*I had been planning on writing an xmas themed karmy one-shot with fluff and cuteness but then this thing turned into the beginning of a really depressing multi-chapter fic so I apologize in advance for the sadness and pain*
Will You Still Love Me, Tomorrow
Part I
Amy has been hanging out with Reagan non-stop. Though Karma has been patient and holding back as much as possible with her fears, she's been utterly depressed, undeniably abandoned, and overwhelmingly rejected by the only person in her life who has ever really meant a damn.
"Hey there stranger!" Amy said, plopping down at Karma's table for lunch. She threw her bag up on the table-top with a disruptive plot, invading Karma's space.
"Hey…" Karma sighed. She was writing song lyrics into a new journal Amy got her as a gift over the weekend at some street fair festival thing that Reagan was working at.
Karma would usually be excited to see Amy but the sight of Amy with no food could mean only one thing.
"Reagan coming again?"
"Yup," Amy sighed contentedly. She had that look she usually had. Lately she'd been so completely content it was apparent in every movement she'd create, every noise, smile or twitch.
The more Karma noticed the more horrible she felt about her own life. Not to mention guilty. She felt guilty now for feeling so much in secret, hiding it from her dear friend whom had already suffered enough.
"What's wrong?" Amy asked, coming to. Until now she had been lost out in dreamland.
"What?" Karma asked. She wasn't aware that her face was betraying her by showing any hint of her inner turmoil. But Amy knew her friend and though she had been remiss as of late. and with due cause, Amy could never be remiss enough not to notice that her Karma, right now, was distraught.
"Karma?"
"What? Stop." Karma faked a laugh. Amy was openly staring at her for the first time in forever. Karma's cheeks flushed and she tried to quell the anger in her chest, anger at herself. "I'm fine," she lied.
"You are not fine," Amy fought, pulling Karma's hand from her face since Karma was obviously trying to hide her expression from her.
"What is it?" Amy asked, pushing more.
"Nothing, okay, stop."
"You're keeping something from me Karma. You never do that." Amy got up curiously and walked around the table to be closer to her. Karma had turned to face the grass because tears had rushed her. She hated being found out. But lying to Amy was very hard for her, it always had been.
At first Amy thought it must be a crush or something, Karma had flushed. But when she moved around the curve of the table and noticed Karma's face and the way she was wiping at it almost angrily, her heart dropped in her chest. Karma was not okay. She was upset and crying and Amy had no idea why.
"Oh, sweetie," Amy said nervously. When Karma cried Amy always panicked. She'd feel her heart sink in her chest every time, no matter what Karma was crying about. It didn't matter what it was about. It did but it didn't. If Karma was crying Amy too felt broken.
Karma even heard the drop in Amy's voice, the instant acknowledgement and concern as Amy dropped to a squatting position before her and took her hands in her own.
"It's nothing. Really," Karma shook, loving the feel of Amy's hands on her own but hating herself at the same time for being so fucking stupid and so bad at lying to her friend.
In the distance a car horn sounded. They both knew what it meant.
"There's your girl," Karma said almost bitterly, though she was trying hard to be cheerful. It seemed she lived every day now hoping that Amy would have time for her.
"It can wait," Amy said. "I want you to talk to me." The horn sounded again. And then once more.
"Go," Karma pushed. "We can talk later." Later never seemed to come though. They never had enough time to say the things on their minds.
"Karma?!" Amy whined.
"Just go!" Karma said, standing and surprising Amy. When Amy stood too but still didn't budge Karma shoved past her and off towards the bathroom where she could be alone.
Reagan honked for the fourth time, a really long impatient honk. Amy turned painfully towards Reagan's car and tucked her hand in her pocket, grabbing her bag and walking away.
"What took you so long?" Reagan asked. She had parked and walked around to the passenger door so that she could better greet her excruciatingly slow girlfriend.
"Something's wrong with Karma," Amy said sadly, leaning into her girlfriend with her whole body and trapping her against the car.
"That's too bad, what happened?" Reagan asked curiously. She was curious, she really was, but right now Amy was practically on top of her so she couldn't help the semi-smile that brushed Amy's lips when she kissed them.
