Disclaimer: Dragon Ball and all its characters were created by Akira Toriyama.
Author's Note: To Yaji's Girl, since I owe ya' something twisted to read without using the Google-Translate thing. Enjoy!
"Oh Kami, at HER age!"
(Quien lo diría… ¡y a su edad!)
An Uranai Baba Crack!fic
by
Esplandian
Colonel Yellow was a born leader, with superb people skills and a cheerful, solar disposition. He was eloquent, and every sentence articulated by his tiger voice was as clever and intricate as the pirouettes that he drew when flying his light combat aircraft. Colonel Yellow had a knack for good joking, it was easy to find him if you followed the trail left by the raucous laughter that invaded the Red Ribbon's headquarters.
"How revolting ..." General Blue would never openly admit it amused him. He took up his fork, picked up an elegant little finger, and continued with the consumption of his salad.
The reference to organ trafficking and human experiments was inappropriate, but even the phlegmatic Colonel Silver twisted the corner of his mouth slightly after recognizing the blatant parody of the scientist who led the technological projects of the Red Ribbon Army.
The repetitive, obsessive ramblings of Doctor Gero plagued with references to the universal order, the number Pi, perfection, and the unintelligible "blah blah blah" he exhaled when dealing with the activation of the "Project" Metallic, was the main reason as to why several RR officials were suspicious about the skill (and mental health) of the scientist.
For the comfort of the notorious Dr. Gero, the affable General White (well-known for his high ethylic tolerance and his love for guns and taxidermist decoration) firmly believed in his project and said it would be a wonderful addition to his future Muscle Tower. His closest subordinate, Sergeant Mayor Purple Ninja Murasaki, expressed his full support along the following lines: "It will be awsome, just like those old Sci-Fi movies. Will he be able to say Peace and Love?".
The icy landscape in which the tower stood did not bother him too much: the proximity of human contact did. Dr. Gero, a recluse by nature, was forced to live with four other individuals, particularly with General White, and Ninja Murasaki.
In his opinion, Colonel Violet did not count as what he called 'substantive human interaction', much less with a double mission as an in-between. Despite her disgusting habit of chewing bubblegum for the equivalent of a consecutive 72 hours lapse, he regarded her highly for her effectiveness when tracking the materials needed to build the android.
"I'll name my firstborn after you if this hulk even moves."
"Taking into account my stratospheric technical expertise in robotics, and your frequent escapades with 'We-Know-Who', I estimate that the chance of synchronized occurrence of both events is up to 100%. For your convenience, call him Pi in honor of my favorite number, or Pigero if you fancy something longer."
In the years that the colonel worked under his service, the scientist had never, ever seen her show a hint of uncertainty, much less cough because of her ever-present-chewing-gum.
"Oh Kami, at HER age!" said the doctor, just before returning to the elaborate mechanical brain that he was tinkering with.
# # #
The old Crane Master remembered how he nearly melted when she whispered him, suggestively, that they were 'astrologically matched' and that his brother Roshi had no say in this matter because it was none of his damn business. Thereafter, Uranai Baba and Tsuru Sennin shared much more than his love for martial arts viewing and a cup of steaming hot tea.
"Tsuru, I have to admit that your student Tenshinhan is skilled in combat, but he is old enough to have a girlfriend, I advise you to have 'The Talk' with the boy."
"He needs training, which is why I brought him here to practice with your supernatural warriors. The last things he needs are 'distractions' such as those of the Perversion Master you have for a brother. Instead, my little brother Tao never had a need nor a care for such things," Tsuru had always prided himself on the careful upbringing he had procured to his younger brother, "and he has turned into a respectable, successful, well-adjusted world-renowned professional ... Chiaotzu, get your hands out of that pond this instant or you will have a special training session with Mercenary Tao Pai Pai!"
The poor child abandoned his children's games at the sole mention of the trisyllabic name. And Tenshinhan, barely thirteen, continued having nightmares and recurring flashes of the "World Famous" Introductory Course.
"These kids have it easy; no doubt I've mellowed with age."
The fortune teller knew about Tsuru's twisted perspectives, which included his interest in grimoires of arcane, dark subjects and downright evil fighting techniques. But there were some subjects that remained taboo, such as the comparison of younger siblings.
"By the holy horns of Enma Daioh Sama! Now it seems that your brother is a 'well-adjusted' professional assassin, while my dear brother Roshi is the 'Master of Martial Perversion."
"Oh, my beloved ... it's hard to believe that an exquisite beauty like yourself shares blood ties with such a..."he consciously tried to omit the epithet usually attached to Roshi's persona whenever it prompted into a conversation. After almost three centuries of continuous … Courtship? ...Dating? Or whatever the hell that was ... he understood the strong, moody, swing-like temperament of his magical rose-haired 'damsel' and sweetheart.
The witch extended her plate. With an authoritarian spell of her wrinkled hand, as a clear testament of the power of her dark magic, came a winged demon with a tray of colorful desserts.
The impressive demon Akkuman served a cupcake to Uranai Baba, and estimated that the heart of a malevolent, liar, and overall jerk such as the Crane Master Tsuru was a real and rare delicacy. An order to strike him directed by his mistress was everything he expected ... avidly…
Author Notes:
This is not the finest, yet it is the funniest I've written so far. XD
I know the English here might sound odd, but translating from Spanish to English is a bit more complicated than the other way around.
Reviews, criticism, flames, declarations of love, marriage proposals, trolling and SPAM are very much appreciated.