A/N: I've done it again! Can't help it! After tonight's episode and the amazing bromance scenes between Castiel and Sam, I had to do something. I'm posting it as a sequel to my fic 'The Pros and Cons of Breathing' that was a tag to last week's episode. It just fitted well to start from that story and to go on with this. I do recommend you read the other piece first. It would make more sense, of course.
Summary: Sequel to my other story and somewhat of a tag to 9x11. Sam has settled things with Dean even though there are tensions remaining between them. This is the part where he settles things with Cas. It's inspired by the Cas/Sam bromance in [First Born].
Disclaimer: The show and its characters belong to Kripke and the CW.
I hope you enjoy! If you don't mind taking a few seconds to leave feedback, it would be really appreciated!
SUPERNATURAL
Dean had been back to the bunker for about a week now. He had rushed back in after Castiel's call about Sam's condition. Sam had finally agreed to have Dean back but even though apologies had been spoken, things still weren't the same between them. Maybe they never would be.
Sam was still pissed at Dean actually. 'Pissed' right about sounded like the understatement of the year too. He really blamed Dean for taking control of everything once again. The fact that his big brother had decided of his fate one more time had distraught him more than anything else. If he had been allowed to make his own choices, he would be gone by now. That's what he had wanted.
Physically, Sam was healthier than he'd been in a long time. Castiel was through the process of healing him completely and he had resumed taking care of himself. But emotionally he was still wrecked. He kept thinking that if it weren't for his own private celestial rescue mission, many lives would have been spared, Kevin's included. He just didn't see how his life could be worth more than theirs.
He was doing his best to behave around Dean as well but there was always something in the back of his mind that nagged him every time his brother said something. Strangely, he had grown closer to the angel as the gap between him and Dean only widened.
Castiel had been worthier of his trust as of late. While the angel healed him, they often shared bits of usual conversations. Castiel would try to bring up the subject regarding Dean and the whole trust issue deal but Sam always seemed to clam up at the mention of his brother's name.
At some point, Sam grew tired of sitting and waiting. He wanted to catch Gadreel so he could take care of his unfinished business with him. But whatever he did, he still longed to find a concrete lead on the angel. He had no lead on Metatron either and that only seemed to feed his anxiousness.
Castiel saw how Sam was starting to work himself up and decided to make a move at some point. The youngest Winchester was doing research while his older brother was out. The angel seized the momentum to intervene while he still had work to do before healing Sam completely.
He walked towards the Winchester while trying his best to not frighten him. He even cleared his throat to make his entrance more noticeable. Sam instantly looked up from his work when he spotted his friend.
"Hey Cas" he greeted.
"Sam"
"What's up with you?"
Castiel remained quiet for a few seconds, studying Sam closely. The guy did look much better than he did a week ago but those conclusions where only based on his observations of Sam's physical state.
"Cas?" Sam asked, his gaze deepening as he was still expecting the angel's answer.
Castiel shrugged it off quickly.
"I have come to heal you" he said, raising two fingers at Sam's eye-level.
Sam's eyebrows knit and he put a hand up to stop the angel's initiative. There were things he needed to know first.
"Is it going to take much longer to heal me?"
He needed to know because the more Castiel healed him, the guiltier he felt about the lives Gadreel had taken and the fact that those people didn't get to be saved.
Castiel frowned. He was trying to read through Sam's question but it proved to be difficult.
"I should be able to fully heal you soon. Why do you ask?"
Sam lowered his gaze and he suddenly looked uncomfortable. Castiel saw it right away. He was getting better each day when it came to reading Sam's emotions. He could tell on the spot that something was bothering his friend.
"Something is bothering you, Sam. What is it?" he blurted out.
Sam was surprised at first. He didn't expect the angel to be able to read him so easily. Dean knew him like an open book but Castiel had never been quite the sensitive observant type.
It ended with a sigh and a shrug. There was no point in hiding it anyway. His cover was busted no matter what he tried.
"Maybe I shouldn't be healed… why would I even deserve that?" he started.
Castiel's usually stoic features hardened.
"Why wouldn't you?"
"Because… I…" Sam had raised a hand in the air to make a point but his conviction died on his lips before the words were even spoken. His eyes shifted from side to side as if he wasn't seeing anything or didn't know where to look for answers.
A helpless sigh escaped his lips. His shoulders slouched and his head soon bowed to follow.
"Because people died because of me… I might not have been the one behind the wheel but it was my hand that killed them. Why should I be saved when they died?" he asked, his dewy hazel eyes pleading for absolution.
Castiel was taken aback by Sam's painful admission and how it reflected the guilt that the youngest Winchester had to carry with him.
"Sam, when Dean made the decision to let an angel in to save you…" Castiel started but he never had the chance to conclude that sentence.
"Dean didn't save me! He took control of things again. He just couldn't afford to lose and now we're stuck with both a powerful angel and a dangerous demon up our asses! If I'd at least completed the trials, we would be half way through a solution right now"
"But you would be dead" Castiel stated instantly. He wasn't saying it like it was a good thing. His tone even sounded somewhat accusatory, as if he blamed Sam for not taking that part into consideration when formulating his equation.