"No clue," Amy sighed. She knew she fucked up though. She'd been spending so much time with Reagan lately and completely ignoring her overly-sensitive other half.
"Well…" Reagan said, smoothly bringing a hand up to Amy's face and surveying it as she stroked her cheek with her thumb, missing that touch.
"I fucked up," Amy said, tears rushing her. "Look, I know you came all the way out here because I begged you to but…"
"You need to talk to your girl," Reagan sighed knowingly, her stomach twisting from both jealousy and fear.
"Do you hate me?"
"Never," Reagan smiled, kissing her again. "I mean, I feel a little used."
"Oh, no…" Amy said, hiding her smile as best as she could. "I mean… Is there anything I can do?" She was play acting now, fully aware that this was fuel for later.
"Maybe," Reagan feigned at being upset, she loved knowing that some time later their time together would be even more heated and charged because of this thing between them, this guilt Amy felt only part way but still.
"K, we'll have to work something out… I mean… I can't have you feeling this way… Not if I can help it."
"Well, we'll see," Reagan said. Truth was, Reagan was already happy for the turn of events. "Go on, go get 'er," Reagan said sweetly, pushing Amy off of her lovingly and watching as Amy walked backwards with an apologetic pouty face.
Thank you, Amy mouthed with praying hands. Reagan just winked at her and watched as she turned away.
In the bathroom Karma had been trying to stop crying. More than anything Karma wanted Amy not to know how much she was hurting now because of her. Karma knew it wasn't Amy's fault or even her own. Her feelings were always a mystery and a mess. They never made sense. She felt too much or too little or too up or too down. Nothing ever turned out as she planned and she was constantly planning, having dreams and expectations, wishes and goals and visions of everything turning out like they do in films she watched to try to see how normal families could ever be happy.
In the mirror, Karma watched herself pathetically trying to get it together. Keep it together, she thought. She wiped beneath her eyes to try and salvage her make-up.
"Karma?" A voice, Amy's voice.
"Shit." Karma tried to turn it into a whipser half-way through but she was too caught off guard to muffle it. Leaving her bag on the counter, she moved back into a stall so that she could hide her face.
"Karma? Are you in here?" Amy hurried in and saw the bag and sighed.
"I'm fine Amy, just sick."
"You're not sick," Amy said. She knew her friend and her friend was upset. Not sick. Upset. If Karma was sick Amy could get her soup and they could watch cheesy movies together and things would be fine.
Things weren't fine.
Karma was lying about something, keeping something from her.
"Did something happen with Liam?"
"No," Karma scoffed angrily. Ever since that secret came out Liam had all but disappeared from her mind. He didn't matter anymore, not to her. Sure, she used him for sex on occasion just to quiet her mind, but that was sex and nothing else. Any love she had for him was gone.
"Okay…" Karma could hear Amy, thinking, trying. "Did something happen with Zen?"
"Amy, nothing happened, okay? Please just stop asking," Karma was sitting on the edge of the toilet with her clothes on and still trying to fix the mess on her face with some toilet paper and her reflection in the small metal hanging trash bin.
"Karma, come on… Something's wrong. I can hear you sniffling."
"Yea well… I can't talk about it, okay."
"What are you talking about?!" Amy smirked in frustration. "You text me when you use the bathroom. When you talk to anyone, you call me right away to tell me exactly what was said to you. Last year during Christmas you couldn't even wait to tell me what you got me. You tell me everything: your blood type, your locker combination, every guy you've ever crushed on-"
"Amy, stop!" Karma spoke loudly and covered her ears. If there was one thing Karma didn't need to be reminded about it was how much their lives had been altered by the last messy year.
She knew it already. She knew it and she hated it. There was no way to go back, no way to change or fix a damn thing. All she wanted now was for things to be just her and Amy again, just the two of them and their creepy oversharing, the two of them and their closeness and overly affectionate way. If she could only have that back, everything else could be fine.
"Okay…" Amy said. Karma had been quiet for a while. Amy just stood outside her stall nervously without moving. "It's me then, right?" Amy asked sadly, placing a hand to the stall in defeat.
Karma didn't speak. The answer was yes but she couldn't bring her lips to form that simple word.
