I still cannot believe it, I have gone over and over it in my head so many times. There must have been something I could have done. Maybe when he turned up at my home two months ago dressed in army uniform, I could have pleaded, begged harder for him not to leave me.
"Leave me" that phrase has a whole new meaning now. Before he was going for six months, he was going to be back in time for our wedding, but now he is not coming back. Now he has truly left me.
I couldn' believe that she has left me. Left me alone. She had even taken our beautiful baby girl with her. The reverend was looking at me and asking me what I wanted to call her. They needed to put the name on the cross that was to mark her grave. I wanted to name her Rose, but Abigail wanted Hannah. Before I knew what I was doing, I was telling the reverend that I wanted to call her Hannah. That's all I 'member that day, that's all I want to 'member.
I want to be able to respect the fact that he died doing something that he believed in, that we believed in, but I can't. All I feel is anger, but not towards the war, but towards him. How dare he propose to me, ask me to be his wife? Tell me he loves me and wants to be with me always, then leave me. How dare he? It had been hours since Thomas Lewis came to the house to tell me. He handed me the telegram and simply walked away. I was alone that afternoon, Father was at the hospital, he always was. That day was the first day that I have ever resented him for being there and not with me. His patients always needed him more, but not that day. That day I needed him, that day I was told that my finance David was dead.
It was some time after Thomas left that day till my mother returned home from Claudette's house and found me curled up in my bed holding the telegram that Thomas had handed me, and crying. Crying, that was all I could do. What else was there to do? The love of my life was dead, he was not coming back. Mother pulled the telegram from my hand and read it, then she held me, and told me that it would all be okay. How can she say that? Nothing will ever be okay. I will never be.
Charlotte was holding my hand and telling me that she knew that I was hurting, but one day I will be able to move on, and that it will beokay. It took all my will power not to turn 'round and scream at her. What does she know? I will never move on. I will never be ok.
Still mother sat with me that night and held me for hours and hours. It was not until late in the evening that father returned home. I was not sure of the time, I no longer had any interest in time, all I know is that it was dark outside, therefore it was late.
I don't know how long I wondered through the woods. Iwasn't interested in time anymore. As soon as I saw them lower my precious girls into the ground, I turned and ran. I did the same for a long time after that. got so' I didn't know the time, It always seemed dark so I guess it must o' be kinda late, or it was my soul that was dark.
It was much later that night when my father returned home. I remember hearing my mother and father talking in hushed voices, then I heard the heavy footsteps that belonged to my father ascend the stairs and approach my bedroom door. I pretended I was asleep. That night I didn't need to be told that it would be okay any more.
I recalled sitting on my chair in front of my mirror, in my bedroom on the day that should have been my wedding day. I looked at myself in the mirror as silent tears were falling down my cheeks. Once again all that was going through my mind was why did he had have to die. Why?
Rebecca had come into my room that day to try and comfort me, but all she kept telling was "it will be okay". All I wanted was for someone to say something to me other than it will be okay. When all I was thinking when I was sitting in my room was that I would never be okay, it would never be okay again.