Title: that howlin' wind
Author: Shannon
Rating: PG
Pairing: Teyla/Zelenka, technically, though it's far more Teyla and team focused.
Warning/Spoilers: Character death; second season.
Summary: Sometimes, there are things you can't tell.
A/N: For missyvortexdv in last year's Teyla Ficathon. Prompts used were Teyla/Radek (relationship or friendship) and Teyla/Ford (friendship). Thanks to alaira for the beta.

that howlin' wind

Afterwards, when Dr Weir sends her to Dr Heightmeyer (sorry teyla we need you okay you need you okay), Teyla is unable to relax. She clenches her toes in the Atlantis-issue boots, lays her hands flat on the chair arms and smiles serenely. She feels as she did the first night she lost her (father's) people to the Wraith (deep breaths deep breaths do not let it show do not let them know).

"Do you think you could have done anything different?" Kate asks, watching as her hands do not jump from the chair arm, to her skirt, to each other.

She straightens her back, leans in slightly, and looks down at her lap. "No," she sighs. "There was nothing." (i am fine)

Her hands twitch.

She sleeps, sometimes, without fear, without dreams (nightmares). Like the Wraith, the dreams have been forever present in her life. Like the Wraith, she fights them – or forgets them. But, like with the Wraith, sometimes she can't.

On those nights, she slides out of her bed, and crosses the floor to the small pile of belongings sitting on a shelf: a leather band, a beaded necklace and a square piece of deep blue cloth. Her father's band is for when she needs strength; the first piece of cloth Charin helped her dye, for when she needs wisdom; and her mother's necklace for the nights when they are not enough and she needs the memory of a warm embrace, a comforting smile (a soft voice sings of the ancestors).

Tonight, she takes all three. She returns to her bed and sits, closing her eyes, breathing deep in the way Charin taught her.

Radek joins her at four. He sits beside her and she leans against him, eyes still closed, but breathing him in now too. He is tired, she knows, working long tonight. But his hands reach up, stroking her hair softly, trailing down her shoulders.

"I am surprised you don't talk with Dr Heightmeyer," he says quietly, grasping her hand and squeezing gently. "It has worked before."

"I attend my appointments," she replies carefully.

He smiles and shakes his head. "But you don't talk." His hand returns to her hair. "Why not this time?"

She stiffens slightly. (don't tell them i broke please tell them i'm sorry) "It is different."

"And McKay and Colonel Sheppard?"

There is no response.

She trains with Ronon the next day. She strikes, he blocks; he hits, she spins away. They are fast and fierce but without anger. They end up hot and sweaty, laughing and teasing.

It is not different.

Colonel Sheppard watches from the door as they finish. He strides (stalks) into the room, a pair of sticks in hand, and she knows this will not end well.

They begin with a bow, staring at each other. He lunges forward and their sparring (fight) is on. He lunges, she dodges and swipes. He lands the first blow and she responds seconds later. Ronon watches impassively from the side as they go on and on, the clacks of the sticks and their grunts the only sounds to be heard.

Then with a quick strike of her sticks, she knocks him to the ground and onto his back. She bends over, blocking him with them - keeping him there.

"He was just a kid," he hisses, leaning forward, face inches from hers.

"I know," she whispers (and knows and knows and hurts).

Radek takes her to the mainland. When she questions the rest and all the work he has, he places a finger to her lips and shushes her. "It is fine, Teyla. I have cleared it with Dr Weir. You need your people."

She is welcomed with wide arms and smiles. They exclaim over her clothes and her hair. Halling simply murmurs that he is glad to see her, but the brightness in his eyes tells her more.

Jinto has grown half her hand span in the month since she last saw him.

That night, there is laughter and dancing and she repeats the tales of the Ancestors to the children. They sing and cheer and eat and Teyla has not felt as free and relaxed in weeks.

After, in the warmth of the night, she curls against a half-drunk Radek. "Thank you," she murmurs.

He snores.

Dr McKay stands in the centre of the room, staring blankly at the devices placed around, glancing occasionally at the life-signs detector. Colonel Sheppard snipes at him every so often, but there is no drive behind his words. Behind any of their words.

It is their first mission together since and everything is wrong. Dr McKay is not rapidly expressing every theory he possibly could. Colonel Sheppard is not jokingly teasing him. She jumps at every sound. Only Ronon is calm.

"You need to work this out," he says gruffly now, watching her from the opposite side of the entrance.

She turns away from the others as Dr McKay begins yelling (screaming shouting begging).

They do. And soon.

The gym is cold (skin still warm so warm not warm). Teyla sits and tries to calm her body, mentally checking through each part, watching Colonel Sheppard slouch against the opposite wall while Dr McKay taps at his computer.

"Where's Ronon?" Colonel Sheppard says suddenly, crossing his arms.

"Probably not coming," Dr McKay replies abruptly, looking up from the computer. He sighs loudly at it before returning to his typing.

"Why not? He called the damn thing."

"Probably decided he doesn't want to contend with you," McKay mutters. Teyla closes her eyes briefly.

"What was that, McKay? I didn't quite hear what you said."

"I was just saying that he probably doesn't want to have to talk to you right now, given the incredibly ignorant asshole you've been the past month."

Colonel Sheppard pushes away from the wall and stalks towards him. "Shut up, McKay."

Dr McKay stares at him. "No, I'm sick of this and someone needs to tell you. We need to sort this out. Just because Ford died and you couldn't do anything doesn't mean you can take it out on everyone else."

"I couldn't do anything, McKay, because he was already dead when we got there." His hand clenches and Teyla takes a deep breath. "I wonder why that was." He raises his eyes to meet hers and she stares back.

Dr McKay glances between them. "Don't be stupid, Colonel."

She slowly stands, eyes still locked on his. "We do need to talk, Colonel Sheppard."

"What's there to talk about? I think you've already said enough."

She frowns. "We have barely spoken."

"You shot him, Teyla!" She flinches and his voice drops. "That says it all. You gave up, Teyla. There still could've been a ch-"

(teyla it hurts oh god it hurts please)

"No!" she yells. John stares at her, stunned into quiet.

Her voice hardens, but she speaks softly and quickly. "There was no chance, Colonel Sheppard. We had none of the Wraith enzyme and he was dying. It is a painful death, John, you know that as well as I. There was no other way."

Dr McKay has paled. "She's right, Colonel. He would have suffered a lot more." He swallows. "You would've done the same. Even I would."

Colonel Sheppard stares at the two of them, face frozen, lips firmly pressed together. She takes a step towards him. "John, he… asked me to do it. He held no grievance towards us – towards you. Just requested that we would forgive him." (i'm sorry i'm sorry) She pauses and smiles sadly, glancing at the ground and then back up. "I told him there was nothing to forgive; that it was the Wraith we could not forgive for doing this to him."

Still he is quiet, but his lips relax and he nods. "No one else knows," he says, gazing carefully at her.

"That was his wish."

"He'll get it." He straightens and his hands brush his sides. "I'm going to talk to Elizabeth and Beckett." He turns around and heads to a door, before pausing. "Thank you, Teyla. McKay," he says, glancing back briefly at her, a corner of his mouth curving up. He leaves.

She and Dr McKay can only smile tiredly.

She writes a letter: about him, to him, from him. Then she stands on the eastern pier of Atlantis, and throws it to the sea. Watching it sink, she whispers a prayer to the Ancestors. And then she turns and leaves, feeling lighter than she has in weeks.

Later, when Radek sees her, his smile is bright.

"Where I come from, we got a little saying. Stuff happens. It's a little different, but you didn't mean for this to happen, did you?"

So is hers.