"Look, you don't have to answer okay… Let's just… Can we just go out? Go do something right now like we used to?" Amy missed her. And she worried.
The bell sounded, that signal to go back to class. If they left now it'd just seem normal. Principle Penelope only acted strange about students leaving during class because she was worried about emotional trauma and sensitive hearts.
Karma wanted to say no because it was dangerous now to spend time with her. But in her heart she wanted to be with Amy more than anything else in the world. She waited every day just to see her and hear her speak.
Amy heard Karma stand and move.
"Get my bag, please," Karma said softly. She unlocked her stall and let herself be seen. Amy hadn't moved. She just wanted to see her, to know she was going to be okay. "We better go quick." Karma picked her bag up in strength and offered Amy a hand.
Amy took it and smiled, following her friend out fo the school and into the parking lot.
They didn't speak the whole way and things were better because of it. Amy had gotten the message.
Karma knew that Amy had sent Reagan away just to watch her. She owed her this at the very least.
They got into Karma's car and Karma switched it on and began to silently drive. As her music played she did nothing as her eyes wept silently like they tended to do of late.
Amy watched her with worry in her face. She held Karma's hand in her lap and turned in her seat to better view her.
Karma felt her eyes finally, Amy's eyes. She loved those eyes on her and they hadn't been anywhere near recently, until now.
Amy raised a hand to Karma's hair and brushed it from her face so that she could better see her. Karma kept on watching the road and wanting to steal her away, just drive with her like that and forever.
At the stop light she let her eyes painfully close. It was like she hadn't even let herself feel it until right now. She hadn't let herself feel how painfully much she missed her.
Amy watched and noticed that heavy sadness. At some point she had begun to silently cry along too. It made everything worse that she didn't know what she had done or how she had hurt her. She just wanted to fix it, wanting Karma to never hurt. Never like this.
They didn't talk. They cried together. Karma drove and drove. The music played, filling them up inside even more.
Eventually Amy knew where Karma was going. Karma craved nature sometimes, actually needed it. As soon as they turned a certain corner away from the city, Amy knew right away that Kamra was driving towards the Mopac entrance of The Greenbelt, a place they honestly hadn't been together for months.
They would usually go when they just wanted to do something outside. Sometimes Karma would bring her guitar and go alone, though she rarely told Amy.
Since Reagan, Karma had had a lot of alone time. The beautiful reserve had become the perfect place to wallow. No one would look for her there. The sad thing though was that Karma knew more than anyone else that no one was looking for her. She could go straight from school to the park, play for hours, walk, watch the people with families or cute dogs or lust-filled significant others hanging off of them dreamily. She could stay until the sun went down and no one would even call.
It'd happened a lot lately.
It happened too much.
No one knew she had been going.
No one even asked.
Karma thought of the guitar in her trunk. Her only true friend. A fine-crafted piece of wood handed down from her great grandmother on her father's side. Priceless in every way. With a personality all it's own. Karma took care of it like a pet. When it broke she got it fixed. When it sat too long in the case she'd take it out and just hold it.
Even Though she was driving she wished she was holding it now. It comforted her when her mind was stormy. Grounded her and kept her on the earth. She really needed that now.
And then there was Amy… She thought, sighing aloud. The girl beside her. She needed her too.
Amy grounded her but she also helped her to sore, tethering her to earth with a trustworthy assurity. If Karma was a balloon, Amy was the only person holding onto her string. Her person who loved her too much to let her go but lived to watch her fly and guide her around obstacles and strong wind.
She thought about this all in her head and couldn't help but feel that Amy had left her tied to a chair sometime ago and now she was slowly deflating on the ground all alone and wishing she could fly alone without a string.
Another tear fell out of Karma's right eye and Amy saw.
Like clockwork, Amy reached up and lovingly wiped the tear away for Karma.
Whatever it was upsetting her friend, Amy knew that it was no passing phase. Karma only got upset like this about big things: devastating news, deaths, mistakes that could never be undone.
Amy watched her friend and prayed that it was fixable. What could possibly have gone so wrong between them? And for her not to notice? Amy couldn't think. She had no clues. How long had Karma been faking things? Karma was good at faking things. Amy just never thought Karma would dare fake anything with her. That just wouldn't be them but as time and distance kept reminding her, they were really really changing, growing further away.
