Disclaimer: I don't own either the characters or the lyrics. Lyrics are from the song Broken by Lifehouse.
AN: I was flipping through my ipod today and stumbled across this track and then this fic kind of happened. I have no idea if it is any good or even flows properly but I couldn't sleep until it was written. So…Enjoy :o)
Broken
Another day, another case. Another strange hotel room in a town that has no sense of home. Every time it seems so similar. The same beds, the same TV, the same kettle and the same sense of nothing. Even the décor is the same in the rooms, maybe slightly different shades of the same colours but all designed to give that familiar look. A look that creates a feeling of emptiness.
The broken clock is a comfort
Emily glanced at the clock on the nightstand and saw it flashing 12:00. The red light intermittently flashing the only real difference between this room and the dozens before.
It helps me sleep tonight
So many nights had been spent watching the time tick by. Watching as another minute passed moving closer to the day. She'd find herself just watching the time pass long into the night, sleep always evading her. Every time she tried to close her eyes to sleep, the images would be there waiting for her.
Maybe it can stop tomorrow
So many nights she had lay in the bed and wished that the next day wouldn't come. Wished that the darkness would remain her constant companion. Yet every time the light would shine through the curtains that never quite closed. The light that never quite managed to brighten the corners of her mind or soul, leaving them forever in shadow.
From stealing all my time
Every day that passed just felt like the light slipping further from her reach. The darkness that she witnessed on a daily basis closing in on her even after the case was closed. The days just blending into one never ending nightmare.
And I am here still waiting
There was a time that she thought she had found a way to chase away the shadows. A time when there was a hope that she had finally found the one source of light to keep the nightmares at bay. She remembered a time when a touch or a look was never far away. Those simple actions that meant so much yet she never said. It wasn't until they had faded into the dark recesses of her mind that she realised how much she had come to rely upon them. So now she waited. Hoping. Wishing that one day they wouldn't be a distant memory.
Though I still have my doubts
She had watched as initially the touches became fewer. Then the looks had started to vanish. When they were all but gone, she had lost hope of ever getting that feeling back. Lost all sense of comfort that she had ever had from them. Then they had started again. Her hope once more rising inside her that maybe this time they would be there to stay. That this time, she would be saved from the images that haunted her as the night fell. Yet she could never let herself believe it, not fully. There was always the part of her mind that reminded her of how they had all been taken from her once before. The part of her mind that made her believe they would fade once more.
I am damaged at best
She knew why she had never pursued anything more than the stolen glances and momentary contacts. She knew how damaged she was as a person and would never inflict that on another person. Could never allow her own problems to affect anyone else.
Like you've already figured out
She knew that despite her best efforts to hide how damaged she was, working with the people she did had made it impossible. No amount of compartmentalising would help to hide the simple fact that she was broken. Not if someone looked deeper than the mask she projected to the world. The image that everyone in her life had accepted and never tried to see beneath. Never tried to fix the parts that were damaged.
I'm falling apart
She knew that in recent times, the compartments were failing. Everything she had seen and heard was starting to spill out around the edges. She'd only noticed how much she was slipping when she'd come so close to pulling the trigger against an unarmed unsub. That was the point that she knew all her carefully constructed walls were crumbling. The past coming back to haunt her. No longer safely contained. Every image, every sound, every smell that had been deeply buried for so many years spilling out and consuming her every sense.
I'm barely breathing
It was after she left the house that she felt her emotions and memories overwhelm her. Felt how tight her chest became as she fought to resurrect the walls. Struggled to bury the memories that had resurfaced. Only the walls were down and she could feel herself losing her composure.
With a broken heart
She knew that there was one thing that would help. One thing that would be able to chase away the demons racing through every fibre of her being. The one thing that she had lost. The reason she was alone to face the shadows.
That's still beating
No matter how she tried to ignore the fact that her heart had broken in the knowledge that she had lost her comfort, her solace…The fact it kept beating reminded her. Every beat a reminder that it was still there and still functioning despite feeling like it was shattered into a million pieces.
In the pain
There is healing
Every time she would remember the way things were, the times she would let herself consider what could have been. Every time she would recall the way it felt to have someone who made your scars fade, the pain that accompanied it was a reminder that she still felt. That despite everything she could still feel. That while this held true, there was still hope.
In your name
I find meaning
Late at night, when searching for some form of sense in all the mindlessness that they witnessed there was one thing that always held meaning. One thing that would always trigger a reaction no matter how dark the night.
So I'm holding on
I'm barely holding on to you
It was those brief moments that were her saviour. The hope that she kept close to what remained of her heart that kept her going that stopped the shadows extinguishing the final source of light. She refused to let that go. She would keep holding on to that last glimmer of light, even when it seemed like her grip was slipping.
The broken locks were a warning
She should have known that it was different from the start. Never before had anyone managed to break past her mask. Never seen behind the act that she put on for the world. The first time one of those cracks formed in her defences, she should have known that this wasn't something to turn and run from.
You got inside my head
The cracks were only the start. Noticing things that nobody else blinked at. As time went on, the cracks widened and then it was like her defences had fallen.
I tried my best to be guarded
I'm an open book instead
She had fought it. Tried to maintain her walls and keep everything neatly contained within her compartments and yet she had failed. Looking into those eyes was like seeing her whole mind laid bare. Everything she had fought to keep hidden thrust to the surface for all to see.
