A/N-Well, this is my first parody, so reviews are appreciated. I'd like to thank Kerichi, who reviewed my Mary Sue poem and suggested I write a parody.I had alot of fun writing this, so...um...I hope you like it:)
Disclaimer: I don't own Harry Potter. I also don't own the line from Star Wars that I used, or the spin off of that Princess Bride quote I also used. And anything else that you recognize in this fic-well, I probably don't own that either.
TheStory of Mary Sue
It was the start of term feast at Hogwarts and everyone was just being seated as usual, when the Sorting hat and a stool were brought up to the front of the Great Hall. A pack of considerably damp first years followed, but there was someone else in their midst. A tall girl of about 16, with straight silvery blonde hair that reached just below her shoulders. Her eyes were a clear crystal blue and shone with excitement. And around her neck she wore a necklace- a fine gold chain with a small, fragile, green orb attatched to it. Many in the Hall wondered just who this beautiful girl was.
As the Sorting Hat sang its yearly song, the eyes of all the boys were on this strange new girl. The first years even stumbled as they walked up to try on the magical hat. At last, Dumbledore stood and said, "I see you have all noticed our newest student. She is from Florida, in the States, and is a Seer, as well as an animagus. She is also my great granddaughter, whom was lost at birth during a terrible earthquake and has been raised in an orphanage until being accepted into one of Florida's finest wizarding schools. I trust you will make her feel very welcome, her name is Mary Sue."
At this the girl was beaming. "Hey," she said to the Hall, "what's up?"
"Oh my gosh, that is so awesome," said Mary Sue on her way up to the 6th year girls' dormitories.
"Yeah, I know," Lavender replied. "We can get to their dormitories, but they can't get to ours."
"Well, I for one, think we should totally take advantage of this," Mary Sue said as she sat down on her large four poster bed. "Hey, Lav, help me put these up, 'kay?" she asked, pointing to a stack of posters of Tom Felton.
"Who's this guy? He looks just like Draco Malfoy..."
"Only hotter," they said in unison, then breaking up into a fit of giggles.
Hermione chose then to walk into the room. "Hi Mary Sue. I'd like to welcome you to Hogwarts on behalf of all the 6th year girls-"
"Yeah, yeah. Blah blah blah," Mary Sue interrupted. "Geez, no need to be so formal. You Brits need to lighten up."(A/N-No offense to those British people out there)She punched Hermione's shoulder lightly, sending the unsuspecting girl flying across the room, and crashing into a mirror."Oh, my gosh."
"Yeah, Hermione," Lavender said, "are you okay?"
"No, no, you guys," Mary Sue said. "I meant 'oh my gosh, you broke a mirror. Get away from me you unlucky freak.' Not 'oh my gosh, Hermione. You crashed into a mirror, I hope you didn't cut yourself to the point of bleeding to death.' See the difference?"
"Yeah," groaned Hermione, standing up. "I think I get it." She then proceeded to throw a clock at Mary Sue, which missed as she chose that second to turn into her animagus form, a phoenix. She flew out of the room and straight into...the boys' dorm.
"Hey guys, whatcha doin'?" she said, turning back into a girl again.
"Whoa," Harry Potter jumped backwards. "You scared me." Quickly, his thoughts turned from being frightned to how amazing she looked. It was as if he was under her spell. "Um...you look really nice." he stuttered.
"Thanks," she said. She then froze. She was having a vision. She saw a tall black haired boy-Harry, and her on his bed, making out. She came back down to earth and shrugged. Best not to mess with the future. She then proceeded to grab Harry and kiss him, to which he eagerly responded.
They were a little busy, so they didn't hear the door creak open. "Oh, my gosh, Harry what the heck are you doing?" Neville said.
Mary Sue was dissapointed. She wanted Harry and she wanted him now. "Neville, would you like me to read your mind?"
"You can't do that. Proffessor Snape says that mind reading is a silly muggle version of legil-"
"Oh, I can't, can I? My mother was a mermaid and gifted me with healing powers and mind reading powers. I also can fly. That part I got from my father."
"That's amazing."
"Oh, I suppose it is. But would you please leave, unless you'd like me to read your mind and tell the world your thoughts on... asparagus?"
Neville turned beet red at this and promptly ran out of the room.
Mary Sue smiled. The mind reading really was an advantage. She turned to Harry, "now where were we?"