She squeezed Karma's hand and laid her forehead on Karma's shoulder. Karma let out a small sigh, as if she had been holding her breath before Amy did what she had done.
Jessie Mueller's version of Will You Love Me Tomorrow, played sorrowfully all the while, filling up the car.
For the moment, Karma couldn't help but feel intensely grateful to not be alone, even if it was just for now.
She cried harder. Her tears taking over. It wasn't just that she had company. At least for now... She had her Amy.
The song kept playing, mirroring Carole King's version in every way. As Karma pulled quickly into the familiar dirt lot, she threw the car into park and turned into her friend, forcing Amy to hold her tight and wrap herself around her.
"I'm sorry," Amy cried, holding her. "Karma, I'm so sorry."
It didn't matter what she had done. Amy knew she had obviously failed her.
Karma lost all composure now, all desire to hide. She'd been hiding this too long anyway. It was yet another thing putting distance between her and Amy.
Before when her chin had begun to quiver and her hands had begun to shake she thought about running. Maybe if she could just park the car fast she'd have enough time to escape her, still manage to get away without explaining.
She knew though, all at once, there was no time to run. No way to explain without coming out with it.
As soon as she parked she crumbled. She couldn't think anymore, couldn't bare the thought of hurting Amy again by telling her the truth about her feelings.
Instead of running, talking, or explaining, Karma just decided to let herself fall apart.
Part II
She'd meant to go out into the woods with her. Have a normal day for once. Just be friends again like they used to be.
That is what she had meant by bringing them both out to the woods.
But what she meant and what she got? Those were two completely different things.
As the weepy music played on, Amy stroked Karma's hair and held her friend in her arms.
It had been a solid hour and they still hadn't left the car.
Karma breathed in the quiet and drank up the comfort. It'd have to end soon. She'd have to drive them back and leave Amy to be with her new girlfriend and her new life. It couldn't last. But it was perfect.
Amy quietly wept and held her broken friend in her arms. She didn't dare speak a word or ask a question or try again to get the information she wasn't allowed to have about how she had hurt her best friend and crushed her so thoroughly that it broke her entirely and turned her into a mute.
"I can… Drive us back," Karma said weakly. She hadn't intended the mess, hadn't intended much at all than just to be.
"I wanna stay," Amy said. But she wouldn't say more. Not unless Karma asked.
Karma felt at Amy's arm with her hand, the smooth skin and muscles, she brushed her nose on it and breathed her in. She smelt different but still like Amy.
"Did you just smell me?"
"Maybe," Karma said, not even chuckling because Amy didn't even understand how much she was missed, how grotesquely much she was wanted and not had by one Karma Ashcroft who only loved her more than life now that she had been gone from her so completely.
Karma hugged Amy tighter.
"Maybe we should get in the back seat," Amy said.
"Okay," Karma agreed. It was awkward trying to hug over the armrest and the controls. In the back there'd be nothing between them. Karma couldn't move though, she wanted to be held so much by her that she couldn't move.
Amy pushed softly and sent Karma back to sit up. She opened her door and stepped out, switching from the front seat to the back and smiling softly when Karma actually joined her.
It was cute, them together again. This was like before, like they used to be. They did things like this all the time. When one of them was sad, they'd always end up tangled and warm, together and safe.
"Come 'ere," Amy said, she'd laid on her side against the back seat so that KArma could lay in front of her and she could hold her and be her big spoon.
Nervously, Karma crawled inside and laid down. Amy pulled her back into her and held her in tight, smelling her hair.
"I miss this," Amy said. But she meant to say, I miss you. Somewhere from thought to actual verbal sentence the message got scrambled and another miss came right out.
"I miss you," Karma said, feeling the warmth spread through her and the butterflies swim inside of her stomach. It'd been so long since they'd even hugged, let alone held one another.
Amy still didn't know why Karma was crying. But she knew Karma was letting her hold her and that was good.
Karma laid her head down on her hands and let herself be calm with Amy and just feel the things she'd been longing to feel. She closed her eyes and savored every second.
In her dreams she'd prefer that Amy was kissing her. But this was good. This was really really good.
