A/N Alright. This is gonna be... a strange thing, in all probability. I originally wrote the first fifteen chapters of this story in my first month or so when I was serving as a full-time Mormon missionary, but then I threw it all away because I didn't like it. What can I say about it? Well, I don't really know what's going to happen after a certain point, but before we get there you're going to see Scooby-Doo, Starscream, the Care Bears, Draco (of Dragonheart fame), Batman, Karl Marx, and a whole lot more. It's going to be totally sick, and I don't really know if I mean that as "really cool" or "diseased."
Also, this is going to be updated kind of haphazardly. I have no idea how long this is going to go on. I'm not even entirely sure what, if anything, is going to happen after I end the arc that I was about to begin before I tore this all up the first time around. In fact, feel free to make suggestions. This is total crack fic, which makes me feel a little bit better about not having the whole thing written before I post the first chapter.
The Acts of the Chief High Judge
Chapter One: The Beginning
Forasmuch as many have taken in hand to set forth a writing of the things of he that was the Chief High Judge (blessed be the name that is not spoken),
And seeing how many errors have crept into the understanding of the people, as pertains to his doings and his words,
It seemed good to me also, having a more perfect understanding of all things from the very first, having heard the words of the Chief High Judge (blessed be the name &c &c) even as they fell from his lips, to write unto thee, most humble Billy, son of my sister and that rapscallion she calls her husband,
In order that thou mightiest know the certainty of those things, wherein thou hast been instructed
(And do I apologize for calling your father a rapscallion, for verily we did both promise your mother, after that incident with the noodles and the combine harvester, that we would be civil regarding each other from then on)
Now it came to pass that in the beginning there was the Big House
And the Big House was aptly-named, yea, even as it was very big, and was a house, even a house for the Man Upstairs, who dwelt therein.
And in the Big House were many rooms.
And so vast was the Big House, and so numerous its rooms, that it came to pass that the Man Upstairs could not maintain them all.
And it came to pass that he hired the services of a janitor, yea, even The Janitor, who cleaneth all things.
And it came to pass that The Janitor did go out into each and every room, cleaning withersoever he went.
And in one of the rooms he came across a world, yea, even our own.
(Now though it may be vast to us, The Janitor is vaster still, and to Him it was as a marble is to your hand and this is how it was contained within a room, and unnoticed by the Man Upstairs)
And The Janitor saw that the world was besieged by the Dust, yea, even the forces of Chaos and all destruction and tyranny.
And he did see as the dust-bunnies, and the dust-gaunts, and the dust-bears, did make war upon the children of the world in terrible forms.
And The Janitor did take His mighty tools, yea, even His broom, and His mop, and His white glove,
And it came to pass that He did clean the whole room,
Yea, for He did clean the floors, and under the couch, and around it, and even in between the cushions thereof, wherein he found a penny,
And He did even clean the knickknacks that were upon the exceedingly-hard-to-reach shelves.
And it came to pass that, having cleaned the whole room, He did pass out of the room by the way which He had come,
For He was The Janitor, and in His Master's house were many rooms, and all these needed cleaning.
But it was written, as had been told to the wise and the humble in their sleep, that The Janitor would return again,
For verily, verily, the work did never cease, and as soon as the last room was clean so would someone knocketh over the fine china or spill expensive wine on the white carpet in another room. Even so.
(And it came to pass that a dragon did come into the room, but the dragon then left straightway again, for he was drunken from a party being held elsewhere in the Big House, and was merely very lost)