Kuchiki Byakuya, After the War

hurt/comfort (not sure how much comfort) after the Winter War. spoilers.

Disclaimer - Bleach is still owned by someone else.

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Hello. It's Wednesday again, and I miss you.

It's cold today. It's been a busy week. The fight with Aizen finally came to a head, in the World of the Living. I heard it was bad, but we won.

I was in Hueco Mundo, where Aizen had been encamped. One of the hollows there – they called themselves Espada – tried to kill me. He tried to get me to kill your sister. You can guess how much longer he lived after trying that. I nearly killed myself doing it, but he's gone.

It's only a few months ago that I was ready to kill her myself, and now there I was ready to throw my life away for her. I'm getting closer to her. You'd be happy about that. I'm finally accepting her.

But it's still hard. I resent her so much. It's like she's taking you away from me. Not my heart – that will always be yours – but my memories. She looks so much like you, every movement and mannerism is like yours, but they're completely different. And it's hard for me to remember what you looked like, or smelled like, or smiled like. My memories of you are disappearing because of her.

God! It hurts me so much! You deserve to never be forgotten. You were so beautiful, so perfect, it kills me to feel you slipping away. What purpose do I have in life other than to remember you? And I hate her for it. I sometimes think that my vow to Soul Society was just an excuse. I wanted her dead. I wanted that execution to happen. I wanted her to stop mocking my every memory of you.

I was wrong to feel that way. I know. I love her as a sister now, as your sister and mine. But I can't stop feeling that way.

I should never feel joy again. You deserve that. When I let myself feel happy in her presence, I'm dishonoring you. I should be a stone monument to you. A thousand years from now, I should be aching the way I did when I lost you. I'm a nobleman; I'm trained to be perfect. The only thing I can give you is my perfection. It's the only thing I have. It's the only thing I've ever been able to give you. If I forget you, if I forget one moment of my life with you, if I try to remember some little gesture of yours and remember hers instead, what kind of a monster does that make me?

It was so much easier back when I never looked at her.

And there's something else. I've always been honest with you, so I have to admit this too. When I saved her life, when I let myself feel so protective of her, I couldn't understand how you could have ever let her go. And that's not fair of me. I've never gone without a meal. I've never experienced the life you did. I have no right to judge you. But I can feel myself doing that. I'm such a hypocrite. A few months ago, I was the one she needed to be protected from, and here I am judging you?

I have had an easy life. I'm supposed to be a hero, a protector. I was trained to protect the innocent from my birth. I will protect her.

Anyway, the captains all made it through the fight. And that human I told you about, Kurosaki, he ended up defeating Aizen. He has a good heart. But there's something about him, I want to punch him in the face every time I see him. He's like an even dumber version of Abarai. You'd like him.

Anyway, I'm supposed to be inside healing. Captain Unohana has me on bed rest. But I had to come by to see you today.

I'll be back next Wednesday.

I miss you.