"What are you thinking?" Amy asked.
"Just, about you," Karma said truthfully. Then she hummed a little dreamy tune with the song in the speakers. Amy watched and saw the serene smile on Karma's face. The way Karma seemed to be calmly resting and maybe now enjoying their time. She pulled Karma's hair back so that she could more easily see that smile she needed.
"What about me?" Amy asked, pushing the thing she knew she wasn't supposed to push. She propped her head up on her hand and kept on holding Karma. It was so odd the way the afternoon had gone but she did love to watch her and she did miss her, terribly, much too much.
"You always know what I need," Karma said.
"Not really," Amy scoffed with a smile.
Karma opened her eyes and pushed away to lay down on her back and stare up at her friend.
"You do," Karma insisted, pulling Amy's wrist into her hand and letting Amy touch her face again.
She didn't want to bring it up but, ever since the truth had come out, Amy had been avoiding touch with Karma as much as humanly possible. Karma knew that it probably wasn't her fault and that it wasn't because Amy didn't want to touch her but the stark opposite. But still, the irrational side of Karma kept on insisting on saying things to her in secret like: she doesn't need you now or she doesn't want you, she can't even touch you.
Karma's inner thoughts were always unkind to her. Amy saw as her friend's smile faltered.
Karma tried to roll back onto her side so she could hide her face but Amy stopped her with a hand on her shoulder.
"Please talk to me," she asked.
"It'll only make things worse," Karma said, staring up at Amy and knowing that she wanted to kiss her.
"So things are bad now?" Amy asked confused.
"Oh…" Karma sighed, wanting to disappear again. She let her eyes close and felt Amy's hand wipe away another stray tear.
"You're unhappy…" Amy noted.
"I've been unhappy, Amy," Karma said, pulling at her wrist again and letting herself hold onto Amy's hand while she kept her eyes shut tight and tried real hard to keep the conversation just where it was.
"It's because of Liam, what I-"
"No," Karma said, stopping her. She opened her eyes and looked up at her friend, smiling softly. It wasn't Amy's fault that she couldn't tell. Amy was usually so good at reading her but things had just changed. "I told you, it's not that," Karma smiled. She let her other hand slide up to touch at Amy's neck.
Amy let her face slide into the touch. She closed her eyes too, feeling at once that wanting in her, the wanting she tried to keep away.
"Shit," Karma said, watching her. Amy held at Karma's hand and moved her lips to Karma's palm so that she could kiss it.
Karma felt her breathing slow and then speed.
"I didn't mean to hurt you," Amy said, still unaware.
"I know," Karma said. "It's not something you did or I did… It's just… It's something okay?"
"So… What do we do?" Amy asked, insinuating that there still even was a we between the two of them. If there had been a we, it had all but disappeared when Reagan showed up. At least that's how Karma felt.
She didn't know Amy anymore. Amy was a ghost to her. A lovely person who drifted in and out of her life only allowing herself to stay briefly and speak lightly before traveling on.
"We…" Karma sighed, taking her hands back from Amy and turning around again to lay on her side and tuck her hands beneath her head. She wanted to cry now more than ever. "Maybe we should just go home," Karma said. She knew if she took Amy back, Amy would leave her. She didn't want that at all but it was a better option than telling Amy what she had been feeling for weeks.
Sensing the shift, Amy used her arms to pull Karma into her. She didn't' want to go home. She didn't want Karma to succeed in getting rid of her.
"Whatever this is… You're going to tell me eventually."
"I'd rather not," Karma said, hating that Amy was right but loving that Amy was holding her.
"I was planning to surprise you for Christmas, ya know?"
"Yeah?" Karma asked, hopefully. It seemed that Amy didn't think of her at all anymore. Sure, Amy would give her a gift every now and then, something she could touch and hold while without her, like that journal from the street fair. Karma would much rather spend time with Amy though than get some gift and she thought Amy knew that but she obviously didn't.
"I got us a cabin for Christmas weekend, planned everything. After everything that happened this year, I wanted to at least give you a white christmas…."
"Amy... Really?"
"Yeah," Amy sniffled, feeling frustrated. Karma turned again to face her and hold Amy's face between her hands. "I miss you, ya know? We never hangout anymore… You're my life, Karma." She didn't like looking at her because every time she did it reminded her of how much in love with her she was.
