Heero and Relena v.s. Mary-Sue
Author: Freya
Disclaimer: GW belongs to those other... people.
Warnings and such: This is NOT meant to be an anti-Relena story; it's just my play on the whole Stalker!Relena thing. Don't take this fic seriously (gosh I sure say that a lot) It's just to make you laugh. Humor, filthy language, violence and a bitchy OC's dead ahead!
A/N: Since I'm not anti-Relena, there'll be no real hits on her. Everything's just humor on her part. My hate goes out to Mary-Sue! -nodnod-
And so it begins... AC 197... Heero and Duo.... strolling through the park on a stupidly romantic day.
"Yo, Heero! Blondie at ten o'clock," Duo hissed to his lover while pulling Heero roughly behind a bush with him. It was done so quickly that Heero didn't have time to specify whom Duo was referring to. They knew plenty of 'blondies.'
He took a peak through the bush to confirm exactly which blondie his braided wonder was talking about.
Relena.
Oh the... horror? Uh...
"Thanks. I'm not really in the mood to hear any preaching about world peace or hair treatment today." It was true. Relena did have a thing for bringing up the comb and hair conditioner subject with the Yuy (who could blame her?) But hey, hiding his butt from that is what a good boyfriend was for, right? Duo was so cute when he was being mischievous.
"It's fun hiding from her." Duo snickered at his little remark. He loved hiding from others, just so he'd have to power to see what they were doing without them knowing what he was doing; or even knowing that he was there. "It kinda grows on you."
"Yes it does." Heero responded while attempting to snuggle his mate.
That lasted for less than five seconds though.
"Does what?" Heero and Duo flinched abruptly as soon as those words fell from the lips of their spontaneous third party. That particular party... being none other than Relena of course. She just magically appeared out of nowhere. Why? Because she's rich, that's why. Money in their time period bought magical powers. "Were you hiding from me, Heero?"
The dark haired boy just blinked... and blinked... and blinked... and realized that there was no humanly possible way to hide from Relena in a Stalker!Relena fic. He cussed to himself quietly and prepared for a four hour long speech as to why he shouldn't let dirt build up underneath his fingernails... or something. He was gonna spend those precious hours making out with Duo in private; maybe even in the nude if he was lucky.
"Relena," Heero started out; trying to think of the nicest way to make to make her go away. To his dismay, this was all he got: "go away."
"What're you doing this Friday?" she answered with a question as she probably would in any other story like this. "I thought maybe we could go to an opera."
"Hn." That was the only answer he could give. It's not as if he hated her; he just didn't like her choice in stuff to do. Poor girl was probably invited by some rich freakizoids and she couldn't back down. It was no wonder she didn't want to go alone. Heero was always first on her hero list (probably because it's in the name.) "Ask Milliardo."
"Humph." Relena turned her nose up and left at that crude remark. The girl could take a hint after all.
Well... this time she took the hint much too soon.
A monstrosity made itself known as soon as she was going to high-tail it out of there. Without meaning to, Heero and Duo would regret turning down Miss Relena Darlian Peacecraft. However... they were not the only victims in this... nasty little assault. Relena's ass was also on the line.
"HEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE-RO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! DUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUU-O!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
Oh it was so loud; so painful; Relena fell on her ass; Relena stared forward in panic. She thought Heero and Duo were killed. Instead... it was something way worse.
Something... unforgivable!
"Let....... go....... of....... me........ Mary," Heero choked out while a hyper-active, hyper-happy, hyper-pretty, hyper-intelligent, hyper-cute, and... you get the idea, girl, glomped the living bejesus out of him. Duo's luck with Mary's counter-part: Sue, wasn't much better.
"Oh-Heero-oh-Duo-you-look-so-cute-today-will-you-marry-us!!!!" The dynamic twosome from Hell said in a squeaky, satanic chorus of DOOM! Both boys shuddered at these half-naked Hellions, hoping that they're perfect 5'5, 110lb hour-glass bods would just leave the world forever. Of course, being cursed since birth, the two Gundam pilots never got what they wanted, did they?
"Excu-u-use me!" Relena screamed toward Mary and Sue while they kept annoyingly attempting to stare deep into Heero and Duo's perfect eyes; neither boy knowing what the hell to do. Relena wasn't even remotely as scary as this. Scratch that; Relena was a saint compaired to this.
Even more did Relena's eyes flare in rage at those two girls since they weren't even stalking Heero correctly. Hell, they weren't even stalking 'just' Heero. They were stalking Duo too. That wasn't right, not one bit.
