A/N: The beginning of this first chapter is based a bit on The Labyrinth of Gedref, in a parody sort of way, although the story quickly leaves that path. Very, very quickly. I make fun of quite a lot in this story, but I love Merlin, so it's all good. It's all in good fun =]. One other thing, at the moment this stands as one-shot, but depending on the reception, I might continue it. So anyway, read on if you have a slightly odd sense of humor.
Disclaimer: I don't own Merlin. Or Harry Potter. Or Doctor Who. Or Lord of the Rings. Or Firefly. Or anything awesome. (Granted, I've only written fanfiction for the first two, but I just thought it was worth mentioning that I don't own any of the others either.)
Arthur examined the dead puppy that lay at his feet, an arrow protruding from its side. He smiled; it would make a good trophy. Few people had the skill necessary to kill such a dangerous creature. Its head would look good mounted on a wall of the castle. His father would be proud.
As Arthur continued to study the corpse, he heard the sound of footsteps traveling through the forest toward him. The footsteps were heavy and uneven, occasionally punctuated by the sound of a falling body and a muted curse. There was only one person to whom such footsteps could belong. Merlin.
Seconds later, Merlin came crashing through the undergrowth, breaking into the clearing where Arthur stood. "Are you okay?" he yelled. "I heard a crash and…" He slowed clumsily to a halt, his eyes widening as he took in the sight before him. "What have you done?" said Merlin dramatically as he stared at the corpse. "What have you done?"
Arthur rolled his eyes. "Quit being such a girl Merlin. It's a puppy. Everyone knows puppies are dangerous creatures."
"You have upset the balance of nature," said Merlin, his eyes flashing black for a moment because it was simply cooler than having them turn golden.
"Don't be an idiot," Arthur said. "That's a bunch of superstitious nonsense."
"There is no such thing as superstition," said Merlin. "Only intelligence. That's something you would not be familiar with, seeing as you are a supercilious prat."
"I am not prat. You're just an imbecile." Arthur sniffed. The air reeked of judgment. Merlin's judgment. It reminded Arthur of other reeking smells, but that was another matter.
"So you admit it!" said Merlin triumphantly. "You are supercilious!"
"What? No, I'm not!"
"Well, you didn't deny it before," said Merlin. "So that means you are."
"Am not!"
"Are too."
"Am not!"
"Are too."
They continued debating in this manner for a few minutes because, at times, both Arthur and Merlin had the emotionally maturity of five year olds. Except when it came to sex. Then, they were very, very mature. At least, they were very mature according to the people who wrote sexually explicit fanfiction about them. It was fanfiction that both Arthur and Merlin would be disturbed to discover, regardless of whether or not it was based in fact.
Eventually, the debate ended in mutual silence and shared glares between Merlin and Arthur.
"Prat."
"Idiot."
Silence resounded again.
"Still," said Merlin, unable to deal with the silence, "how could you kill a puppy?"
"I told you, Merlin," said Arthur angrily. "Puppies are dangerous creatures. Almost as dangerous as unicorns!"
"…Puppies?" came Merlin's reply, his voice tainted with exasperation. "Puppies?" A moment later, he said, "Wait, unicorns?"
"Yes, puppies," said Arthur, ignoring Merlin's last statement. He tended to ignore things that Merlin said whenever it suited him. Arthur paused for a moment before continuing, "Now that that has been cleared up, and the forest has been rid of dangerous beasts, I'm going back to the castle. I suggest you follow unless you'd rather stay and mourn the puppy, Merlin."
"Yes, I'm coming. Wait, what's that?" said Merlin, pointing to something behind Arthur.
"What's what?" said Arthur before turning around and being conveniently hit over the head by a falling branch. Merlin's eyes had not flashed gold because he had not caused it to occur. No, the falling branch was simply an extraordinary coincidence, a sort of extraordinary coincidence that was an everyday occurrence in Camelot.