"I miss you too," Karma said, knowing that she already said that bit.
She searched Amy's eyes and saw how confused she was, how sad now. Amy was so happy at lunch. Amy was so happy with Reagan. Was it all an act or did Karma really just ruin her and make her life into shit?
Amy noticed Karma staring and she smiled, redness flushing her cheeks.
Karma felt that ridiculous thing in her, that urge to kiss Amy. She felt it as she watched her, staring at her lips and eyes and feeling Amy's cheek with her thumb.
"What?" Amy asked, shrugging Karma off just a little.
"I love you," Karma said. But she didn't mean it like she had always meant it before.
"I know," Amy shrugged, wiping her tears away on her hand. Karma loved her but not enough.
"No," Karma said shakily, still trying to get Amy to look at her, still trying to hold her face or just move it enough so that Amy would see that when she said this now she meant it like Amy had meant it. "Amy…" She said, knowing that she'd have to ask her to see her.
"What?" Amy asked, finally seeing her, wanting to crumble now since there was no helping anything and only ever this broken thing between them.
Karma leaned in slow and Amy took a quick breath, unsure of the situation. It was almost like Karma was about to kiss her but why would she ever do a thing like that?
Karma was about to kiss her though, she was.
When their lips touched Karma kissed her differently than she ever had before. Before it was just play, trying to be convincing, trying to make it seem real. It'd been a long time since they'd last kissed but even back then it was like Karma was being gentle and soft, careful and calculated. There was more going on then in her head than in her body. Things were different now. No one was watching and Karma was feeling every little bit of this kiss.
This kiss wasn't like back then. Amy fell instantly into it. The kiss felt like home. It was like coming home to a place she'd tried to forget because she wanted it too much and needed it too much.
Once her mind began to comprehend what was happening though, the kiss reminded Amy of the threesome and of herself. She'd been so set on kissing Karma back then, on showing her how she felt and what she meant to her. This kiss was like that only Amy wasn't the one who was trying to prove something anymore. This wasn't Amy's moment to shine or Amy's moment to woo her friend and take her by fire.
Karma was kissing her because Karma wanted her, fuck, maybe even needed her.
And then there was that realization in her. Amy realized that without thinking, she'd been kissing Karma back the whole time.
"Whoa," Amy said, waking up to herself and her position. They were in a car. Two friends in a car.
This wasn't Reagan. This was Karma.
Karma Ashcroft was actually kissing her. And this wasn't a game.
In a bit of panic, Amy pushed Karma away from her quickly by a hand at her chest. "What are you doing?" This wasn't like before. They weren't faking a relationship or playing at something they didn't understand.
"I just… I wanted to-" Karma panicked too though she kept it inside. She knew what she was doing was wrong. But she also knew that Amy was right about everything. Her secret would eventually come out. A weekend in a cabin wasn't going to make things better, it would make things worse.
"You wanted to kiss me?" Amy scoffed, almost angry and shocked.
"Yeah," Karma sighed. It was the only way to tell her without having to say it.
"Karma…" Amy wiggled and Karma moved so that Amy could sit up. When Amy did sit up Kamra held Amy's hands in her lap and waited for the mess that was about to unfold. "You… You know I'm with Reagan," Amy said sadly, tears rushing her along with the comprehension. This was the problem. This was why Karma was sad.
"I'm sorry," Karma said. "I know it was wrong and you didn't- It was me," Karma reminded, defending Amy which actually hurt Amy more. She moved Amy's face up and watched as Amy's chin quivered and she turned her face away from her.
Amy did though, she realized that now, she did kiss Karma back. Amy thought about it, about how fucked up that was. With Karma, she hadn't even thought, she'd just acted. And now she'd have to tell Reagan. She'd have to live with it herself and tell Reagan that Karma kissed her and she kissed back.
"Fuck!" Amy screamed, kicking the seat in front of her and throwing her hands up to hold at her head.
Every thing with Karma was so fucked up. It's like they either both had to be single or they both had to be together and there would be NO in-between.
Karma stayed silent, backed away, and just waited. She hadn't asked for any of this and she knew she'd done it all wrong. She just wanted it so much, to taste her just then.
