Standing on the edge of Forever, at the start of Whatever
Ragnar dies! He sees Athelstan again! My way of dealing with the horror and heartbreak that was 0306.
This is my first and only attempt at writing Vikings fic. it's not the best thing ever written, but it's what I want for them. Because the alternative is just too damn sad.
Ragnar knew he was dead! There was no other explanation for it! He remembered the screaming all around him, fighting with… was it two or three?... soldiers and he thought he'd heard his brother call out a warning, he remembered hearing his name…
And now, he was standing, alone, on a shore, with the wind blowing in his face. A gentle summer breeze that brought with it scents and sensations that he had not felt since childhood.
So, he was dead, then! Was this Valhalla? It did not make any sense, where was Odin? Where were the golden halls? Where was the music? Surely the gods would grant him passage, he was…
And that's when he saw Athelstan. There wasn't even a hint of doubt in his mind, he knew the man like he knew his own heart, because they were the same. And walking towards him, smiling the most radiant of smiles, was his beloved priest, his Athelstan, his dearest, most trusted friend. A small voice in his head urged him to move forward, to run towards the man, run as fast as he possibly could, but he remained frozen. He could not move an inch.
How was this even possible? Athelstan had gone to Heaven! Ragnar had made sure of that. He had done everything that Athelstan had once taught him about Christian burials, followed every part of the ritual, had sat by the cross and cried until the sun set, knowing that nothing and no one would make him whole again.
And yet, here was Athelstan, coming towards him, eyes still bright, hair flowing in the wind like raven wings… Another, rather prominent part of Ragnar's anatomy, noted how Athelstan was still the most beautiful creature he had ever laid eyes on.
Why was Athelstan not in Heaven? Why was he here? What was this place? And just like that, the ache in his soul reached such an intensity that it threatened to overwhelm him, his body crying out that it would surely sink in eternal despair if it was not allowed to touch.
Ragnar willed his body to move, commanded his feet to run, but there was no need. When next he looked up, Athelstan was standing right in front of him, just like he had when last Ragnar saw him alive.
"Hello, Ragnar", Athelstan said, and his voice send pleasant shivers down Ragnar's back, finally hearing what he had not heard for so long.
"Athelstan!" And Ragnar felt his own voice tremble, just by saying the name out loud, and not shouting it out in his dreams, or whispering it as he cried.
His priest smiled at him still, the smiled he only saved for the people he loved.
"I have been waiting for you! Come, I have something to show you!"
He held out his hand, and Ragnar took one look at it, then back at Athelstan's big, bright eyes.
"What is this place? Where am I?"
"You are dead, Ragnar! You were killed in battle!"
That wasn't a good enough explanation. The Viking wrinkled his forehead a bit.
"So I should be with Odin, in Valhalla! And you, Athelstan, you should be in Heaven, with your God! Why are we here? I was under the impression that your god wouldn't look too kindly on my people after what we've done to the Christians!"
"This is not Heaven, nor Valhalla, Ragnar, merely…. A waiting area. I've been waiting for you!"
It dawned on Ragnar then, right there, that this really was Athelstan, he was not dreaming or imagining things, he was dead and Athelstan was here, smiling…
Before Athelstan could finish, Ragnar wrapped his arms around him and held him close, hugged him as tight as he possible could, burying his nose in the other man's hair, his hand moving up from Athelstan's back to his head to pull him even closer. Everything inside him was singing. Every part of his body, from head to toe, was coming back to life and he held on, feeling tears roll down his cheeks as Athelstan hugged him back, just as fierce.
"I have missed you so much, my friend!" Ragnar whispered in Athelstan's ear. "I thought I would never see you again, that you were gone forever. I was so mad, Athelstan, I was so mad at you for leaving me, my whole body ached… My friend... I am never letting you go!"
He straightened up a bit, fully aware now of the tears down his face and could not have cared less.
"I am never letting you go, Athelstan, ever again! I was so mad at you for going somewhere I could not follow. You, my John the Baptist, who would lead my way… I was so lost without you, but now, I am found, I am whole again…"
Athelstan nodded, his arms still around Ragnar's neck, with seemingly no intention of ever putting them down again.
"I know! I thought Heaven was where Paradise was, but... I was wrong. Paradise… My home, my place, both in life and in death, is with you, at your side, Ragnar! I told you once, do you remember, that it does not matter where I go… What matters to me, is where you're going!"
"I remember!" Of course he remembered, he remembered every word he and Athelstan had ever said to one another, from the moment they met. But he remembered those words for another reason as well. It was said right after he had told Athelstan that he loved him. It was said right before he last held his friend close to him. It was said mere hours before Athelstan was so brutally murdered.
