Waiting Forever

"How long is forever? Sometimes, just one second." -Lewis Carroll

Kathryn Janeway was unsure of how she was supposed to be feeling. A part of her was touched that her crew had persevered and thought highly enough of them both to find a cure.

Not many a people would want the return of their Captain and Commander, it served only to reflect well on their characters. A reassurance that Kathryn hadn't realised she needed until that moment.

The other and more prominent part of her felt nauseous. When she and Chakotay first awoke on New Earth she had been determined to find a way to leave but now the thought formed a knot in her stomach.

The old saying 'Be careful what you wish for', kept replaying in her head like a cruel joke.

Rationally she knew that staying on this planet forever would never of been easy. But she found herself craving for the life that had just slipped through her fingers.

"Well that's some good news." Chakotay's voice broke through her thoughts. Looking at him for the first time since Tuvok had informed them Voyager was on its way back, Kathryn saw the same trepidation in his eyes.

"Yes, quite." She replied her voice almost cracking as she tried to sound as impassive as possible.

For the next few seconds neither of them said a word. The silence that filled the air was thick with a tension she'd become acustimed to when near the man she cared for more than just a Commander.

"Kathryn""Chakotay"

They both spoke at once, she couldn't help but blush like some love struck teenager. This sort of thing had to stop, especially now that everything had changed.

"Please you first, Commander." Kathryn emphasised the last word as best she could. She could feel the walls he'd broken down slowly re building.

It was for the best but at the same time she didn't miss the sadness that flashed in his eyes when she slipped back into Captain mode.

"Kathryn..." He began slowly, "the voyager isn't here yet can we at least talk about this."

She desperately wanted to but at the same time she couldn't help the swell of frustration that was building up within her. It was futile to discuss anything now that everything had changed.

What she could of had, what they could of had was no longer in existence. It hurt her more than she could admit. All Kathryn wanted in that moment was to be alone and mourn what had just been lost.

"For what end?" She snapped unable to stop herself. "It's simple we are to return to the ship as Captain and Commander and that's how it will always be."

The last part of her sentence sounded bitter even to her own ears, but it was true never the less.

"Now I really need to start packing some of this equipment."

Not waiting for a reply she made her way past him, trying as best she could to hide the tears in her eyes. But as always Chakotay could see past her stern façade and grabbed her forearm firmly to stop her.

"I know you don't want to hear this, but I want you to know that it doesn't matter to me if we're stranded on a planet or stuck on a ship faraway from home, my feelings remain and always will remain the same".

Try as she might her mask of indifference slipped away completely at his words. The tears flew freely from her eyes and she ducked her head to try and hide. But his gentle fingers under her chin raised her head back up to look at him.

"Don't hide from me Kathryn not after what could of been if we'd only been here a little longer."

"But that's just it, what could of been, and I can't ...we can't." She tried to explain but she knew he understood when he pulled her into a tight embrace.

Now the tears were streaming down her cheeks so she sought comfort by burying her face into his warm chest.

"Shhh, it's ok." His deep voice soothed her as usual.

How could anything be ok ever again? They may not of done anything that was physically inappropriate but lines had been blurred.

"I wish they hadn't found a cure." She mumbled into the fabric of his shirt and heard him sigh in response.

This was the first time she'd come close to admitting the truth about how she felt.

"It doesn't have to change anything." His desperate plea broke her heart and she could tell that he already knew she would not compromise her role as Captain.
Perhaps one day but right now Kathryn couldn't afford to let go of regulation and dive into whatever this feeling was between them.

Pulling away but remaining close she looked up into his dark eyes. Those deep pools of emotion she would gladly drown in. Life was so unfair, but Kathryn couldn't let those type of thoughts take over.

"Oh, Chakotay, I wish that was true." She sniffled but managed to smile sadly at him.

"I understand but I also want you to understand that even if it means waiting forever I won't ever give up on us." He stated matter of factly, returning her smile with his own.

Leaning down he placed a soft kiss on her temple that lingered their for a few seconds. Unable to help herself she manuvered her face so their noses bumped and she was desperate to close the gap and kiss him, but he stopped her.

"Why does this feel like it's a kiss goodbye, Kathryn?"

Her eyes fluttered open and she almost laughed at the impossibility of their situation.

"I can't give you anything else right now." She whispered quietly not sure he'd even hear her.

"Then like I said before, I'll wait forever, until you're ready for something more." He promised and Kathryn believed him, which only made matters worse. She was condemning him to a life sentence

Smiling up sadly at him she nodded before finally forcing herself to pull away.

Forever was a long time.