Celebrity Deathmatch

Chapter 1

What happens when two undersea cartoon characters battle to the death?

Who really deserves to be called game of the year?

Which Christmas icon is tougher

Find out tonight on Celebrity Deathmatch!

"Hello fight fans I'm Bren Tenkage," Bren said, he was lean with long black hair, and dressed in a black tshirt, jeans, and sneakers.

"And I'm Russell Figgins" Russell said, he was dressed the same, only with a blue shirt, and his hair wasn't that long. "Tonight we have several fights lined up that will answer questions on everyone's mind."

"That's right Russ," Bren replied. "Our first fight pit's loveable talking sponge Spongebob Squarepants against Disney Mermaid Ariel. We're calling it 20,000 Deaths Under the Sea"

"Our second fight has God Of War's Kratos squaring off against Red Dead Redemptions John Marston," Russell added. "And finally, our main event will finally end the age old debate, Santa or Jesus."

"That's right fight fans, we have the son of god, trading blows with old saint nick." Bren said, "Now lets get into our first fight of the night."

"It all started when Spongebob crashed a birthday party Ariel was performing at," Russell said, "Roll the clip."

The clip showed Ariel singing front of about 30 kids, as she kept singing she didn't notice Spongebob coming up behind her. He grabbed her by the hair, and slammed her face repeatedly into the ground. He does this for several more seconds before police pull him away.

"Lets go down to the ring with Justin Wyatt who will brief our fighters on the rules." Bren said. "For this fight we set up a large fish tank, complete with castle, rocks, and a treasure chest"

Justin Wyatt was dressed in an old fashioned diving suit, Spongebob and Ariel were both lowered in the tank from opposite sides.

"Ok, I want a good clean fight, no hitting below the belt, and no hitting below where your opponent becomes another species," he said. "No, annoying laughter, and no singing. Now lets get it on!"

"The kids don't wanna see some scantily clad skank past her prime!" Spongebob shouted, before grabbing Ariel by the hair and kicking her in the face with his knee. "They wanna see me, a cute talking sponge who-"

Ariel smacked him with her tail, sending him flying back into the glass wall. Going over to the chest the mermaid opened it and pulled out a large fishing hook.

"And Ariel goes for a weapon!" Bren said. "This could change the whole shape of the match."

"Or Spongebob," Russell added.

"Where do you get off saying I'm past my prime?" she said, swinging the hook as Spongebob stood up, ripping a piece of his body off, blood began trickling into the water. "I'm a household name, I've done movies. All you've done is a stupid spin off to your immature show."

Swinging the hook again Ariel barely missed as Spongebob rolled out of the way, before grabbing a handful of her hair.

"Oh, you mean that piece of singing crap, and the shitty sequel?" he asked sarcastically, before he started swinging the mermaid around his head.

"Spongebob taking Ariel for a ride," Bren said.

"Lets hope she doesn't blow chunks," Russell added. At that second Ariel's hair finally let go, causing her to go flying into the glass, smashing against it, causing cracks to appear. Not wasting any time Spongebob went to the chest and pulled out a harpoon, drawing back he hurled it like an Olympic athlete. The harpoon surged through the water, impaling Ariel through the stomach, and going clean through her, and the glass and going on to impale Don King who was in the audience.

"Truly this…. Is a…. wonderful…. Fight." he said, before falling over dead.

"Who is that guy?" Bren asked.

"I think its Buckwheat," Russell replied.

"I've had enough of this messing around," Spongebob said. "It's time to end this!"

Swimming up to the top the talking Sponge climbed up into the rafters, seconds later a light fell down into the tank. Electricity surged through the glass enclosure.

"Well Russ I think this fight is over," Bren said, as the water started to bubble from the electricity.

"No wait look!" Russell replied, pointing to the ring they watched as Ariel stood up, covered in cuts from the glass as she crawled out, her fish tail was replaced by human legs. "This match isn't over yet."

Spongebob leaped from the rafters, and crashed down on Ariel, unfortunately, her body punched a hole through him. Grabbing him with both hand the redhead quickly ripped her opponent in half.

"That has to be the end of it Russ," Bren said.

"No, wait, look!" Russ replied, as Spongebob's halves started to grow back, until there were two Spongebobs.

"Get her!" one of them shouted, before they started beating on her together. When they were finished, Ariel was a purple and blue mess on the floor.

"Spongebob Squarepants is the winner!" Justin said, raising both Spongebob's hands.

"As we prepare for our next bout lets take you back to how this whole matter came to be-" Bren said, as Russell interrupted him.

"Hold on partner something's going on backstage!" Russell said, "Lets get a camera back there!"

Jesus and Santa were in each other's faces.

"You wants some of me you Coke guzzling fat ass!" Jesus said, shoving Santa backwards.

"Bring it on hippy!" Santa exclaimed, before tackling Jesus to the ground and started punching him in the face, before Jesus forced him off and began kicking him in the head over and over. They fought back and forth for several minutes until security restrained them.

"Looks like our main event is starting early," Bren said.

Santa and Jesus approached the center of the ring where Justin stood, now back in his referee gear.

"I want a good clean fight, no elves, and no acts of divine intervention," he said. "Now lets get it on!"

Jesus ripped away his robe to reveal a blue wrestling singlet and sneakers. Grabbing a handful of Santa's beard Jesus pulled his face down and slammed it against his knee several times.

"How's my knee taste old man?" he asked, kneeing him in the face again. "It doesn't taste like milk and cookies does it?"