And I still see your reflection
Inside of my eyes
She closed her eyes against the memories and was greeted with the image of the very person she was trying to forget. Blue eyes that haunted her every time she closed her eyes. Blue eyes that meant she would watch the clock tick past another minute rather than have them stare deep within her.
That are looking for purpose
They're still looking for life
A single look that showed so much all at once. She couldn't deny the pull in the gaze to just surrender to her feelings. To stop fighting the inevitable and just accept that there was salvation if she dared to take the chance.
I'm falling apart
I'm barely breathing
With a broken heart
That's still beating
So here she was lying in another bed watching the flashing red light of the clock. Even if the numbers didn't change the time still passed. Every minute that ticked by she felt another part of her fracture. Felt her hope fade, replaced with only the empty sense of her heart still beating.
In the pain
Is there healing?
In your name
I find meaning
It was the pain she felt through reliving the memories of what she once had that made her question if there was ever a time that the scars would fade enough to be unnoticeable. It made her question if perhaps the pain stopped her from ever healing the wounds left behind. Yet the sound of that one name was enough to make her keep hoping that there was a time to heal.
So I'm holding on
I'm barely holding on to you
So she lay there and kept holding on to those last images that kept the demons at bay. Kept holding on to what fragments of salvation there may be waiting for her in the light of morning.
I'm hanging on another day
She closed her eyes briefly, that flash of blue enough to keep her going for another day. Enough to get her out of bed the next morning and secure her mask to keep the world from discovering how broken she really was inside.
Just to see what, you will throw my way
Every new day brought a new hope. The possibility of something more coming her way. A look. A touch. A word. The things she had come to crave as her only stability.
And I'm hanging on, to the words you say
You said that I will, will be okay
After so many cases it had been the only thing that stopped her falling apart completely, a simple phrase. Just a touch or a few words that let her know that she would be ok. That she would get through whatever had been thrown at her and make it to the next day. That whatever images lay waiting for her in the dark, they wouldn't beat her.
The broken light on the freeway
Left me here alone
I may have lost my way now
Yet tonight felt different. There had been no words of comfort or a calming touch. The loss of those two things made her question if they had been there in the first place. Made her wonder how to get through the night when the path ahead no longer seemed clear. She could feel her control slipping. Feel the darkness closing in around her, making it feel hard to breathe.
A quiet knock on her door roused her from her thoughts. For a moment she questioned if she had heard the sound or if it was a trick of the mind. Then it sounded again, a quiet knocking. Standing, she rose from the bed and took the three steps to the door. As she opened it, she was greeted with the sight of someone she didn't expect.
"JJ…Are you ok?" Emily cast a glance over the younger woman, searching for any outward signs of distress.
"I'm ok. Are you?" Those blue eyes that waited for her behind her closed eyes at night were now fixed upon her own.
Stepping back from the door, Emily retreated into the room giving the blonde the chance to enter. She watched as JJ stepped into the room and closed the door behind her. Emily sat on the bed and watched the younger agent.
JJ took the three steps over to the bed and sat beside the other woman, her gaze fixed on the ground. "I'm sorry."
Emily frowned in confusion at the apology. "Why?"
"I realised something and now I don't know what to do. I don't know if I have messed it up too much or if it's too late." JJ sighed deeply. "I…I think I hurt the one person I should have been protecting. I created more damage instead of helping to fix what already existed."
"Sometimes you can't fix things. You can't protect people from everything." Emily's voice held a sadness that betrayed how little hope she had left.
"I don't believe that Em." She cast a glance at the brunette beside her before continuing. "I think that if you are willing to allow someone past all the defences, then they can help heal whatever lies in the past."
"Shouldn't you be talking to Will about this?" Emily could feel her control slipping as she heard the words she had longed to hear from the blonde but knowing that they weren't for her.
"No. Will doesn't need me." JJ reached over and took Emily's hand in her own. "You need me."
Emily stared at the hand now wrapped gently around hers. The feeling of warmth slowly spreading through her body from that one point of contact. Emily wanted to believe what she was hearing, that all her time holding on had paid off.
"I think we both lost our way somewhere along the line. I think we allowed our fears and defences to stop us from following what we knew we needed. I ran to Will and you just ran."
JJ moved her other arm and placed it under Emily's chin, slowly lifting the other woman's face to meet her own. "I don't want to run anymore." Her blue eyes searched brown for some answer.
Emily was silent for what felt like an eternity. "I don't know which path I should take anymore Jayj. I used to know but now everything is falling apart and I don't know where to turn."
JJ could feel the lump form in her throat at the raw honesty from Emily. She knew that she had been the reason for the other woman ending up so lost. If she hadn't run in the first place, she could have prevented it. JJ stood from the bed, knowing her chance had past and that now she had to live with her decisions. She was stopped when Emily didn't release her hand. Emily's next words were barely above a whisper. "I never forgot the way out of the darkness."
As JJ turned to face the brunette once more she saw something new reflected in her eyes. She sank down to her knees in front of the older woman, hoping that she had understood what was being said.
Emily reached her hand out to cup the blonde's cheek. She brought their lips together in a kiss that was so tender as each woman feared anything more would break the other. As they parted they could taste the salt of the tears that had fallen. "You were always my way home Jayj."
But I haven't forgotten my way home