Sam looked at him with shamefully pained eyes. Castiel sighed and looked down at the floor while he picked his words carefully. When he looked back up, there was only determination in his eyes.
"I understand that you are mad at your brother. I really do. But Dean didn't do this to trick you. He did what he thought was the right thing to do. He is the one who has been cheated. Gadreel wasn't the man he said he was and he played his cards convincingly well"
Sam glared at the angel, his nerves starting to grate.
"Why are you defending Dean?"
"I did not mean it like that. Sam, I have learned a lot from my time as a human. As an angel I have made mistakes. I have trusted Metatron when I thought what he asked of me was done for the greater good" Castiel admitted.
"What's your point, Cas?"
The angel breathed deeply, his cerulean eyes never leaving Sam's.
"That I understand now. I have been human and I experienced some things that have changed me. I understand your brother's motives because I have taken the same decisions. I wanted to protect what mattered the most to me and I was ready to put my trust into the man that wanted me to believe that he could help me achieve my goals. What I mean is that I would have done anything" Castiel said in one breath and then let Sam a few seconds to ingest what he had been saying.
"Obviously, you are what matters most to your brother and he too was ready to do anything to protect that. To protect you. But sometimes we make mistakes and we have to live with the consequences" he continued.
Sam bowed his head, unsettled from the emotions that surged inside of his chest.
"Think of what Dean has to live with everyday. He has to face the fact that he needed to lie to you in order to keep you safe. He has to live with the fact that he has been trumped and that you have been put through painful experiences because of him. Can you imagine the kind of guilt that he carries with him right now? All of this has served for one purpose only and that was to keep you safe" the angel picked up again.
Sam swallowed down the lump that was forming in his throat.
"Being human" Castiel started after taking a pause to catch his breath, "has helped me understand. I understand Dean and the kind of guilt that he has to carry with him. After what happened, I have discovered that unpleasant feeling and it would not leave me until I accepted to live with the consequences of what I did"
"Why are you telling me all this, Cas?" Sam asked, his eyes verging on emotional fatigue.
"Because it changed the way I perceive you, Sam. When I first met you, I despised you for what you stood for. I pictured you as an abomination because of that blood that ran into your veins and what you decided to do with it. If someone can understand your brother and I, it's you Sam. What led you to drinking demon blood wasn't a part of you that was evil. It was a part of you that wanted to do the right thing to protect what mattered the most to you" the angel brought on.
Sam's bottom lip trembled and almost curled into a pout. He couldn't look at the angel anymore or Castiel would see the glimmer of tears in his eyes.
"I understand that now. I understand you and I understand that guilt you carry. You must not let it get the upper hand on what is really important" Castiel pleaded.
"Then what now?" Sam struggled to ask over the lump of emotions that had settled in his throat.
"I want you to see the value of your life as much as I do. If it weren't for you Sam, I would have died. It certainly made me realize how fragile life was. Your life is your most valuable possession and I will not let you think beneath that"
"So what, are you going to be my spiritual guru or something?" Sam joked, the intensity of the moment making him uneasy.
Castiel looked at him seriously. "I do not understand that reference but you have saved my life, Sam. So please let this be my way of saving yours" the angel demanded.
Sam's lips turned into a light lopsided smile. His eyes remained thoughtful but some of the earlier tension was already gone. Something in the angel's words had reached home to him and left him reflecting on things.
He finally nodded. "Thanks Cas"
The angel smiled and proceeded to heal Sam. His smile widened when he pulled his fingers back from Sam's forehead.
"Sam, I have now fully healed you. The choice is yours. It is your life after all. But remember that you have done great things and that your selfless intentions have always guided your actions even when said actions were sometimes – let's say – questionable" Castiel recalled with a lopsided grin.
Sam's own lips curled into a smile. He remembered exactly what the angel was referring to. On a whim, he stood up and pulled the angel into a friendly embrace. Castiel was shocked and remained stoic by the sudden display of friendly affection.
"You're kinda supposed to… hug back… you know" Sam remarked playfully at the angel's arms that were still dangling by his sides.
"Right" Castiel nodded and completed the gesture.
Sam smiled as he pulled away.
"Thank you Cas. For everything" he said honestly.
The angel smiled proudly and nodded.
Dean came back from whatever he was out doing and spotted his brother and his friend by the table where Sam's laptop lay open. He noticed the smile both of them were giving each other and frowned as if he'd missed something important and was trying to figure out what it was.
"Hey guys! Everything okay?" he asked.
Both heads turned to him.
Sam gave him the best smile he had seen in days. Actually, it was the best smile he'd gotten from Sam in a long time.
"Yeah Dean. Everything's going to be fine"
THE END
A/N 2: Is it just me or I'm freaking crying at every episodes these days?! The damn feels in that season!
A/N 3: Oh yeah I totally had to use that fully awkward hug scene between Sam and Cas! I just laughed too much when that came on! But really Cas' speech to Sam just took my breath away! Misha is truly angelic in that scene :D
I like how this turned out! I hoped you liked it too! It was fun to write anyway. Thanks for the support :)