Amy cried and got out of the car, shutting Karma back in all alone.
Karma watched as Amy paced outside.
Amy pulled the phone from her pocket and dialed Reagan right away.
"Hey sweetie," Reagan answered. She'd been waiting for her call, hoping on it because of earlier.
"Can you come get me?" Amy cried. "Please?"
"Yeah, of course," Reagan said. "Amy, what's wrong?"
"I fucked up," Amy cried, feeling the tears of rage that stung at her wildly. Fucking up was an understatement. Reagan only ever had one fear with Amy and it was a fear that she'd stray.
Karma let herself lay back down on the seat and cry. At least now Amy would know and Karma wouldn't have to feel like such a liar. She cried onto her arm and hoped that Amy would leave without trying to talk to her again. Distance now would be good.
"Get out," Amy said, pulling the door open and yelling at her. "Get out here, I'm not doing this alone." She'd already ended her call. Reagan was trying to call back but Amy ignored it feeling frustrated.
"Amy, I'm sorry," Karma said. She allowed Amy to pull at her and yank her up.
"She's coming here and you're going to tell her what you did."
"Amy…" Karma stood, barely. All she could feel was the heavy weight of her actions.
She could do this though. Amy was right. She could at least tell Reagan that it was her fault and not Amy's.
"What the fuck were you thinking Karma?!"
"I-I-I-"
"No. Just stop. Don't fucking talk to me," Amy said, her anger getting the best of her. Karma let her body lean back against the car.
"I couldn't tell you," she said, taking a step towards Amy.
"Shut up!" Amy said, pushing her friend back into the car and watching her hit it and start to cry more. Amy rarely abused her like this. She lost her temper but never pushed. "You know what, fine, tell me then," Amy said, confronting her. "How long?"
"What?" Karma felt a panic.
"How long exactly has it been that you've wanted to kiss me."
"Amy, don't," Karma said. It was the wrong time to be having this talk. Amy was obviously angry.
"How long?!" Amy yelled, her eyes shutting tight in her frustration.
"Weeks… Months…" Karma breathed out trying to be calm.
"Two months? Three?" Amy scoffed. She couldn't help it. She shook her head. "You couldn't take it, Karma," Amy scoffed knowingly.
"What?"
"You couldn't take that I was happy with someone else."
"No, Amy… It's not like tha-"
"IT IS LIKE THAT!" Amy yelled, scaring her a little.
"It's really not," Karma said, more angry now than hurt. This had nothing to do with Karma being alone. Karma would be fine alone if she wasn't constantly thinking about Amy. "You won't believe me though, will you," she asked. "You won't believe that I've been thinking about kissing you for weeks, hell, even dreaming about it…"
"Stop," Amy said, pushing Karma's hand off of her and turning away from her to stare at the road where Reagan would soon appear. All the words coming out of Karma were words that Amy longed for just 3 months ago. If this had happened just three months sooner none of this would be fucked up and no one would be hurt right now.
Amy stared at the empty space where Reagan would soon be. She stared at it and tried to will her angry thoughts about Karma away.
"I get it… I fucked up. This is fucked up. I get that."
"Why the fuck you do it then, Karma?!" Amy wanted to scream.
"You were right," Karma shrugged with pathetic tears in her eyes. "I was going to tell you eventually. This was going to come out sooner or later... " She shrugged.
"So, at the dinner… Were you?"
"No, no… I mean, that was the start, obviously," Karma shrugged all beaten. "I didn't know it then."
"But after?"
"Yup… Right after. Like a freight train," Karma breathed long and slow in a way that just expressed the pain she was feeling without words being necessary.
"Great," Amy pretended to smile. She ended up looking like a lunatic but Karma knew it was all her fault so it didn't hurt as much as it should. "So what now, Karma?! I should just leave Reagan and be with you?"
"No!" Karma scoffed, reaching to hold her hand but stopping herself. That wasn't even a thing she was thinking. "You should be happy. You should be with Reagan if you want to be with Reagan. That's not what this is."
"Karma?! WHAT THE FUCK?!" Amy wanted to throw her, instead she just squeezed her hands before Karma's face and shook a bit in her anger, wishing to understand things maybe just this once.
