I ignored the numerous knocks on my door, hoping whoever it was would just go away. I was in no mood to talk to or even see another person. I rolled onto my left side and grabbed my IPod. Quickly moving my fingers, I unlocked it and put my music on shuffle. The Memory by Mayday Parade started to play.
"Really? At least that lets me know you're alive," Bobby's voice came angrily through the door.
Tears started to roll down my cheeks. As I clenched my eyes closed tightly, his faced danced in my head. I jolted up quickly, pulling my knees to my chest and dropping my head on them. I began to sob louder.
"Rogue,please..."
I took in a deep breath,trying to calm myself. The last thing I needed was to give someone a reason to actually barge in.
"Just let me see you. Talk to me. I mean, no one has seen Mr. Summers or you in three weeks now. Please, just let me in."
I Don't Care by Fall Out Boy started to play, and it was just too upbeat for me so I lifted my head to get my Ipod, hitting shuffle again. This time Everything Burns by Anastacia started playing, the irony in that made me smirk as my heart dropped. John is gone. Jean is gone. John. Is. Gone. I fell onto my back again as Bobby gave up and walked away. I curled into a ball on my right side,and cried silently until I fell asleep.
I slowly opened my eyes, my music was still going. Now, Goodnight Moon by Go Radio was on, and it had John's face dancing around my head. I silently sat up, looking to my bedside table to pick up my little electronic friend. Tears rolling down my face, I slid through pictures.
The first few were Bobby and I, then Bobby, John, and myself. I smiled looking at them,thinking back to the fun we had. As I got to the last few pictures though, my heart couldn't help but feel warm and cold all at once.
I stopped on one in particular,John was fighting off sleep in some black sweats and a long sleeved grey shirt with his signature smirk and his arm wrapped around me. I closed my eyes, remembering that night...
Two quick,quiet knocks came on my door, before I could ask who it was, John walked in.
"Ya know, you should really lock your door at night? What if I had been an intruder?" he smirked from the end of my bed.
I rolled my eyes,"Cause an intruder would knock on my door, right?"
He plopped down on my bed, hitting my feet with his butt, "Move over," he said pushing my covered legs as he crawled up my bed.
"What are you doin' John?"I asked, annoyed.
He stopped moving and looked at me like an idiot before responding, "What we do every Saturday night."
I rolled over to look at him, "You didn't show up at 10 like normal, so I thought it was off tonight."
"Your boyfriend wouldn't shut up and go to sleep."
"Let's not talk about Bobby, that makes this weird,"I said sitting up.
"Gladly," he said doing the same.
There was a moment of silence before John finally broke it by turning on my television.
"What are we watchin' tonight?"I asked, leaning back next to him.
"Tonight we watch Rocky Horror Picture Show because you won that game."
I smiled at him,"Ya coulda watched whatever ya wanted, but ya reminded me, what a gentleman."
We both laughed silently. It had become a Saturday night ritual of John and me hanging out after Bobby went to sleep since we had discovered just how much we had in common. John always wore long sleeves and pants so I could take a break from being covered in layers of clothes. We watched the movie and then laid down as late night cartoons played and we talked. Suddenly, Syren screamed.
John rolled over faster than I had ever seen him move, grabbing his lighter and jumping out of bed, "Stay here."
He slammed my door behind him, and not long after, I met him along with Bobby in the hallway.
I opened my eyes, turning off my music and putting my IPod back down, I stood up silently stretching and made my way to the door. It was around two in the morning, and there shouldn't really be anyone awake. Bobby was right, it had been three weeks since we came back from the lake without Jean or John. As soon as we got back to the mansion for good, I had locked myself in my room. The first few days, Logan tried getting me out, but after I finally told him to screw off, he left me alone. Only Bobby kept at it. I had spent most of the time in my room sleeping and crying. I took numerous baths, but I just slept and cried during them, too. I had actually lost a lot of weight because I'd barely eaten. I looked at myself in the mirror. The weight loss was starting to be obvious and the dark circles under my eyes didn't help me any. I looked frail and weak. I looked how my heart felt. I snuck out of my room, down the hall and into the kitchen. Scott sat in the corner, waiting on me. "Hi," I whispered as I sat down across from him. He smelt like alcohol, he always does lately.
He didn't look up,"Hi."
"If ya don't want me here, tell me," I said looking down at the table.
"No, Rogue, stay. You need someone just as much as I do," he said softly.
Scott and I sat for a about half an hour, we ate a little, and occasionally one of us spoke. We had found solace in one another since everything happened. No one else could truly understand how we felt or how we were handling it. My Saturday nights with John had been replaced with Sunday morning silent meetings with Scott where I made sure he ate and he made sure I did the same. I stood, still silent, and placed a gloved hand on his shoulder.
"Goodnight, Scott,"I whispered.
"Goodnight, Marie,"he whispered as I walked away.
I decided to take the long way to my room tonight since everywhere I looked, I was seeing John. I passed by a door and heard a familiar voice.
"I don't know what to do anymore."
"Well, I mean, you haven't seen her in weeks so what do you expect? I don't know, Bobby. I can't tell you what to do, but I can't keep this up. It's over, Bobby."
"Kitty, please. Let me try again tomorrow. I promise, baby, I will do it."
I took in a deep breath before running to my room. I closed the door quickly and slid to the ground in front of it. Everything was falling apart.
"I don't even want to be with him,so why does this hurt so bad?"I sobbed out to myself.
I fell to my side, sobbing louder and louder. The voices in my head were talking so loudly all at once, I couldn't even understand them. Suddenly, I was gasping through tears, trying to breathe. I was starting to get afraid. I pushed myself up and made my way to the bathroom, leaning against the wall for support. I sat on the cold, tile floor taking comfort in it. Nothing made sense. My head was going too fast. I think I'm dying.
With one hand clenching my chest, I stretched the other out and grabbed a razor. Twenty minutes later, I was calm enough to stand. I washed my wrists in the sink, still letting the occasional sob go. I had cut before, but never this bad. Things were starting to be too much. I slid some elbow length gloves on, and walked to Logan's room.
I walked in quietly, watching him. He was having a nightmare, but I still made my way to him. I crawled into his bed and placed a gloved hand on his chest.
"Logan," I said softly.
He shot up, claws out. He jerked his head towards me, "Kid, what in the Hell are you doing?"
I sat up, pulling my knees to my chest again. He looked at me,concern in his eyes.
"I need you," I began to cry.
He wrapped his arms around me, holding me tightly, "Marie, all I can smell on you is tears and blood. I haven't seen or spoken to you in weeks, and then you crawl into my bed like this? Do you have a death wish? I miss Jean, too, Kid. But I'm-"
"It's not Jean getting to me, Logan,"I interrupted.
He looked at me, confused, "What's going on then, Kid?"
"Logan, that day... I mean.. Jean being gone is hurtin' me, but there's a lot more to that day than ya know. There's a lot that I haven't explained."
"Then explain it to me, Kid. I'm here for you, remember? Instead you just pushed me away. Talk to me," he said laying down with me.