"You have a choice, Ragnar Lothbrok, to enter Valhalla, to sit with your gods and dine with long lost friends, to see Odin, and Thor and Freya, and spend eternity there."
"Sounds like a sweet deal!" Ragnar smiled. "What is the other choice? Do I get to go to Heaven?"
And in a moment of absolute panic, he knew what this was about. He could go to Valhalla, could make the choice and be there in between heartbeats… but Athelstan would not be able to go with him. He belonged in Heaven. He was a Christian! He would see his old friends, but he would lose the one who held his heart. He would dine with the gods, but he would never again spend hours debating and discussing with Athelstan, forcing himself again and again, not to drown in the priest's remarkable eyes.
He took a step back, letting his arms drop from the fierce embrace. No, he could not do that! This was a choice he could not make. How could he possibly turn his back on the man he loved above everyone, now that they were finally together again?
"I can't make that choice", he said, almost in a whisper, "please, don't make me choose!"
Athelstan actually looked surprised, for a moment, as if he had not expected that answer. And then he smiled once more, his hand moving from Ragnar's neck to his cheek. The look in his eyes was so filled with love that Ragnar thought his heart would explode from it. He felt as if he would die, right here and now, if he had to say goodbye to Athelstan one more time. It was a silly notion, of course, because he was already dead, but it was still true, at least to Ragnar. He would crumble to dust without his priest.
"What would you do, if you were me?" he asked, knowing it was a cheap blow, to ask the man for help, but he honestly felt like he was falling and the only thing keeping him upright, was the look in Athelstan's eyes.
"I would follow my heart!" Athelstan answered, without hesitation.
"And what does your heart tell you?"
Athelstan stepped forward, closing the distance between them, his eyes open and honest as he said:
"I'm yours! With all my heart, with all my soul, with all my being…!"
Same words as before, same conviction, same devotion, and yet, every word felt different. Ragnar thought good and hard about it. Following his heart meant following Athelstan, wherever he went, which meant Heaven, and never again seeing his friends in Valhalla.
"Can't I just stay here with you?" he asked, hoping against all hope that the answer would be yes, that there was a way for them to stay together. But Athelstan shook his head slightly.
"I am merely here to guide you on your way, Ragnar. What happens next is up to you!"
But there was something in his eyes, something that made Ragnar pause yet again. Athelstan's words were true, yes, but his eyes… There was mischief in them. Barely noticeable to anyone who hadn't spent hours upon hours gazing into those eyes and knew every single thing there was to know about them, but Ragnar noticed. If he didn't know better, he would say that his priest was up to something.
"Athelstan", he said, a hint of curiosity in his voice, "what would happen if I said that I wanted to go to Heaven?"
"If, in your heart, you truly want to go to Heaven, you will go to Heaven!" Athelstan replied, the touch of mischief in his eyes making them twinkle like stars.
"And where will you be?"
"I will follow you… king Ragnar!"
"And what if… I said I wanted to go to Valhalla?"
"Then you would go to Valhalla!"
"And what about you?"
"Where you go… I will follow!"
Ragnar blinked. And blinked again. And then a third time.
"You will?"
"I am bound to you, Ragnar Lothbrok! I may be a free man, but my heart is forever a captive. I can never acknowledge your gods, my faith is restored in the lord Jesus Christ, that will never change, but… my love for you… is stronger… I find that I cannot be where you are not. I came here, expecting to walk through the Gates and… I found myself waiting here, instead. Waiting for an answer? Waiting for a reason? I do not know! I didn't until I saw you on the beach! That's when I knew… It was you! I had been waiting for you! Even in death, Ragnar, we belong together! Whether it is in heaven or Valhalla, it does not matter, as long as I am by your side."
Ragnar kissed him! There really wasn't anything else he could have done, so that's what he did. Kissing Athelstan the way he had always wanted to kiss him, with all the love and intensity that he had. And he praised every god he could think of when Athelstan immediately kissed him back, with just as much passion, pushing himself even closer to the blonde Viking, as if he was trying to crawl under his skin.
There was no way of telling how long they stood there together, on the beach, kissing, holding each other, time had no dominion over this place. Might have been an eternity, might have two heartbeats. It didn't matter. When they stopped, they were both smiling.
"I love you!" Athelstan said, simply and honestly. Ragnar nodded. He already knew that. He had always known. Taking a step back, he wrapped his arm around Athelstan's shoulders, the way he had done so many times before.
"Shall we?" he asked, excited now, in more ways than one.
Athelstan looked at him, his eyes bright as always.
"So… where are we going?" he asked, as they started to walk together, Ragnar's arm still wrapped around his priest, where it felt most at home. The Viking turned his head a bit and grinned.
"Does it matter?" he asked. Athelstan though about it for no more than a mere instant.
"No!" he said. "It does not!"
And they walked into eternity together!