I do not own Loveless...
HEAVY SPOILERS for Volume 6 and 7. Not alot of originality in this fic. It's just a rehash of the manga. Literally. Most of it, word for word. This is more or less a writing excercise for me to get back into the swing of things!
Worthless, Priceless
It's silent where I kneel - where I kneel in front of my flat easel, black brush in my hand - and layering the smooth bristles, a deep red -
It's silent there in the school studio - in the late afternoon, a lazy time...
In the spring, the warm, gentle air drifts through smelling vaguely of damp dirt, and the newly budding flowers. The flowers growing on my canvas, flattering the always silent wings of the butterflies -
Reaching down, my brush trails across the white canvas, blurring the blue and reds together - and some sort of violet grows...
But sanctuary is transient -
A dark side of me knows this - and sure enough, it's Kio coming in now - for night classes - maybe...
"Hmmm..." I can already visualize the quirk of his everlasting lolipop. "Soubi's been here since this morning. That is strange."
Behind the long bangs which drift persistantly into my eyes - falling out of my ponytail, I frown at the canvas.
Another Kio distraction. How... frustrating... it's so hard to put into words. Exasperation, perhaps?
He was already here early in the morning, babbling about the "brats" as he called them... Kio... Why...
---
"Shhh... Don't bother him. He's in a bad mood."
"Agatsuma is very scary looking today..."
They're whispering about Soubi-chan again.
"Eh?" I blink as I stare over at the dark shadow of Soubi, sitting before his picture, his movements as slow, calm, graceful -
It's a beautiful thing to watch him - his swift, sure, deft -
I tear my eyes away to glance at the worried faces of my two classmates.
The idiots, I think fondly. They know nothing... And perhaps... too hard to explain...
I edge over to my ever silent companion. And my eyes widen.
"Ah... it's true. He's painting a very beautiful drawing. The red is very pretty don't you think?"
Soubi... red... and blue... the red of your wounds - your wounded - heart, perhaps? and blue... the blue of your eyes - your distant hope...
I sigh.
"When he draws like that. It's a bit risky. Those kinds of drawings? I like them but..." I shrug as I try to explain... more or less to myself... "I don't really understand it, but flowers and butterflies... He paints those things when he's very stressed..."
It makes me wonder.
"Those are the times he paints his most beautiful drawings."
All those times - how much were you hurting?
----
What is that guy doing? I smell a fighter...
That dark hair, those dark eyes. Ears... Tail... The smell of a strong fighter... but I am stronger?
His name...
"Nisei," Seimei had said.
is probably -
"Nisei," Seimei had said.
I could never mistake who this voice belongs to -
Nisei, who said, "Who is this?" - in that mocking voice of his...
Nisei -
I'll kill him...
"Sou-chaan..." Kio's voice interrupts my murders thoughts.
My brush pulls away, leaving an artistic trail of red -
Red blood. HIS blood.
Nisei.
"What do you prefer, a cigarette or a lollipop?"
What do I want? What DO I want?
I want -
I look up at him, blankly.
"Why don't you take a break? You've been working all day. They even said your face is scary..."
Scary? Am I scary? Or -
Is it just - worthlessness...
Do I deserve to want -
----
"Try talking to Kio-chan," I ask him, trying to be as encouraging as possible.
He frowns at me - no...
It's not just a frown...
Anger. Sadness. Pain... all rolled into one chaotic bundle.
But that's my Sou-chan for you, I guess.
"What is wrong?" I try to wheedle it out of him.
I know it won't come.
As usual, he side-steps the issue.
"My face?"
"Yes... yes..." I nod, offering him my lollipop. "You need something sweet."
But his face tells me this not time for joking. Soubi looks down, tasting the lollipop tentatively. He seems so down, I want to wrap my arms around him - but that would cause more harm than anything...
"Ah..." he hesitated. "How do I say this... I... I was thinking... why am I so easy to throw away?"
"Throw away?" I wince.
----
He's looking shocked. I can tell. But -
I have to ask this. Maybe he knows. He's been around the longest.
"Why won't anyone take me?"
Mom.
Dad.
Ritsu-sensei...
"I... When somebody decides to go -
Mom. Dad. Ritus-sensei. Seimei...
"I will always be left behind..."
Seimei... Seimei with Nisei...
"After all, I'm like garbage. So I'm just going to be thrown away in the end, aren't I?"
----
No. You're not like garbage at all. It's not that...
No. Not at all. You're mine, Sou-chan.