"I told you.. I didn't want to tell you…"
"Telling me this? That's a lot different than what you just did, and you know that, Karma."
"Fuck, I wanted you, okay?!" Karma threw her hands up, sick of the mess. "I wanted you! I wanted to kiss you! I wanted you to hold me again and touch me like you use to. I wanted to feel like you were actually in my life instead of this person who I fell in love with who just fucking left me."
"That is NOT what I did!" Amy accused in her anger.
"And I know it's not! But, is that what you want me to say Amy because this isn't fucking easy for me! None of this has been easy!"
"You know what," Amy said, her voice shaky and face bitter. "Just go, Karma."
"It was me!" Karma said. "I will- I'll tell her. I'll tell her it was me and it'll be fine, she hates me anyway, everyone hates me."
"It just…" Amy was going to say something fucked up but she stopped herself. "It doesn't fucking matter, okay? Just get in your car and leave me alone."
Karma stared back at her, scared for her life. What if this was the last time she spoke to her? What if this was really the end?
"At least when you told me I didn't treat you like this," Karma said. "I didn't even really care that you slept with him, ya know? I had to think about that.. That meant something huge, I just didn't… I didn't understand it."
"Karma."
"I'm all alone Amy. I've been all alone." It was no defense but Karma needed Amy to hear it. Amy knew she'd been leaving her. Amy was fully aware of how little time she was spending with her former best friend.
"Karma…." Amy said, the sadness winning out. "Please… For now… Just go," she shook her head. There weren't words. She couldn't explain what she was feeling or why she was SO angry or what she wanted to say or do or be.
Shaken, but willing to follow, Karma walked backwards to the car and got in. She watched Amy for a second and saw her squat down on the dirt and cry into her hands now that she had a moment alone.
She'd broken her again. That's all she did to Amy now. She could only ever break her apart.
"I don't deserve to live," Karma mumbled to herself. She flipped the mirror down and wiped her eyes. Her makeup was a mess and she just wanted to disappear. But she had to leave or Amy would hate her. She had to at least move her face somewhere else and let Amy and Reagan have their time together all alone, again. She had to fully remove herself now. Completely detach.
Amy heard the sound of Karma's car starting up and shifting into gear. She heard the break give and she listened to the crunch of the tires on the dirt as Karma backed out carefully and hovered a moment, shifting gears and staring out at her with pain plain as day on her face.
I'm sorry, Amy mouthed pitifully, looking straight into Karma's eyes and knowing she shouldn't have reacted so fucking horribly. It was all feelings. Karma had feelings and she couldn't control them any more than Amy could control hers. I'm sorry, she shook her head, conveying her frustration at herself in a way that Karma could read all the way from space should she need to.
Karma gave her an understanding yet apologetic nod before mouthing: It's okay, and turning to face the road, finally giving Amy what it was that she had asked for. She drove herself away and felt completely responsible for breaking Amy yet again, fucking everything up. If she could do one thing, Karma would wish away all of her feelings and become a stoic type of person who couldn't be ruled by feelings any more. She was probably the only person who could prosper from something like that. Most people wished they could feel and care more. Not Karma. Karma needed it all to go away.
She couldn't do that though. She couldn't possibly find a way to not feel everything 200% of the time.
As she drove away she thought about that kiss. The worst part of all, it had been better than she had ever even dreamed. All those kisses before? They paled in comparison, it was laughable how simple they were, how mechanical and just sad. That kiss had been… It was everything to her.
She parked alone in a lot near by, when she became unable to see through her own falling tears. Breaking down, she cried a long time before switching seats and laying in the back again to just remember it all, play it over and over in her mind and smell the scent of Amy still on her skin and in her car and on that seat. That was the most she had seen of her friend all month. And it was the first time they'd really been alone for more than five minutes.
Playing it over in her mind, Karma realized something she needed to see. Just now she had done everything wrong but it was all for a brief fleeting moment of right. Nothing could change that or take it back. No matter what happened now she'd know she wasn't crazy. She wanted Amy even more than she ever thought she could or would. It wasn't a dream or a trick of a problem with jealousy. Karma loved her. She was in love.