a/n: This is an angst. Yup. And a tsuzuki centric fic. It's rated R for...well a lot of reasons. No pairings. This does not have a happy ending. It will make you cry. Part of this is lyrics from the song "serenity" by godsmack. They will be in italics. Just a warning. Welcome to my December... 12/07/06
'As I sit here and slowly close my eyes, i take another deep breath...'
Tsuzuki closed his eyes tiredly and took a deep breath.
The haunting music filled his mind even now that the room was cast into silence.
Utter and complete silence.
'And everyday I hold you, I hold you with my inner child.'
Little Asato.
It was his fault.
He was the one who had to love people.
People who hated him.
People who abused him.
None of that mattered to little Asato.
He still insisted upon being called by that name.
He hadn't aged a day past seven in over a hundred years.
Some times Tsuzuki truly believed little Asato was a completely different person, simply somehow trapped in his mind.
But those memories were too painfully real for that idea to possibly be true.
'Why do we dream when our thoughts mean nothing?'
What he meant was his worthlessness to everyone around him.
Little Asato dreamed of many things.
He dreamed of true love.
He dreamed of true friendship.
He dreamed of one day seeing his big sister again.
But those dreams, especially the last, were impossible for him to attain physically.
Ruka.
His beloved sister, she...she was in heaven and he was bound for hell.
Little Asato thought not of this fact for he was far too young to understand his sins.
He was before the murder.
He was before the lust.
He was before the blood.
He was before the demon.
He was before the hurt and the pain and the suffering and so Tsuzuki was content not to tell him of these things.
But Tsuzuki himself could not forget them.
He could never forgive himself.
He'd take his eternal punishment in as much anguish and suffering as Enma wanted.
But not yet.
Not until he was satisfied.
Not until little Asato existed in mere memory.
He couldn't put the child through that.
He wouldn't.
Little Asato was the only one who'd loved him and in return he'd gave him the protection he'd longed for since his sister's tragic death.
No...not death.
Her murder.
His murder.
Her blood on his hands.
His senseless lust for her.
He'd condemned himself for feeling that way.
He knew it was wrong.
He couldn't stand to look at her anymore and so he'd killed her in her sleep.
For all the love and care she'd given to him unconditionally...he returned it by killing her.
For that he would never ever forgive himself.
Even if he could redeem his soul, he'd never accept reward.
In his mind he hugged little Asato close and kissed his forehead.
'Sweet innocent Asato. Don't grow up ever.'
Those small, delicate arms wrapped themselves back around himself with a smile.
'I'll be here for as long as you need me Tsuzuki. I still love you. In spite of what you've done.'
And he was gone.
Tsuzuki stood from the chair and turned off the light.
Standing there in the cool darkness he could faintly remember the sound of his own sobs on that night so very long ago.
Exactly one hundred years had passed on this day that he had killed her.
It was a day of guilt.
A day of memories.
A day of pain.
A day of suffering.
A day of self punishment.
A day he would never forget.
The clock chimed the first of twelve strikes.
Though this signified the day was over, this pain he would forever carry.
'Where do we go when we just don't know? I need Serenity...'