Why can't you see that?
It seems so ironic - that Soubi chases after all those other people - and in the end...
And what can I do but watch and pick up the pieces afterward?
"Why are you so depressed?"
----
"Those two chibis left..." I sigh.
Not just the chibis - but -
Seimei...
"Eh? Where did they go?"
"Well... they went back home..."
It's not really something Kio can hold - this tremendous secret of mine... he can never understand...
"What... they're going to stay there for a few days and then come back?"
"No."
But then... no... it isn't really about them is it...
It's...
Seimei has a fighter.
Other than me.
Why?
When I was so good to him?
"Nisei" (Seimei had said) -
"Nisei" -
I want to kill you.
----
His gentle eyes have gone as hard as glass. A wall hiding some sort of darkness I can only guess at...
"Sou-chan. What a strange face," I know my face is a picture of worry... but...
"I'm not joking. It's really scary. What happened?"
The two brats leaving couldn't have done this to Sou-chan. They amused him - no... this is...
The phone rings - before he can answer - or stall - or sidestep - or just ignore me as he usually does...
"Sou-chan! Phone!"
I watch him leave the room to step outside into the hall for relative privacy. Inching toward the door, I strain my ears for the conversation.
"Good morning, Ritsuka. What is it?"
It's the kid. The Aoyagi between me and Sou-chan.
How depressing - to be upstaged by a middle-school kid!
"I'll do as you like."
He says that to Ritsuka - but to no one else... it's that annoying slave mentality.
It makes a guy weep... why can't Sou-chan just - be free to do as HE likes...
"Heh. You want to go to an onsen? How nice."
Onsen? What the heck?
No WAY! Ritsuka and Soubi at an ONSEN! TOGETHER! ALONE! I gotta go!!!
----
"I want to go to Goura and to the Nanatsu no Tsuki," his young voice is uncertain.
Ritsuka. What must I do to keep you near?
Will you leave me? Does all this matter to you - what I do?
"Then don't make a request: give me an order."
I really hate pain. And if I'm in pain, I don't need a heart.
This is the only way I can survive, perhaps. But is there going to be a day -
That someone will take me - will hold me - and never let go.
"Don't treat me as if I'm human -"
Listen to what I'm really saying, Ritsuka. Please.
"I want you to treat me like a thing."
"I don't understand what you're thinking. But I know what I should do," he sounds so honest.
So young.
So full of hope.
He hasn't heard that voice.
"Nisei."
He hasn't heard that voice call someone else.
He never will.
He is Aoyagi Ritsuka, Beloved's beloved.
"Take me to Nanatsu no Tsuki! It's an order!"
He is Aoyagi Ritsuka, Beloved's beloved.
And his word is my order.
----
When that chance came -
To kill "Nisei", Ritsuka was there.
"Soubi!!!"
He's cute when he's concerned, I mused.
"It's okay," I reassured him."
"Why are there two names?" He asked, seriously confused. "You and he are BOTH Beloved? Aren't the names supposed to be unique?"
So perhaps then, that is it.
I am no unique. I am disposable...
"No," Nisei smirked. "It's because Soubi is an imposter."
How true...
I can't say anything against that...
But Ritsuka's anger, widens my eyes.
----
"I didn't ask you!" I yelled at our opponent.
Me and Soubi. We. Ours.
Us.
"Shut up!"
He's mine. Mine. Not Seimei's. Not anyone's - then...
"Ritsuke - if Ritsuka decides..." Soubi says softly, his melodic voice seems soft as the whispering hum of a butterfly's wings).
His voice - is a spell...
"If Ritsuka accepts me -"
I have.
"If Ritsuka allows me -"
I always will.
"If Ritsuka claims me -"
I do!
"Then," he turns to me, uncertain. "Then I can become yours.
And I know - that this is no lie. He lied - Sensei was right. He lied because he wanted to impress me. Like a child, because he'd been abandoned so many times before.
How desperate.
I had a feeling that what Nisei said was true. Soubi is an imposter - but... my feelings toward Soubi - have to be... pity.
Pity is not good. There is always pain.
Always.
There is always regret. But...
If it's because of pity that my chest hurts like this...
I draw him into a hug.
Let him be mine.
Forever.
----
"Because Beloved is his name, you'll be under his power," his arms - that warmth - that power - that strength - wrap around me.
It's so comforting. It's more.
"I will become your power. You are my fighter."
We stand there embracing.
"The only one. Loveless' fighter."
And we are one.