him and Sirius fell off the bed while grappling for his wand. Once the dust settled, the animagus was still pointing his wand at Harry, eyes wide and furious, usually neat, black hair mussed and sticking out in odd directions, and entire body tense in a duelling stance.
For his part, Harry was clutching at what was left of the doorway with one hand while the other arm was wrapped around his torso as he laughed. And laughed and then laughed some more. God, that was hilarious, to see a grown wizard fly into a panic and sputter like that! Oh, priceless!
"If you weren't my godson, I'd hex the spine off you for this, Harry! You bloody nearly gave me a heart-attack!" Sirius hissed after flinging a silent Reparo at the door behind Harry's form which would still give a shudder here and there as the young wizard tried to fight the urge to laugh manically some more.
"You—had—i—it—com—coming!" Harry wheezed as he put his palms on his knees, leaning forward to catch his breath.
"What in the Hades have I done?" The older wizard asked with indignation colouring his voice. He dropped his wand back on the nightstand and resumed his previous position as he sprawled across the bed and reached for the laptop. Not another moment passed when he laughed yet again.
Harry huffed and sat down next to him, the light from the plasma-screen reflecting off his glasses. "Your bloody snickering is making it hard to concentrate on my studies," he replied, eyes glued to the screen as he kept track of the written conversation between his godfather (Barky, go figure) and some anonymous woman who called herself biting_fairy. "Sirius?"
"Huh?"
"Why would someone choose the name of a hairy little pest for a user name?"
"Harry, he's a Muggle, you know they suffer from horrible misconceptions."
"He? Why would a guy call himself a fa—oh!"
Harry studied his godfather from the corner of his eye. "Sirius?"
"Yes, Harry?"
"Why would he ask you about the power of your bark and if you could back it up? And why—"
"Harry!"
"What, Sirius? I just find his questions ridiculous! And why in the world is he—why does he care how big your—"
"HARRY!" Sirius snapped the laptop closed and sat up.
"What?"
"I can't believe I'm going to say this, but Snape is right about you – you wouldn't be able to catch an innuendo if it hit you in the face," the older man rolled his eyes and lowered his head to the keyboard to cover his blush. Damn the boy's naïveté.
"I know what he means, Sirius, but why—were you going to—Hermione told me Muggles did that online but—How—with a guy—wh—" the sputtering continued until his godson was so red in the face he could overshadow any Weasley.
Sirius groaned and threw himself backwards, his head hitting the pillow with a small thud as he exhaled loudly and covered his face with his hands. This was ridiculous, really. The boy was just shy of seventeen and nobody ever gave him the talk? He figured the Weasley's or perhaps even Dumbledore had taken care of it, Harry was in that age and uh... Damn. The animagus let out another groan upon trying to imagine Arthur or Molly talking to Harry about his budding sexuality.
He uncovered his face and studied the young man quietly, his eyes lingering on the youth's delicate features and the graceful way his neck dipped when he lowered his head, obviously flustered by his silence. Harry was a beautiful boy, there was so much of Lily ingrained into his chiselled cheekbones and slanted green eyes, and Jamie's wild jet hair stuck in all directions but the locks were more defined. Yes, rather beautiful if Sirius said so himself. Beauty and naïveté... his godson was just ripe for the picking by some lunatic pervert and he would be none the wiser! The animagus removed his hands from his face and let the right one fall on Harry's own.
"Siriuuuuuuuus," was that a whine? "I'm sorry, I'm a moron," Harry looked at him with a sheepish smile while rubbing at his neck with his other hand. "I'm not... you know... against it or anything. I—I guess—gah—I guess it's all been kind of insignificant to me so far—Dunno—"
"Harry," Sirius propped himself up against the headboard and waited until the teen looked him in the eye, "You ever been explained the—you know—mechanics of it all?"
The older wizard had to bite the inside of his cheek at the scandalised look his godson shot him. "You serious?"
"Of course I am!"
"Sirius."
"Yeah?"
"That joke is just—old."
"Don't even try changing the subject, Harry," Sirius admonished, casting him an indignant look – for the first time he honestly was not using that joke in a serious conversation (insert mental snicker here).
Harry threw his hands up in the air and huffed, "Honestly, there is no need for this, Sirius!"
"What? You plan to never have sex?" He asked dryly.
The boy closed his eyes for a moment and pinched the bridge of his nose in a disturbingly Snape-like gesture. Sirius felt a shudder building up in him but he smothered it with a vengeance. This was his bedroom, no thoughts of Snape of all people were allowed inside these walls.
