Making the adjustment from angel to human is a big change and for a long while, it takes some getting used to. Luckily, the concept is not so foreign, having watched humans develop for centuries upon centuries. The base physical needs are easy to master, like remembering to eat, sleep, and use the bathroom. But other things, like emotions that he'd even had trouble dealing with as an angel, are even more complicated than usual. Before, he'd been able to distance himself from all of it if he so wished. Now that's not the case and he's faced with a decision on how to deal with them. He could be like Dean and ignore them or maybe be like Sam and attempt to talk about things. Either way, he suspects that the brothers aren't exactly good role models on handling feelings.
In the end, he ends up doing the same as Dean and refuses to talk about anything that's not related to a hunt or the task of putting the angels back in Heaven or getting his Grace back somehow. Which inevitably backfires on him majorly.
What starts the whole thing is silly, in retrospect. But the bundle of other things weighing him down is already nearly too much and he supposes that the incident is the metaphorical straw that breaks the camel's back, though he still doesn't understand what he has to do with such an animal.
He's in the kitchen helping clean up and is busy putting dishes away when one slips through his fingers and crashes to the floor. Dean pokes his head in upon hearing the commotion and goes to help. He gets the broom and sweeps up the broken pieces so neither of them accidently cut themselves and he stands there, inexplicably frustrated at himself.
The thing is, he's not as good at concealing his emotions as he may believe and Dean notices once he's finished cleaning up the mess.
"What's wrong Cas?"
"Nothing," he replies.
He knows that he's probably overreacting about the whole thing but lately it's been just one thing after another that goes wrong for him. Even from the littlest thing like a plate shattering to being deceived by Metatron and causing the fall of his brothers and sisters, he feels like it's too much. As an angel, things like this might not have seemed so overwhelming, but now with his newly attained mortality, it feels like there are so many broken things that are his fault.
He swipes at his watery eyes and looks away from Dean, hoping that he did it soon enough so the hunter doesn't see, but of course, he does and he adopts that concerned look that he only uses when they're alone.
"Are you okay?" he asks gently.
"I'm fine," he snaps.
Dean gives him that knowing look that's starting to get annoying and gestures for him to come over. When he doesn't budge, Dean sighs and walks over to him instead, engulfing him in a hug.
"It's okay. We'll find a way to fix everything. We always do, don't we?" he says.
He stays still as a statue, afraid that if he moves an inch, he'll lose what little composure he has left. Dean hugs him a little tighter.
"Just let it go, Cas. I've got you," Dean assures him.
He doesn't deserve this. He doesn't deserve Dean's kindness and concern after what he's done to him, to Sam. But the comfort the hunter offers is too tempting to pass up and even if it doesn't change his opinion that this whole situation is his fault, he hugs Dean back and lets out a shaky sob against his shoulder.
It's almost cathartic in a way and even though some part of him thinks that crying on his friend's shoulder is weak, Dean knows him well enough, knows the feeling he's experiencing well enough, to assure him otherwise.
When the cries die down to little hiccups of sound, they seperate but Dean still has his arms around him. For once, he's the first one to break their staring contest and he looks anywhere else that isn't at Dean's beautiful green eyes.
"Sorry. I don't-,"
Dean shakes his head. "It's fine. You don't have to apologize for anything,"
They separate, but Dean takes his hand and leads him out of the kitchen. They end up in his room, with Dean insisting he unwind for a while and just watch TV. Dean sits behind him, arms around his waist, chin resting on his shoulder and commentating the Dr. Sexy marathon that's currently running. He seems all too keen to educate him on the characters and adds his own opinion for each person's description. He doesn't really see the appeal of the show, but Dean enjoys it and it makes him happy to sit there and not have a world to save or a monster to kill.
When there's a commercial break, he lets Dean play with his hair while he pesters the hunter about the show. And occasionally he turns and plants a soft kiss on Dean's lips. He finds it incredibly endearing how the hunter still blushes over it after all this time. Dean is only this affectionate with him when they're alone, but he cherishes every moment of it and even when they're surrounded by others, Dean still looks at him like he's everything. He loves it and he learned a long time ago that he loves Dean too. He hasn't told him yet, but he's pretty sure that the hunter already knows.
A/N: That was a lot shorter than I thought it was. But anyway, I hope you liked it! I haven't posted anything in a while, but I have a bunch of drafts saved up on my computer waiting to be finished or until I'm satisfied enough to post them, which takes time.
Title is taken from the song Broken Open by Adam Lambert, if any of you listen to him.
Oh, and Happy Easter! :D