Dedication- To my favorite slash author, Chibi-Alania. It's all you! This is that story I promised you, a full-length proper one, slightly angst-y and with a Sirius/Remus ending.
Warnings- Slash and angst. Also some possibly disturbing way of looking at life in general.
Disclaimer- Song 'Ugly' and characters belong to J.K. Rowling and The Esties.
Are you ugly? A liar like me? A user, a lost soul? Someone you don't know? Money, it's no cure A sickness so pure Are you like me? Are you ugly?
Ugly
Chapter 1; Masked
Sirius stared into the mirror, the ugliness of just being him staring back at him, accusatory, judgmental. It wasn't just his bad family name, or his lies, or his haughty arrogance. It was something else, some ugly hardness behind his cold, unfeeling gray eyes. It was a mask.
Sirius knew that they were all masked, all hidden inside their outwardly appearances. They all knew, all the marauders, that there was something else, something deep below the surface that at times stood out, but most of the time stayed quietly hidden beneath their jokes and fun. It wasn't as if they were totally different people beneath their masks…no, they were a mix of each, none of them sure where the mask began and the true them began. They didn't even know who their true selves were.
Sirius glared into the mirror some more. He was tired of pretending he wasn't bitter about his family. He was tired of pretending he was so different than them because he knew- he knew! - he wasn't. There was always that evil drifting below the surface that he was scared to let out. The only real difference between him and his family was that he knew how to control his evil.
That was another thing he had to hide- his fright. He was scared, so scared, that he would end up like them. That he would be sucked into their lies and cheats, into their dirty deeds. That was what he hid the most- his fear.
Sirius glared down at the floor, his heart overwhelmed with hate for his mask. He knew that Remus had a mask too, something that made him feel closer to the werewolf than ever before. He was glad there was someone slightly like him, someone whose mask was just as ugly.
Remus's mask was more delicate than any of the others. If his mask got was peeled away, people would hate him, hurt him. Because the real Remus, the person behind the mask, was so intricate, so layered, that no one would really understand him. Because Remus liked the wolf, loved the feeling of being strong and indestructible, of running like the wind and understand things that others didn't. And that would make people hate him.
It wasn't that Remus liked the pain of transforming, or the blood lusts. It was that he loved the wind in his tail, the feelings of knowing, in a way that no human ever could. It was a feeling that was only shadowed by turning into an animagus, so that Sirius and the others could never fully understand.
Remus examined people. He probably knew the masks of everyone, knew what they were hiding, because his eyes were always watching, his mind calculating. He knew, and it could have been a weapon, but he never used it that way. Never. He just…knew and that caused in him an acceptance, an understanding, that the others could never fully grasp.
Remus wanted to be unmasked though. He wanted the world to know the real him. He wanted the marauders, at least, to understand him for now. So he slowly unmasked himself, never denying the things the other's found out, like the fact that he was a werewolf, or gay. Sirius wished he could do that. He wondered if he did, if Remus would like him as more than I friend, then wondered why he cared.
Sirius turned away from the mirror, from the ugly, accusatory stare of it. He began to walk away, but suddenly turned back, flinging his fist into the glass.
---
From the dorm room, Remus heard the glass shatter. His head shot up and he walked from the room as if in a trance, ignoring the imploring calls of James and Peter, whose human ears had obviously not heard the noise. The boys' restroom was a small circular room at the very top of the tower, accessible to all years. Since Sirius, Remus, James, and Peter were all sixth years and their dorm was close to the top, it didn't take long for him to get to the room and open the door. He knew Sirius had been taking a shower, and wondered if the noise had anything to do with him. He wouldn't be surprised if it did.
When he opened the door, he was not at all surprised to see Sirius standing in the middle of the room in a towel, looking rather dazed. What he was surprised to see was the shattered mirror, littering the floor around him in shiny little squared and diamonds, all potentially dangerous and ready to lodge themselves into Sirius's feet.
"What happened?" he asked, and then added "don't move."
Sirius stopped and pulled his foot back. "The mirror broke."
"I'm aware of that," Remus snorted. "But how?" He could see Sirius was in one of his angsty moods and wished he could help him. "Did you break it?"
Sirius shrugged.
"You did, huh? Why?"
"'Cause…I'm ugly."
Remus snorted and joked. "Yeah, yeah you are. And you kinda smell. And have you ever thought about shaving your toes? The hair's getting awfully long and curly."
"Shut up Remus," Sirius said, but he was smiling. "Just because you have back hair doesn't mean you need to be bitter. I mean…my fakeness is ugly, you know?"
"Your mask, you mean?" They had cautiously had this conversation before, and Remus loved having them. They were a mental challenge, a refreshing conversation about something men such as them selves often hid from- feelings and emotions and their fears. It was real and physiological and it fascinated Remus.
"Yeah. It's real ugly."
"Really ugly, Sirius. They correct term is really." Sirius swooped down and picked up a bit of glass, pretending to throw it at him. Remus grinned and pulled out his wand, repairing the mirror with a flick of his wrist.
"Come along Sirius, be an obedient boy and get dressed. Some of us have lives we must get back to you know," Remus said patronizingly. Sirius gave a convincing growl and shrugged into his clothes, before attacking Remus.
"I've got a life!" he yelled laughingly. Remus tackled him back, and their laughter echoed off the high tiled walls, a break from the lives. A break from reality.