"It's kinda hard to meet people, what with this bloody scar and a maniac out to get me, you know?"
Sirius frowned.
When Sirius Black frowned it usually meant some thought process or other was going on inside that skull of his. Which usually meant—well nothing good, certainly.
"You know, Harry, there's one other perk to this interweb—"
"—Internet."
"—interwhatever thing," Sirius said, forehead still furrowed in a contemplative frown. Harry glanced up from his hands, which he was wringing furiously in an awfully Dobby-like manner, and met his godfather's eyes.
Sirius was up to something by the looks of it.
"Yeah, what would that be?"
The older man shifted on the bed and struggled not to avert his gaze from his godson's. He pushed a couple of unruly dark strands back behind his ear and coughed to clear his throat. "Prn."
"What now?"
"Merlin, Harry, make it even more awkward for me, would you?" Sirius huffed in frustration. "Prn," he hissed and coughed again, cheeks slowly turning red in the dimness of the room.
"Huh?"
"PORN, HARRY, PORN! As in pornography, naked people and obscene sex acts!"
"Oh," Harry said lamely and the furious blush returned with a vengeance. Sirius fought down a decidedly very unmanly giggle. The smothered giggle turned into a loud groan when Harry looked at him through his eyelashes, teeth worrying his bottom lip as another awkward question formed in the air between them. Oh, how Sirius despised uncorrupted, innocent youth. This situation was about to join the long list of regrets he had that stemmed from him not being there during every step of Harry's life.
"How do they even make it—you know—porn?"
Sirius gave his godson a blank stare. "Even you should be able to get to that conclusion, Harry."
"What?" Harry glowered at him. "I'm sorry if I'm not as depraved as you wished me to be, Lassie."
"That was uncalled for Prongslet! I know that Lassie was a girl! Her name is Lassie for Merlin's sake, you guys didn't think I'd figure it out, did you?" He asked , his face smug. He so googled that bitch. "Anyway, stay on topic."
"Tell me Sirius."
"They use those camera things that Hermione has and record themselves."
"Oh."
"Hey Harry,"
"What?"
"You think Hermione ever used those cameras with Ron to—"
"!"
"Why are you singing nonsense? Stop yelling damnit!" Sirius shouted over Harry's horrible off key singing and forcibly tried to remove the boy's fingers from his ears.
"You can't say that, Sirius, she's my best friend, my sister! Gross!"
"Oh how old are you, Harry?" Came a snort from the newly-rebuilt doorway. Both men on the bed froze and turned to see Hermione standing there, propped against the wall. Harry let out a small startled laugh and Sirius patted the boy's head condescendingly.
"Hermione, Harry has had more than enough shocks tonight, go easy on him."
The witch chuckled and shook her head as she played with the sash around her bathrobe. "Seriously you two... As soon as I noticed the silencing charm and Harry's empty room I knew there was something fishy going on. I just never assumed you two met up to discuss my sex-life."
Poor Harry looked as if he was going to lose it. After a glance at the youth's face Sirius smiled mischievously, "So, Hermione, did you?"
"Oh yes," she answered cheerfully, "It was amazing, Ron suffered from some performance anxiety, but we got rid of the problem with some rigorous practice," she elaborated on her experience making Sirius go into a fit of silent laughter as he studied Harry's face. "Well, my task here is done, Harry's been properly traumatized and now I'm off to... well," she winked and with that, left.
"Tomorrow," Harry began in a small voice, "I'm moving out, Voldemort be damned."
"Harry!" Sirius chided, "It's just another part of life, everyone does it!"
"Great," Harry shouted at the older man, "Now I keep seeing McGonagall and the headmaster in my head!" He gave a violent shudder to emphasize his point.
Sirius disappeared inside his closet for a while, coming out a couple of moments later with a stupid grin on his face. He just came out of the closet again. But that was beside the point.
"Here," he threw another, smaller laptop on the bed next to Harry. "I'm sure you know how to use it, go to your room and explore. Tomorrow night, we talk again, with less gagging noises on your side, alright?"
Harry nodded dumbly and scampered out of the room.
Sirius watched Harry's back as he left and sighed, reopening his laptop.
"Great, now the damned fairy left."
He glanced down into his lap and shook his head sadly, "Sorry lad, no fun for you just yet. Let's give it a couple of hours and try to find someone else then, eh?"