Alright Rachel, here is your silly Kirk/Spock smut. I have the writing skills of a potato so this will be terrible. Have fun dieing. (:

Kirk groaned and rubbed his temples as Spock pointed out yet another flaw in his plan. It was perfect; go down to the planet, get some babes and come back to the ship before anybody noticed. Piece of cake! But of course…

"Captain, I would like to point out that there is a 78.62% chance that you will be noticed while hoarding these women back to your quarters. Meaning that there is a 22.38% chance that you will not be noticed. It is quite obvious that the odds are not in your favour."

"I know the odds are against me, Spock, but if you'd just listen--"

"As well, the women of this planet are smarter than you assume, for there is a 69.87% chance that no women will come with you at all."

"Ha, you just said 69."

"I fail to see how this is humorous, Captain."

"I'll tell you later. Right now, we gotta go to that planet and get some hot space chicks."

"Did you not listen to my percentages? I quite clearly stated that--"

"Oh for god's sake Spock, suck my dick!"

Spock was rather taken aback by Kirk's statement. He cocked his head and raised and eyebrow. Humans made such odd threats. Or was it an invitation? He would definitely be thinking about this for a while.

Back in his quarters, Spock continued to think about what Kirk said earlier that day.

It was most likely just a means of silencing me, he decided, but what if it was not? Was it an order? What was he ordering me to do? These human terms sure are difficult to understand.

Spock stood from his desk and walked towards Kirk's quarters. He was strangely eager to find out the meaning of "suck my dick", though he was pretty sure it had to do with sexuality.

"Oh, hi Spock," Kirk muttered as Spock entered his quarters. "What're you here for? Wanna play chess or something?"

Spock shook his head. "No, actually, I do not feel like playing chess tonight. Thank you for the offer however."

Kirk looked up from his desk and smiled slightly. "Alright then…What can I do for you?"

"Earlier today, you used the term 'suck my dick', and I have been struggling to find out what you meant by it."

"Seriously?" Kirk laughed and smacked the table with his hand. "Spock, I was just cranky this morning, that's all. You were pissing me off. It's all water under the bridge now, no need to worry about it."

"I would worry about it less if I knew the exact meaning of the term."

Kirk snorted. "I can't believe you don't know what 'suck my dick' means. But for the sake of things, it means to give oral sex to somebody. You know…to suck them off."

Spock raised an eyebrow and stated, "That is…very illogical. Why would you want to put your mouth on somebody else's genitalia? That sounds very unhygienic."

"It is," Kirk agreed, "but it feels great if you get a person who knows what they're doing. You can always wash your mouth out when you're done, anyway."

"I see. One more question before I leave." Spock's voice turned slightly husky as he asked, "When you said 'suck my dick'…was that a way of getting me quiet, or was it an order?"

Kirk's face turned red and Spock advanced on him. He placed his hands on the Captain's desk and leaned forward a little. "Because if it was an order, I would have no trouble with getting down on my knees and, as you said, suck you off."

"S-Spock, I…uh…" Kirk was at lost for words, and even more so when Spock gently grabbed his wrist and pulled him upright. Spock lead him around to the front of the table and then got down on his knees.

The sight alone made Kirk shiver, and he knew that in a few minutes, he'd be engulfed in the wet cavern of a Vulcan mouth.

Spock leaned in and with his mouth alone, unbuttoned and unzipped Kirk's Starfleet regulation pants and pulled down, revealing his boxer-covered erection. Spock let a puff of air escape his lips as he leaned in and licked along Kirk's hipbone.

"Stop teasing me," Kirk huffed. Spock glanced up and nodded.

"I do not want to disappoint you. If I do not do an adequate job, I apologize."

"I'm sure you'll do fine. J-just do it already…!"

"As you wish." In a quick motion, Spock yanked down Kirk's boxers with his teeth and swallowed him whole.

Kirk couldn't believe how hot and amazing Spock's mouth was. He moaned and laced his fingers through the head of lovely black hair that was currently bobbing and sucking like crazy.

Spock may not have been experienced in giving blow jobs, but he didn't show it. His eyes were closed and his mouth knew exactly what to do to make Kirk lose control.

And he was succeeding. Kirk wanted nothing more than to buck his hips forward, but he didn't want to choke Spock. Spock seemed to notice, because he reached up and grabbed Kirk's hips firmly, holding him in place.

"Oh god yes, please oh please d-don't stop," Kirk hissed. He tossed his head back and bared his teeth in a vicious snarl. No girl he'd ever been with was able to make him feel like this.

Then Spock did something that almost made Kirk stop breathing. He relaxed his throat, took Kirk as deep as he could, and started humming. It was a Vulcan tune, but that didn't matter because the vibrations felt so damn good.

"Spock, I-I'm gonna--" Kirk tried to warn, but Spock looked up with an expression that said, "I know, I can handle it."

With a cry of his first officer's name, Kirk came in Spock's awaiting mouth. Spock drank every drop, though a little rivulet ran down the side of his mouth. Panting, Kirl pulled Spock into a messy, salty kiss.

When they broke apart, both men were speechless.

"Whoa," Kirk breathed.

"Whoa," Spock agreed.

Oh my god this was horrible and very out of character. I'm such a bad person. ):

THIS IS WHY I DON'T WRITE DIRTY THINGS.