Arthur's eyes went glassy as he passed out, stunned by the blow to his head. Merlin glanced at him, but did not worry for a moment. Arthur would be fine; he always was. There was no need to worry about who had caused the branch to fall either because it was simply a coincidence. Anyway, Arthur's return to his natural state of unconsciousness would give Merlin just the opportunity he needed!
Without a moment's thought, Merlin ran over to the puppy that lay on the ground, arrow still protruding from its side. Arthur would be expecting Merlin to carry the corpse back to the castle, of course. Unless… Merlin thought for a moment, and then his eyes flashed gold.
Suddenly, there was a bark. Merlin glanced down to see a small, spinning ball of white fluff. It took him a moment to realize that it was a puppy and not just a small, spinning ball of white fluff. He smiled a bit when he made the connection after a minute or so of deep thought. Merlin was feeling particularly dense that day.
The puppy's white fur was no longer stained by red, and the arrow had magically disappeared from its side. In this case, "magically" was the correct term and was a fair bit more than just a figure of speech.
Merlin had said earlier that Arthur had thrown off the balance of nature by killing the puppy. That was not entirely true. No, if anything, Merlin had thrown off the balance of nature by restoring the puppy to life. It was not a problem, however. Somewhere in distant lands, a butterfly had just died. Of course, this could have some consequences because of the butterfly effect, but that was unimportant. The balance of nature had been restored.
"What's your name?" asked Merlin.
"Bark," said the puppy.
"I'm sorry, I didn't quite catch that," said Merlin.
"Roof," said the puppy.
Merlin nodded. "Okay, I'll just call you Fred."
Fred barked in confirmation, wagging his tail in a fit of glee.
Just then, Arthur began to regain consciousness. "What happened?" he asked, his voice slurred. Suddenly, he caught side of the puppy, and his eyes widened. "What?" He quickly stood up, still somewhat unsteady after being hit on the head with a giant branch.
"This is Fred," said Merlin calmly.
"But… but…" Arthur stuttered. "I shot him…With an arrow…I shot him with an arrow."
"What are you talking about?" said Merlin, feigning surprise. "No, you didn't."
"Yes, I did!" said Arthur. "I killed it! Puppies are dangerous!"
"Your memory must have been addled by that branch hitting your head."
"My memory is not addled, Merlin. It is perfectly intact."
"Well, of course you'd think that," started Merlin. "If your memory was addled, you wouldn't be aware of it. But obviously, your memory is not intact. You think you killed Fred. And Fred is very clearly still alive."
Arthur looked at Merlin for a moment. "I shot him."
"No, you didn't."
"Yes, I did."
"No, you didn't."
"Yes, I did."
Another glaring match took place between the two of them, quite similar to the one they had experienced earlier. The longer it lasted, however, the more Arthur began to doubt himself. Maybe he hadn't shot the puppy. He had been hit in the head. After all, the puppy was still alive. The only other explanation was magic and… no, definitely not.
"So I didn't shoot the puppy?" Arthur said, his voice raised in question.
"No, sire."
"Oh, okay then." That settled it. Merlin couldn't lie to save his life. Arthur's memory had obviously been damaged.
After a short silence, Merlin asked, "Can I keep him?"
"Keep him?" asked Arthur.
"Yes, the puppy," said Merlin. "Can I keep the puppy? Fred?"
"What? Why should I care?" Arthur said.
"Merlin blinked. Arthur had a point. "Okay, I'm keeping him."
"You do that," said Arthur. After a moment, he was struck by a sudden thought. "Wait a minute," Arthur said. "Aren't puppies dangerous?"
"No, sire, of course not. That must be another result of your addled memory."
"Oh, I see," said Arthur. It made sense. Complete and total sense.
And so Merlin and Arthur headed back to the castle, while Fred the fluffy, white ball of fur spun in circles and nipped at Merlin's heels. Little did they know, Fred's eyes were red.
A/N: So what did you think? Should I leave this as it is, or do you want me to continue? I love reviews, so… -hint, hint-. On a somewhat random note, I would like to mention that I was going to end it with the red eyes before I even thought of the possibility of continuing because of my slightly warped sense of humor. So… Review?