"Ewww, it's that preppy-slutty-bitch that always steals Heero away from me!!!" Mary stated in rage toward Relena. Wasting no time, Mary charged up to Super Saiya-jin 6-full-blooded youkai-semi-animorph-giant-pure-hearted goddess form; complete with uber goth costume, a Jedi light saber, Link's hat, Kenshin's cool scar, Inuyasha's ears, shiny black hair down to her ass, perfect purple eyes, teeth like the sun, skin like the snow, lips like the rose, and an Eidolon summoners horn on her forehead. A scary Mary she is. Yeah, really scary. "DIE!!!"
But can Relena really die? Hell freaking no she won't die. Even though Mary called forth all of her Espers/Guardian Forces/Eidolons, hit Relena directly with the light saber, did Goku's ka-me-ha-me-ha wave, Vegeta's big bang attack, Yusuke Urameshi's rei gun, Miroku's kazaana, and so-forth, Relena stood there completely unscratched. The only thing noticeable was the huge scowl on her face.
"All the violence you attempt to inflict is sickening!" Relena stated fiercely.
"But... I'm the strongest being in the universe!!" Mary was devastated that the attacks she stole from a bunch of other animes and video games were not killing Relena. The looks she stole from the animes and video games weren't even intimidating the former world queen.
"Yeah yeah yeah... " Relena rolled her eyes and waited to be tickled once again by another kaze no kizu, courtesy of the bitch's fake-but-oh-so-much-alike version of Inuyasha's Tetsusaiga, that just happened to appear out of no where. Didn't these Mary-Sue weirdos realize that attacks from other animes do not work in Gundam Wing?
"Yo!" Duo shrieked out when Sue attempted to get a feel of his crotch. "That's just not right."
"Oh, but you're supposed to be tortured in fics? I'm supposed to comfort you through.... lo-o-ove making." Her eyelids fluttered oh so flirty like.
Duo threw up.
"Duo," Heero said with a bit of concern in his face. He tried walking up to his lover, but Mary stopped him in a tackle-glomp. Damn did he wish he still carried around a gun.
"Oh Hee-chan, we're going to have so many babies now that Relena's out of the picture."
"Erm... I'm not dead," Relena stated whilst watching that bitch torment her only victim. Heero was Relena's to torture; how dare these OC's disrupt the already fucked up balance of Gundam Wing fanfiction!??
That wouldn't be going on for too long though. Mary made a big mistake saying the horrid nick-name bequeathed upon Heero Yuy for no apparent reason... other than to make people think they're cool just because they know a few Japanese suffix's.
Fuck no! Mary-bitch crossed the line this time.
"Nobody..... not even Duo.... calls me..... HEE-CHAN!!!!!!!" Heero's angry aura began to flare all around the place. A thunderstorm started up randomly; there was an earthquake; a flood; some tornados; and a couple of volcanoes erupted. How Heero could do all of this you ask? Well... if Mary-Sue's can summon Eidolons....
"Is that.... what I think it is?" Duo asked, completely in shock of what he was seeing. In the flesh... if you could even call it that.... the former Gundam... known as Wing Zero.... rose from the ground. It had a greenish tint to it as well; kind of like how zombies look when they're fresh from the grave. This was Wing Zero's zombie, risen straight from six feet down under.
This gave the term "Raising Hell" a new meaning!
Heero had such a crazed and scary look on his face while he entered his gundam for the first time in three months. So crazied and scary, Relena and Duo decided to hold each other while their favorite enigma went stir crazy on Mary and Sue. Twas scary indeed, to see our beloved Yuy get so pissed.
"Die." The word fell from Heero's lips as if a black-hearted monster had possessed his body. Shinigami left Duo and went into Heero for a little while. Even if Heero did say he'd never kill anybody ever again, technically he wasn't. Mary-Sue's are made up characters from the non-GW creators after all.
The dark-haired teen thrust his beam cannon right down on the disgusting OC's so they'd be trapped inside of it's opening. Next thing we all knew, Heero blasted the little sucker right into the ground, as if to force Mary-Sue straight into Hell where she belonged. It was exciting; it was refreshing; it made Heero dead horny. So horny, that he sought out Duo as soon as he left his zombie Gundam and watched it ascend straight into heaven.
"I guess I'm not gonna be seme tonight," Duo stated jokingly as his temporarily psychotic boyfriend scooped him into his arms.
"You guessed right." And with that, they left, living happily ever after.
"Only I get to stalk you, Heero," Relena said as she rolled her eyes at Mary-Sue's corny pink limbo with yellow polka-dots. Now THAT was an annoying limo color; not even fit to be part of Trowa's circus.
End
A/N: Oh wow, just... oh wow. That was... interesting.... I think. Uh... reviews?