Disclaimer: I don't own Stargate Atlantis, if I did, a LOT would be different. All rights to their respective owners, etc..
A/N: I wrote this like 2 years ago so it's not my best work, however I did have a read through and I don't think it turned out TOO badly. This was my first fic I ever wrote... enjoy!
Elizabeth sat back in her office chair, her arms folded tightly across her chest. She let out an exasperated sigh, hanging her head. Why? Why was she feeling like this? She knew the rules – well, her own personal ones – never date your subordinates, and it was damn well clear that what she was feeling wasn't exactly 'appropriate'. Elizabeth squeezed her eyes shut tight. Nothing seemed to make sense to her anymore, things had change and she wasn't sure whether it was for the better or worse. She knew she shouldn't be feeling this way. If things escalated and someone back on Earth found out, she would be instantly out of her job. Or worse yet, he could be transferred, away from Atlantis, his home. Away from me... Elizabeth snapped her head up, quickly dismissing the thought. No! This wasn't about her. She couldn't jeopardise the city, his part in the whole expedition had saved them too many times.
Elizabeth propped her elbows up on the desk, resting the bottom of her chin in her palms. She concentrated on her breathing for a few moments, trying to distract herself from her perilous thoughts. She glanced around her office, taking in the laptop in front of her, the stacks of mission reports on her desk. She looked at the wooden pot he had given her for her first birthday in Atlantis; that pot that had its rightful place on the corner of her desk only for her to hold some memories by, memories that centred on a particular Colonel of the Air Force. Elizabeth shook her head again. She had to stop thinking about him! She had to stop thinking about that messy black hair that seemed untameable; those deep brown eyes that met her green ones; that cheeky schoolboy smile that always made her heart flutter... Elizabeth groaned aloud and massaged her temples almost to the point of where the action was growing painful. Anyone could see that she was growing weary of the whole situation.
"For crying out loud Elizabeth, you're acting like a teenager with her first crush!" she scolded herself, determined now to focus on something else. In the end, she stared at her desk, seemingly marvelling at the craftsmanship. Her eyes drifted over it a few times before settling on the left corner furthest from her. She immediately thought of John. That was where he usually sat, perched at the end of the desk when he wanted something he knew he would have to sweet talk her into. The thought of him made her smile contentedly, making her temporarily forget about the reports that were waiting for her to read.
Elizabeth sighed again. She obviously wasn't going to stop thinking about him any time soon. She decided to stop being so smitten about the whole thing, and decided to focus on the more... difficult parts of their relationship. The parts that prevented her from just going where her heart wanted to go so badly.
Technically, she wasn't actually breaking her rules; there was just a number of growing feelings involved that shouldn't be. But she couldn't just ignore those feelings. That much was abundantly clear now as those unspoken feelings had developed to the point where she couldn't help but think about him every few seconds.
Elizabeth was trying to clear her thoughts. She inhaled deeply for a few moments, before sighing in frustration, folding her arms and placing them on the desk in front of her. She rested her head gently on her forearms and her eyes fluttered closed. She began to think about just how things had happened. How she had come to realise her true feelings for him, discovering for herself that this thing between them was more than an attraction, it something deeper that made her heartbeat quicken and her soul feel alive. Admittedly, there was a connection between them from the start, a bit like an animal attraction. It wasn't until the end of their third week in the great city that she began to realise that what they had was deeper than an attraction.
It was when the Stargate had engaged and they were awaiting his team's arrival. Elizabeth was already worried at that point; she had received by radio that an alien bug had attached itself to John's neck. Ford was unable to remove it despite his best efforts, and then the jumper got stuck halfway through its return to the 'gate. There was no way they could get back through at the time, and the bug was slowly killing John. Elizabeth had never felt more distraught in her entire life. It was later, when they were safely back in Atlantis and she had been called to the jumper bay that she truly realised her feelings for him. When she had seen his body lying there, with Carson trying to resuscitate him, she had to fight to hold back her tears. This man meant so much to her, it was strange really, that it had taken until that moment for her to apprehend it; stranger even that her heart was yearning for him after such a short time of knowing him.
Of course, after that their relationship and their bond just kept growing. Like all people, they had their ups and downs, but it only made them stronger in the end. The incident with the Genii had only increased their chemistry and feelings for each other further. It was when she saw the emotion in John's eyes after he had rescued her from Kolya that she understood he felt the same things for her as she did for him. When he had taken her hand and led her back to the control room, she had never felt safer, more secure with a single person than she had in a long time.
It was only a few months after that when the Wraith's siege on Atlantis began. So much happened in those few days; it made Elizabeth finally understand the extent of her feelings for John. When she had reluctantly approved of his suicide mission, she had nearly broken down in tears. She was sending the man that made her whole to his death; the man that had made her appreciate so many things in life; the man who had taught her how to love. Just watching the dot on the sensors that indicated him broke her heart. When she thought he had died, she felt her heart shatter into a million pieces. She just wanted to curl up and die so that she could be with him again. It was only a few minutes later that Elizabeth heard his voice over the radio, all her hopes that had been diminished made her come back to life, made her feel, made her want to tell him exactly how much he meant to her. But when it came to it, words just couldn't express how she felt. It was all she could do to lock her eyes with his without breaking down in tears, before pulling him into an embrace that conveyed just the turmoil her heart had been without him, with the uncertainty of whether she would be able to see him just one last time.
It was from that moment onwards that she knew she loved this man more than anything in the world, and that she would do anything for him.
Elizabeth sighed once more, standing up from her desk and pacing around her office. It was late, way past two in the morning, and she knew she needed to sleep. She needed to sleep on the clot of emotions building up in her heart, to once more keep them on hold until the morning before that inner battle and restraint began once more. Closing her eyes and breathing in deeply, she stepped out of her office on the way to her quarters.
She paused outside John's room and pondered whether she should knock. She wondered what would happen if he answered, and just how he would react if she kissed him there and then; if she could feel his body pressed to hers, be able to voice the extent of her inner feelings and stay wrapped in his embrace until the morning, just what would happen then?
Smiling slightly to herself, Elizabeth continued walking to her room. One can only dream.
A/N2: There are 2 more chapters to come up, there WILL be a happy fluff filled ending! Please review, it feeds my muse. :]