A/N : This is just a little, one shot, humorous ficlet that I felt like writing. I was in a weird mood today, so if this story is a little bit weird you'll know why. Just don't take this too seriously and leave a review if you like it please.
Title : Of Slays and Lays
Author : Ultrawoman
Rating : PG-13
Disclaimer : I do not own Buffy the Vampire Slayer or any of it's characters, etc - it all belongs to Joss Whedon.
Summary : Xander and Spike have a drink and a talk.
Setting : This is AU season six, after As You Were and Hell's Bells, so Xander has left Anya at the altar and Buffy has dumped Spike. Also for the sake of this story everyone knows about Buffy and Spike's 'relationship'.
In the middle of a graveyard, Xander Harris sat on a tombstone, drowning his sorrows in yet another bottle of vodka. He'd left Anya at the alter - why had he done it? He still loved her! And then he'd found out Buffy had been sleeping with Spike and she'd dumped him! What was up with the universe? Right at that moment, Xander didn't care, he was too drunk and so alone...
"Who's there?" an annoying British accent asked, and Xander looked up to see a drunken Spike coming toward him, swaying as he walked.
"Just me" Xander replied, "What do you want bleach-boy?"
"On the way back to my crypt, not that it's any of your business, whelp!" Spike replied, as he reached the brunettes side.
"Y'know what? I don't care" Xander laughed, humourlessly, "Wanna drink?" he offered the vamp the bottle and he took it with a nod of his head, sitting down beside him.
"We're pathetic aren't we?" Xander sighed putting his head in his hands.
"Yep, dumped and dumper" Spike gestured to himself and then the man beside him, "Really pathetic. What would Buffy and Anya think?"
"Y'know I thought I loved her once" Xander sighed again, deeply, and Spike almost choked on his mouthful of alcohol.
"Anya? Well, I should bloody well hope so you almost married the bint!"
"No, no, no, no" Xander repeated the word whilst he tried to remember the rest of his vocabulary "not Anya...Buffy"
"Yes, I know you used to have a thing for the Slayer" Spike sighed "you and every other bugger, I'm starting to think it's contagious" he mumbled with a disgusted look.
"I did not have a *thing* for her!" Xander stood up as he yelled and almost fell straight back down again, "I thought I was in love with her and it hurt when..."
"When she didn't even notice?" Spike interjected.
"Yeah" Xander sighed once more, dropping back onto his 'seat'.
"Tell you what's worse" the vampire beside him offered the bottle back to the human "Being told you don't even feel what you feel, that you don't feel anything"
Xander took a swig of vodka and continued to speak as if he hadn't even heard Spike at all.
"I did a lot for her y'know. I slayed vamps, I risked my life, she was too busy with Angel" he sneered the vamps name, gulping yet more vodka and passing the bottle back to Spike, who made an annoyed sound.
"God knows what she saw in a poofter like Peaches" he huffed, going for another drink and throwing the bottle away when he found it empty. The sound of shattering glass made Xander jump a little.
"She could love him, why couldn't she love me?" Spike wondered aloud.
"He had a soul" Xander pointed out.
"So? Like that's such a big deal!" Spike got annoyed much more quickly with the aid of the vodka.
"I still hated him" the brunette commented making the bleach blond laugh out loud.
"Well, fairs fair whelp, you hate me too"
Xander just nodded a reply and silence fell over the cemetery again.
The silence made both of them think about their depression and that wasn't helpful to eithe rof them so Spike continued the conversation.
"Course, after Angel it was Soldier Boy" he said, with just as much disgust placed on both names.
"Riley? Yeah, he was better for my Buffster" Xander nodded.
"Better for her?" Spikes voice got higher and louder as he managed to get to his feet "Are you insane? He was paying to be bitten by undead women of a...let's just say, of questionable reputation" surprising himself that the multi-syllable words came to mind even when he was so far out of it.
"Vampire sluts?" Xander brought it down to simple terms and Spike wondered why he didn't just put it that way.
"Equivalent of" he shrugged, slumping down on the tombstone once again.
"Wow" the brunette started to think, "So if Buffy is willing to sleep with two vamps and a vamps suck-toy, why didn't I get my chance?"
"Not all it's cracked up to be mate - Slayer sex, I mean" Spike told him with a slap on the back.
"You kidding?" his 'friend' raised an eye-brow.
"Well..." he considered "yeah, actually it was bloody fantastic" Spike admitted "Best I've had in all my hundred and something years" he said, unable to do the calculation of his live and undead years right now.
"Great, so the evil dead has had better sex than me?!" Xander flung his arms in the air.
"You had Anya" the vampire reminded him.
"Yeah...but I lost her, I did a stupid thing!" Xander shook his head violently, but soon stopped when he realised rapid head movement was not good when drunk.
"So we're both stupid" Spike ventured.
"And drunk" Xander added.