Santa quickly elbowed his opponent in the stomach, forcing him to release his beard, and followed that up with an uppercut that sent Jesus flying out of the ring. The crowd cheered as Santa jumped up on the turnbuckle.

"Santa's gonna fly!" Bren said. As the icon for Christmas prepared to leap, a strong pair of hands grabbed his ankles and yanked him off, causing him to crash to the mat. Standing up, Santa turned around and came face to chest with a tall, and extremely muscular blond guy dressed in a red muscle shirt, jeans, and combat boots, black sunglasses covered his eyes.

"Uh…. Can I help you-" Santa was cut off by a right hook that sent him staggering back into the turnbuckle.

"That was for not bringing me the bike I wanted when I was 5, and this is for not bringing me the playboy blowup doll I wanted when I was 7," Duke said, before punching him in the gut. "This ones for the underwear and socks I got instead of the twin magnums I wanted when I was 11."

Santa's voiced went high-pitched after Nukem kicked him in the sack twice, before he started hitting him with a flurry of lefts and rights. As the beating commenced Jesus climbed back in the ring and made his way over.

"Hey thanks for softening him up for me buddy," Jesus said, pushing Duke aside. "I'll handle it from here-"

He was cut off, as Duke punched through his lower back and pulled Jesus' spine and skull out through his back. Santa saw, through his remaining eye, Duke was distracted, he made it three steps out of the corner, before the burley hero smashed his head to pieces with Jesus' skull, swinging it like a mace.

"Look here buddy, you can't just come in here and-" Justin said, but a glare from Duke stopped him. "I mean… uh… Duke Nukem is the winner!"

"Your damn right I am!" Duke said, before, a hand burst through his stomach and was followed by another. Duke was lifted up off and feet and ripped in half by….. Jesus!

"How the hell did you come back to life?" Justin asked, scratching his head.

"I'm Jesus," he replied. "I can do anything."

"Works for me," Justin said, raising Jesus' hand. "Jesus is the winner!"

"Well it looks like our question was answered," Russell said, causing Bren to look at him.

"What question?" Bren asked.

"Who would win in a fight between Santa and Jesus," Russell said. "Answer, Duke Nukem, then Jesus."

"Now its time for our main event," Bren said. "Earlier we had the fighters decide how they wanted to decorate the ring. John Marston picked a saloon, Kratos picked an armory."

"We couldn't decide which was better so we used both," Russell added, half of the ring had a saloon bar with a shelf containing bottle of alcohol and liquor. The other half had racks of weapons and armor. Marston stood at the bar and downed a shot of whisky, while Kratos looked over the weapons.

"Fill me up partner," Marston said, as the barkeep refilled his glass.

"This could easily cave his skull in," Kratos mumbled, holding up a heavy mace, before picking up a spear. "But; this could cut through his spinal column in one thrust."

Justin stepped in the ring and called the fighters to the center.

"Ok fellas lets get it on!" Justin said, as the bell rang.

"You should get a good pair of boots," Marston said, before stomping on Kratos' foot, breaking it easily. "Otherwise something like that'll happen-"

He was cut off by Kratos grabbing him by the shirt collar and head butting him, causing his nose to erupt in a gusher of blood.

"You should wear less clothes," he said. "Otherwise something like that will happen."

Kratos quickly moved behind the dazed Marston and pulled the cowboy's pants down, and shoved him. Marston pin wheeled his arms in a failed attempt to regain his balance but; fell face first.

"The ol Head butt and pantsing maneuver," Bren said. "I haven't seen that since Billy Hatcher took on the Chicken From Outer Space."

"It looks like Marston has regained his feet," Russell said, as Marston stood and pulled his pants up.

"Now where'd that side winding snake get to?" he asked himself, looking around. As he turned around Kratos jammed the Blade of Athena through his body, yanking it free he watched as Marston's body fell to the mat.

"Kratos is the-" Justin began, but; was cutoff by a loud moaning. Both turned to see a dead, and decaying John Marston standing up.

"Oh my god!" Bren exclaimed. "John Marston has come back as a zombie!"

"How could we have forgotten about Undead Nightmare?" Russell added. "He came back as a zombie at the end of it!"

The zombie Marston staggered over and, before Kratos could react, took a bite out of his shoulder, and ripped off a huge chunk of meat.

"You'll pay for that," he said, as he started stabbing Marston with the Blades of Chaos repeatedly.

"That's not doing much damage Russ," Bren said.

"Of course it isn't," Russell said. "You have to shoot him in the head!"

Kratos stopped and look up at the booth.

"Shoot him in the head?" Kratos mumbled, before shoving Marston back he ran over to the bar and reached over the counter, pulling out a Winchester repeater. "Time to die, again!"

"Kratos is taking aim," Bren said. "But wait! He's holding it backwards."

Kratos pressed the trigger with his thumb, causing the gun to go off, taking half of his head with it. John Marston fell onto Kratos' body and began to eat it.

"John Marston is the winner!" Justin said. "But; I ain't touching him, he might bite me."

"Well folks for Celebrity Deathmatch I'm Bren Tenkage,"

"And I'm Russell Figgins,"

"Saying good fight goodnight,"

END CHAPTER 1

NEXT WEEK

The Angry Beavers VS Ren and Stimpy

Sonic the Hedgehog VS Mario

Peter Griffin VS Homer Simpson VS Cleveland Brown VS Stan Smith