Despite my growing strength and skills in the Jedi, fatigue and frustration would start to grow on me, heading into what would become the final year of The Clone Wars.
Heading into 19 BBY, I felt like I was starting to lose grasp on a lot of things in my life, the outer rim sieges had started, and, the battles looked like it was growing worse by the day.
People I fought and befriended with in the war were changing and I could tell the war was changing me too. I was heading a pilgrimage for a new class of younglings to help out with their lightsabers and we ended up dealing with Grevious and Hondo's crew, exposing these kids to the war and state the Galaxy was in, and all props to Hondo for helping us out in the end, a simple pilgrimage became another backdrop of unrest.
So it was pretty much around that time that frustration was starting to set in, and the wheels were starting to fall off. I had been running hard, my mind and body had been torn to shreds, and I had isolated myself from a lot of people I grew to care for.
I realized that the transport was about to go off the tracks. And yet, I knew I was burning the candle on both ends.
I remember me and my master being sent to Cato Neimoidia, that was being attacked by The Separatist Alliance, after rescuing my master during the battle, we're called back by The High Council to investigate a bombing on the temple.
Long story short, I get framed by my best friend, I'm almost certainly sentenced to death after being expelled by the order that took me in.
After my master proved my innocence, I was offered to return, after they had said it was the will of the force.
...
'Really?' I was thinking on that day, 'You all want to say it was the force's fault? No apology? No admitting they made a horrible lapse in judgment? I'm not one to have a big head, but after Barris, Loyal Jedi like me are pretty hard to find.'
That reasoning didn't make any sense to me, I've always would accept the responsibility and make up for my mistakes, The Battle of Felucia taught me that. I would make up for any mistake I make. After I was told that I was thinking, 'If this what The Jedi Order was becoming, then I might as well walk out.'
Mace Windu made things worse when he said that everything that happened was part of my great trial, saying the force works in mysterious ways. And I'm left thinking, "Really that's what you're going to say, everything I went through was a Great Trial?' Now when I heard that and said to myself 'Really, that's what you're going to say' was not me agreeing with it, that was me saying, 'Really, because if that's the mentality you're going with, I'm not coming back."
Right then and there, with trepidation in my head, I made up my mind, I'm leaving the Order for good.
When I look back on everything that happened, and I look back from what the fallout was...if I can go back in time, I would've never left. When my Master held out my braid, if I can go back in time I wouldn't had walked I would've came back.
But back then, I felt like I had to leave, and leave with any ounce of Sanity, it was rough life I was having, and I regretted leaving the way I did, and to this day, I still feel like I owe up to it...