Trying not to love you
It was hard for him even now. He hated her a little bit of course he did. But what was worse was that a large part of him loved her, loved her as a sister, loved her as more than that. When he first met her, he'd liked her she was lively and in a weird way reminded him of his mom. She was so into music and was always smiling and laughing. This made him feel normal again. She was only six months younger than him so they had a lot in common, and they became friends.
The thing between them had happened so slowly, so naturally that it didn't feel wrong, not at first; if he was honest with himself he still didn't feel that it was wrong. The first kiss between them happened at a camp- out in their backyard; their parents had already gone back to bed, and he had been playing the guitar as the fire died down she had been singing along and he had leaned over and kissed her. He kissed her not the other way round that's why he can't blame her.
It just progressed from there. But not seedily like a real relationship, they even went on dates- they just kept the pda behind closed doors. And he was happy for the first time since his mom died.
And then it happened he got a letter. A letter detailing what her real dad had done to her, why her parents had split and how he was just as bad for continuing the cycle. It was unsigned. He had confronted her and asked her was it real, was it true. Was he just abusing her like her dad? She had cried and tried to talk him round. She had told him she loved him for the first time; they had continued their relationship for a while but he just couldn't get the feelings of guilt to dissipate.
They had both cried when he had tried to end it, and he wished he was stronger but he kept being pulled back to her and it wasn't fair on her. He knew she was still in love with him and returning her kisses and returning to her bed just made it harder on the both of them. He was being cruel to be kind. And now the real her was being lost behind snark and cruelness that hid how sad she was, how lonely she felt, and he heard her crying once about how she felt that her Dad's abuse had marked her forever and that no-one would truly love her. It killed him that she felt like that, that she didn't realise that he was holding her at arms length, helping her find a healthy relationship because her he cared about her. He was trying not to love her for her own good.