I do not own charmed

Author's note: I actually had someone in mind for who Chris is referring to, she was a beautiful girl that he lost to time, but as it stands, i will leave that up to you guys' imagination.

We met when I first got into school, you all had spent kindergarten together, and I had just transferred, we hit things off pretty quickly, and I learned to love you. Your presence was soothing, the simple knowledge that I had someone to look forward to seeing, and a partner in crime. We played games and spent every possible minute together. School vacations were hard because I knew that I wouldn't get to see you every day. I trusted you, and told you everything, my secrets, my feelings, my fears, everything.

Up until I met you I didn't know love apart from that I could feel towards my family, so in that sense you were my very first love, it was a beautiful friendship. I protected you from the people that picked on you, because I was loud and outgoing and I would never let anybody talk to you badly. And you, you protected me from the loneliness, we complimented each other grandly.

I learned to hate the days when you would get sick, it would mean that I would spend a whole day by myself, and those days felt like they were eternities long…

And when you would come back I knew that the loneliness was gone, and like sunshine you light up my life.

When you transferred schools, I was devastated, I had met someone that I so looked forward to seeing every day, and knowing that I was losing you felt so cruel.. Even to this day I don't remember what I did that year.

The next year and the very first day back, I remember looking at my new classroom, and I didn't feel the same kind of thrill that I used to when I thought of going to school, but like in the movies as I was walking across a flood of parents and students, I saw your mother, and I knew, the only reason she could be here, is if you were here as well.

And just like that all the dread I had felt dissipated and when I found you, it was like I found a piece of myself. You were back, and I once again had a home to go to.

but as cruel fate would have it, we didn't end up in the same class, in Elementary school, different classes were like different worlds. And once again I felt isolated. You thrived and I hated you for forgetting me so easily.

Still we were best friends and aside from class we spent as much time as possible together, we played games, and shared our food.

You taught me how to share, how to love and fear god, you taught me so many things. The purity of your heart astounded me, and I loved how you could make me see the world through a different set of eyes. But as much as I loved you, I also hurt you so much. I have always been a cold person, protecting my heart, and when you made mistakes that hurt me, whether they were intentional or not, I always made sure you hurt as much as I did. I ignored you for days, to such points that our classmates would beg me to forgive you, because you would spend the days crying. I was too stubborn and I never let things go. If I could I would apologize now, a million times over.

Do you remember our last year together? My family had problems, and it was decided that we would move away, but my parents asked me not to say anything to anybody, so I didn't say anything to you. You were everything to me, so telling you would have meant a betrayal to my family, or at least that's how I saw it. But I did tell another mutual friend, someone that had had experience with moving from their home to a faraway place, and I asked her not to say anything. I knew you felt extremely jealous, maybe betrayed? And you asked to talk to me about it, you begged me to stop talking to her, but I didn't listen to you. Looking back I don't know why I let things get so bad. You had always been sweet, but then it felt like you were trying to control me, suffocate me, and I was terrified about the prospect of leaving the only place I knew, I never thought of anything but my own feelings. And if I could I would apologize a million times over for ignoring your feelings.

You taught me how to love, but you also taught me silence, and how to measure my time, when to speak, when to keep quiet, how to be cunning, never to trust fully, but most of all you taught me about human cruelty. I don't know how you did it, what you said, but soon everybody was mad at me. Even this girl, I had always been good to her, and I believed her to be one of the sweetest persons, even she looked at me with cold eyes and said cruel words to me. Weeks passed and I was even more alone that ever, when another girl, someone that I had never quite gotten along with, we always argued, she came to me looking for an argument. I thought she was like the rest of them, saying senseless hurtful things, but I later found out that she had been trying to argue with me because that was how we always played. In the pits of my own despair, I lashed out with hurtful words to her, and from the very depths of my heart I apologize, even if these words will never reach her, and even if I might never see her again, or even recognize her, I wish the very best for her.

I don't remember the last time I saw you, I remember asking one of the only girls that was speaking to me to deliver a letter to you. I don't remember what I wrote, I believe it was something along the lines of "you hurt me, and now you'll never get to apologize", when I think back on it, I wish I had left you a beautiful letter, with words of apology and forgiveness.

For years after, I hated you, you betrayed me, and left me with what I hated the most, loneliness. And never before you or after you was I able to trust anybody. I had friends, but they were never best friends, and the friendships only ever got to touch the surface of who I was. I no longer trusted anybody with my heart.

I knew that to never have what happened to me with you again, I had to become someone that people looked up to, I changed myself according to that. I stopped being outspoken, I didn't draw attention to myself, and I made sure to get the highest grades that I possibly could. If people respected me, and needed me, then I would never be rejected.

I spent the rest of my life pretending and shaping myself to be someone I thought everybody would like, and as it turns out, I never felt right.

When I got into high school, I had to commute to school, and as a result I had to wake up earlier than my siblings, my parents didn't live with us, they worked in the city and couldn't afford to come back. So I would wake up early and make my way to school, nobody talked to me, and throughout the day I would sleep between breaks, listening to the rest of the students around me chatting. I felt like I didn't exist, what was the point of me being there? Because of club activities I didn't actually get home until sometime around eight at night, and at the time my siblings and I got into lots of fights. The days were so quiet, I felt like I would lose my mind. I would go to sleep early, to stop from feeling that darkness that overwhelmed me. I hated myself, because I couldn't put myself out there, and try to befriend anybody, not at the risk of being made a fool out of.

Now I understand you, and when I find myself in a quiet spot, with nothing to do, I would think of you from time to time. About how you're doing, are you okay? Did you achieve what you wanted? I would hope you did. I loved you, and even to this day, I think that if given the chance, I would like to see you, shake your hand and congratulated you on a very well fought and won fight. But I also know, that I'm not as naïve as to believe that we could ever be what we were, or anything even close.