"Yeah, what are we gonna do about that?"
"DIE!" roared the beast that appeared in front of them.
"Bloody hell"
"Uh-oh"
The two spoke together, their eyes wide with shock as they looked upon a green and purple, large and slimy, type of demon. They didn't have time to think of what to do before a female voice interrupted.
"Hey, you with the slime"
The mutant hauled itself around to face the owner of the voice, a short blonde girl with a look of determination and annoyance on her features.
"What do we have here?" the demon smirked, oozing slime from everywhere.
"Ever heard of the Slayer?" Buffy tilted her head.
"Oh yes, she's quite the celebrity around here" the demon beamed.
"Well, congratulations, you just hit the big time" Buffy smiled sweetly, before turning and laying every complex move she knew on the creature "because I'm her" she said between kicks and punches, "and nobody messes with my men!" she ended as she dealt the fatal blow.
"Her men?" Xander and Spike mouthed to each there, still sitting on the tombstone, drunk and in shock.
"Hey guys" Buffy smiled, walking around the slimey pile of dead demon. They both stared up at her with strange expressions.
"You're drunk?" she guessed.
"Maybe a little bit" Xander admitted.
"Well, you had to be" Buffy laughed slightly at the sight of them, almost leaning on each other and completely wasted "You'd never be hanging out together if you were sober"
The two looked at each other, shrugged and looked back at the woman before them.
"So, when you said to that demon, that we were your guys..." Xander started but Buffy knew where he was going before he even finished the question.
"Xander you're my best friend, that's what I meant, nothing else - I mean, you're great and everything but you're in love with Anya and me, I'm..." she trailed off, glancing at the ground.
"You're..." Xander prompted but Buffy seemed to have changed her mind about that sentence.
"Enough with the touchy feelies" Spike groaned "I've got a question!"
"What is it Spike?" Buffy rolled her eyes and turned to him.
"If he's one of 'your men' because he's your best mate" he gestured back at Xander with his thumb "what am I?"
"Yeah, what is he?" Xander wanted to know, gesturing at Spike the same way the vamp had just pointed at him. Buffy didn't get a chance to answer as another bottle blonde came running over.
"Hey guys, I heard noises, sounded like a Sloyka demon, are you okay?"
"Er, yeah, we're fine" Buffy smiled to her friend and Xander dropped to his knees in front of Anya.
"Anya, I'm sorry, I know that's all I keep saying but I'm sorry about everything and I still love you, I wish you could forgive me" he was almost sobbing and Spike and Buffy rolled their eyes at each other, assuming the brunettes attempts were futile.
"You wish?" Anya asked him and Xander looked up from the ground and into her eyes.
"Yeah, I do" he nodded. Anya smiled wide.
"Wish granted"
She held out her hand to Xander who took it gratefully and hauled himself up off of the floor.
"I forgive you Xander" she smiled "Now lets go have sex" she suggested, pulling him out of the graveyard.
"Wow, I love that my girlfriend is a vengeance demon!" Xander called back over his shoulder as he let himself be dragged away.
Buffy laughed out loud at the unbelievable events that had just taken place. She stopped abruptly when she felt a hand on her shoulder.
"So Buffy, what am I to you, you never answered the question..." Spike asked, seriously.
"Spike..." she started, with a look he didn't like.
"No, don't tell me I don't want to know" he took his hand away and turned to walk off but she grabbed at his arm, turned him around again and kissed him on the lips with so much force he almost fell backwards.
"Wow" he gasped as she pulled away.
"Well that was inarticulate, for a poet" she giggled "but apparently you were a bloody awful poet anyway" she added in her best fake British accent, which really wasn't very good.
"Shut up Slayer" he said, half annoyed by her comment but mostly reeling from the kiss "I'm good at other things" he shrugged.
"Yeah, I know" she smiled, genuinely, as Spike turned away. He remembered that when she kissed him like that it, well, it didn't mean what he wanted it to.
"And I know that I love you too" she added suddenly, making him stop in his tracks.
He turned to see her still smiling - she actually loved him, could it be...?
"I'm dreaming aren't I" he sighed dramatically "Bloody Hell!" he yelled looking up at the sky.
Buffy moved over to him and put her hands on either side of his face, making him look at her.
"Well, if you're dreaming" she said seriously "then I must be too" before pulling his head down and kissing him again. Their arms wrapped around each other as they got lost in the kiss until Buffy needed to breathe. She pulled back a little but stayed in his arms, smiling widely still.
"I love you too" Spike sighed "Let's get back to the crypt, before we wake up" he smiled down at her, suddenly not quite so drunk and definitely the opposite of depressed.
"I don't mind waking up" she admitted as they walked together, their arms around each other "so long as I wake up with you"
THE END
A/N : Sorry if you don't like the ending but I just had to get some fluffy Spuffy in somewhere! Please leave a review if you liked this - thankyou!