I haven't written fanfiction for a very long time so I'm kind of out of practice. But I was bored, so here goes. This is also my first try at a second person POV so out-of-practice + experimental POV = ….we'll see how this goes. This was fun!
Summary: Ichigo's life after the death of a loved one. Snapshots of Moments. Pretty sure you can guess who that "loved one" is.
Pairings: IchiRuki Not so subtle hint of RenjiRuki Character Death
Disclaimer: Do not own Bleach. Wish I did though.
2nd person POV = Ichigo
When the Winter War finally ends, you watch other shinigami run back and forth, calling for members of their squad. Some find who they are looking for, breaking down in either tears of joy or sadness, and some never do. You wish you were one of those shinigami who will never find who he's looking for. But you can't change the future because you saw her die right in front of your eyes. You wish you were never there because you don't want to face it. Her death. Your loss. And what comes after.
You refuse to cry. Ever since your mother died you have struggled to protect anyone else who had dared to hurt your family or friends. You were fueled by a determination to protect those close to you and never once thought you would allow anyone to leave again. Never again, you told yourself, but it did happen. Again. And so you're back where you started those years ago. Only this time you're much older and this time you can't hold back the torrent of tears.
In public, you see Byakuya standing as noble and as pompous as ever, but when you visit the Kuchiki estate to pay your respects, you see him solemn and grave. The paleness of his skin stands in stark contrast to the shadows that now dominate one of the four Noble Houses. You think he must have forgone eating and sleeping and if you look really closely, you can see red-rimmed eyes and desperation peeking out of them. When you approach him, he only murmurs "Kurosaki" before turning around and heading into a room, as if the thought of your face disgusts him to the core. You are fine with that because you are disgusted with yourself.
The words "I know how you feel" come out of Renji's mouth but you feel something rise within you as you struggle to control this volcano from erupting so you grit your teeth and growl, "How could you?! I loved her! How could you ever understand?!" But as you lift your head to glare at Renji, all the rage rushes out of you and you hear him whisper, "I loved her too."
When Matsumoto invites you for a drink in Soul Society, you accept her invitation for the first time. You drink heaps of sake and glance at everyone around you through bleary eyes. Kira has an uncanny ability of becoming half-naked every time he drinks and he lies asleep under the table, murmuring Hinamori and Gin's names once in a while. For the first time, you notice Matsumoto's sad expression as she relates her and Gin's history in a drunken haze and Hisagi's quiet sobs when he has had one too many drinks as he talks about the guilt from killing his Captain. Then you down one more glass of sake before sharing the story of the girl you loved but couldn't save.
You have to go back to your house and catch up in school. Delaying your departure for the Living World only means you have to make up more missed work so you resolve to leave soon. Days pass until 'soon' turns into weeks and your stay in Soul Society is nearing one month. You know you can't stay any longer but you don't want to go back home. You finally bid everyone good-bye at the end of the month to face the inevitable.
Even if you've just fought a war and you're overcome with grief by losing her, you have to put a smile on your face when you approach your home and reassure your sisters that yes, you're alright and no, nothing's wrong. However when you see your father, you're grateful that he lets you pass him without a word.
For five nights you can't sleep, tossing and turning in your bed, pacing back and forth in your room. Your sisters worry over you but you can't tell them what's wrong. Your father just gets more on your nerves and your friends try to console you but they fail. What frustrates you the most though is your closet filled with her things. Every time you enter your room you want to crush the belongings that lie in that closet and yet you always end up just closing the door, unable to touch a thing.
The days you see Orihime sitting sadly at her desk in school, hands gripping her head and refusing to talk to anyone around her, all you can do is stand beside her chair and hope for the best because you know your words would be lost in the air. She thinks it's her fault but you know the truth. You are to blame for her death and no one else. That is all you will accept.
Even if the nightmares wrack your body and you're filled with guilt at seeing her face and despair with losing her once again – this time forever, you just continue on with your life, occasionally hanging out in a nearby bar getting drunk, putting the fake ID you once found on the street to use and sitting in your closet, taking in her scent and filling your mind with memories of her.
You think you see her face in every person you glance at. You once call after a random stranger, mistaking the long ponytail for shoulder-length hair. You apologize profusely when she threatens to call the cops and you walk around your town, thinking you still might find her.
In your dream, you remember when she first came to you. You remember when she stabbed you through the chest and ironically, how she saved your life by granting you death. You recall the invasion of Soul Society – everything that you did was for her. You never had the courage to tell her how you felt and even when she lay gasping for breath and blood poured from her wounds, you still couldn't get the words out and reassured yourself that she would live. Funny how you could face Ulquiorra and Aizen head on yet you couldn't even tell her your feelings.
The smirk on his face irritates you greatly. "Have you no feeling?!" You scream to your inner hollow but he nonchalantly shrugs, "Like I care." You feel overwhelming rage and you grip Zangetsu even harder, determined to make sure he knows why you are the king and he is the horse. "So what if you couldn't save that Shinigami?! Get over yourself!" He shouts. And somehow that takes your mind off of her for the first time as you focus on beating him to a pulp.
It's been months and there is less of a weight every day. You've slowly come out of the wall you built yourself the day you returned from that battle. Her face is still alive in your mind, her raven black hair and the violet eyes that held so much strength. You remember once contemplating suicide but now you know you'll keep on living. If not for yourself, then you'll keep living for her. You have to make the most of the life she gave to you. Ever since the day you met her until her death, she's sacrificed for you. She took the blow that was meant for you when you were protecting your family from a hollow and gave you the power to fight. Once again she appeared in front of you when Aizen aimed his sword at your heart. You could never have repaid her in your lifetime and you accept it now. You can move on with her memory guiding you along the way.
You wonder if there may be a place that Shinigamis go when they die. And if she's happy where she is. You wonder if she's looking over you because when times are bad, you can still remember her Chappy drawings and somehow, that can now bring a smile to your face. If there is such a place as a haven for death gods, then you give her your best wishes and you welcome the day you can join her.
"I love you. I love you Rukia."You can now whisper and you hope the wind is enough to carry the sound of your voice to her ears.