Mary Sue awoke the next day to an urgent message from her dear great grandfather. This perfectly lovely little house elf came and delivered it to her. She slipped him a Hershey's bar when no one was looking.
The message read:
Dear Mary Sue,
Voldemort has attacked. We will need your assistance in fighting the final battle of this war. There are thousands of Death Eaters outside as we speak. The studends are out fighting and a good 3/4 of them have already died so we need your help now. Or as soon as you finish breakfast.
Sincerely,
Dumbledore
P.S.-There are some Cheerios in the kitchen.
Well, that was nice of him. So, after an okay breakfast of Cheerios (she would have preffered Fruit Loops), she walked out into the courtyard. She was met with the sight of blood, gore, and excessive violence. But the sun was shining, so it was all good.
"Never fear," she screamed to anyone who would listen, "Mary Sue is here!"
She ran to the first death eater she could find. "Hey dude!" she screamed,"love not war, man."
Th Death Eater was overcome with tears and ripped his robe off to reveal a tye die T-shirt. "Right on" he said before fleeing the battlefield.
"Peace out!" Mary Sue called after him with happiness before going to beat up this other death eater that was attcking Harry, her Harry. A greenish glow came about her and she punched him with all her strength, sending him to somewhere near Georgia. Or Alabama. She wasn't quite sure.
She kept on fighting numerous Death Eaters this way, healing students with her mystical powers as they fell to the ground with near fatal wounds. Soon, every Death Eater was lying on the ground, defenseless. That is when HE came. He-who-must-not-be-named. The dark lord. Voldemort.
"So, we meet at last," Voldemort hissed, his red eyes glowing.
"Hello. My name is Mary Sue. You killed my father. Prepare to die," Mary Sue replied.
"Oh, will I? You wouldn't, not after what I have to tell you. You should sit, this might be a bit shocking."
Mary Sue waited impatiently, tapping her foot "Well, get on with it."
Voldemort looked at her fiercly and said in a solemn voice, "Luke, I am your father."
"NOOOO!" she screamed, falling to the ground, sobbing. "Wait a minute, since when is my name Luke?"
"Long story, your mother's idea. Anyways, yes, I am your father. I left your mother when you were born, but I know all about you, and now, I will kill you," Voldemort said, raising his wand to utter that fateful curse of death.
"You are a lousy father, you know," Mary Sue said.
"Why do you say that?" he asked.
"Because if you were a good father, you'd know that I can fly," she said, and proceeded to fly into the air and kick him straight between the eyes. "Sword of Italy, I summon thee!" she screamed. A brilliant, silver sword with seven rubies encrusted in it's handle appeared in her hand. "With this sword, thou shalt die!" And she plunged the sword into Voldemort's heart.
Hermione looked puzzled. "She's Italian?"
"No, German actually," Mary Sue said, before returning her attention to Voldemort.
The dark lord looked up at the girl and with his last bit of life, he tore the necklace off of her neck. The green orb fell to the ground and broke into a million pieces. With a maniacal gleam in his eye, he said "If I die, you're going down with me." Those were the last words he ever said, before he died.
"What? What's wrong with her?" Harry asked frantically.
Dumbledore started to cry. "That amulet holds her life. She's part Egyptian and the ancient peoples of Egypt once prophesyed that the woman who was to be the greatest, most powerful being of all, was to wear a necklace that held her soul. Of course, every parent of Eyptian origin wanted their daughter to have a chance at being powerful and gave them such a necklace. I am afraid that this has caused many a death, including the one we will unfortunately have to witness today."
Mary Sue looked up. "Before I go, let me say a few things. First, tell my great grandpa Dumbledore I'll miss him, tell Harry I love him, and...most important of all...tell Hermione that she is an unlucky freak and that her and Ron should stop avoiding the truth and go out already." And with that, she died.
They buried her that day, in a field of lilies that just happned to be growing right next to the Hogwarts grounds. Her tombstone was made of silver, and engraved on it, were the words: "Mary Sue, we'll miss you."
As the wind blew through the trees that breezy September day, sorrow and happiness were in the hearts of all the students of Hogwarts. The dark lord was defeated, Mary Sue was dead, Hermione and Ron had finally hooked up, and all was right with the world.
THE END
A/N- So, did you like it? Review and tell me. Constructive criticism is welcome (as is anything positive, of course), but I do not appreciate flamers. R& R:)